Addressing Issues Head-On: Where to Go for Help

Where can I get help when I or we need it?

Some times couples find that they are really stuck in unhealthy patterns and cannot find their way out. It is good when both acknowledge that they want to do something differently because changes can happen much more quickly and cleanly when both are willing to make changes.

Here are a few suggestion for places to go to begin the process of addressing issues head-on.

Books and websites

John Gottman is the premier researcher on healthy marriages. From his research, he has written several books. The books have exercises and information for couples to build the skills to develop healthy relationships.

Check out his website for the list of his books and tools to begin changing your relationship.

The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis is a great book for one person who wants to make a change in the marriage, even if his or her partner is not in the same place.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steve Stosny is a very good book to help you develop a better understanding of your partner. Women often want their men to talk more and men want their partners to do or be more. Neither is wrong or right. Just different. This book helps couples learn how to connect more so that both feel better about the relationship.


Friends or mentoring couples

Are there other couples that you know who have a relationship that you like and admire? What can you learn from them, both by observation and maybe even from conversation. Talk it over with your spouse to see if there are things that you recognize in those other couples that would be good to try yourselves.

Some churches also offer the opportunity to meet with couples who have been successful. Retrovaille is a group weekend setting that offers this in a more formal way. Couples who have been in a very tough spot in their relationship share their experiences, both about their problems and how they found their way to a healthier place.

Professional counseling

Don’t wait the average 6 years between the time that problems start and you ask for help. Get help before it is too late. Talk with your doctor or a trusted friend for a recommendation for a therapist who specializes in relationship work.

Using the internet, start with therapists who are listed on the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website. Any of the therapists listed here have specific training in working with relationships.

10 Myths About Marriage, Part 2

Here are 5 more myths about marriage … debunked.

6. Marriage Myth: Conflict and disagreements destroy a relationship

Fact: Lack of resolving conflict can move couples apart and toward distance and loneliness. Feeling unheard, misunderstood or disrespected because of your thoughts and opinions can lead to pulling away.
Disagreements are normal. Learn how to talk about them respectfully.

7. Marriage Myth: If you no longer find yourself sexually attracted to your partner, that is a sign that the marriage is in trouble.

Fact: Sexual interest and attraction waxes and wanes in relationships. There are clearly times when couples (or half of a couple) are more interested than others. Feeling an attraction for someone different also affects attraction for a long-term partner.
Learn ways to “heat up” your marriage.

8. Marriage Myth: It is unrealistic to think that someone can stay in a marriage for a lifetime as in the past because we live so much longer today.

Fact: There are many successful long-term marriages. Couples in those successful marriages learn ways to be skillful, playful and mature through time. They also have an attitude and belief that they WILL make it, that their marriage will survive.

9. Marriage Myth: Having children usually brings a couple closer together and increases happiness in their marriage.

Fact: Having children usually brings more stress, activities, less sleep and less time for individual and relationship pursuits and attention.

10. Marriage Myth: Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time.

Fact: Very little in marriage happens automatically. Couples develop common interests, talk a lot about themselves and develop a history that can bring them closer. This requires setting priorities and devoting time and attention to the relationship and to their partner.

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IJK's of Marriage

I = Are Inquisitive about their partner’s day and life. This helps your partner to feel cared about. Learning about what happens in each other’s life helps to build a couple’s love map.
J = Bring Joy to the relationship. Joy breeds joy.
K = Kindness, even on rough days, can turn things around quickly and change negative interactions to positive ones.
L = Couples in healthy relationships laugh a lot. Humor together repairs much damage, especially during a disagreement.
M = Motivated, always, to be a good spouse. When one person is a good spouse, it affects the other’s willingness to reciprocate.
N = Nurture the relationship and your spouse. It is easy to let the relationship cruise on auto-pilot and yet that is what can take a relationships down a wrong path.
O = Couples in healthy relationships are Open to a different viewpoint, to a change in a routine or ritual, to your partner’s hopes and dreams.

The ABC’s of Marriage

We want to share with you some tips for a successful marriage.

A = Acceptance is a key. We all have things about our partner that we would like to see different. They have those same feelings about us. A key to a healthy relationship is to accept those differences and not try to change another person.
B = Make sure that your spouse is your best friend.
C = Communication is very important … open, honest and direct but kind.
D = Discover new things together. Learn new things about each other and try out new experiences … a great way to keep the relationship new and interesting.
E = Learn how to be an Emotionally intelligent partner. Discover ways to effectively handle emotions in the relationship.
F = Healthy partners learn to Forgive even though you may never forget. They let go of the little things and find ways to work through the important issues on the path to forgiveness.
G = Be Giving in your relationship, not to the detriment of your own mental or physical health, but find ways to let your spouse know that you love and appreciate him or her.
H = Humor is critical for any relationship. In healthy partnerships, couples can laugh together, see the fun and silliness in their struggles and, respectfully, in each other. Humor lightens any load.

Counseling Relationships Online

"Not In Love Anymore"

Staying in love throughout a marriage does not happen automatically.  Sometimes feelings of love just seem to evaporate.

As marriage counselors we frequently hear these words “I love him (her) but I am NOT IN LOVE with him (her). In this blog post, we want to share with you the reasons why people make this statement and say that they are not in love any more.

Why DO people fall out of love?  

It is upsetting to become aware of these feelings, "not in love" and really not know how this developed or what with what to do to fall BACK in love.

A lot of people contact Couples Counseling of Louisville and Counseling Relationships Online.com about love and marriage.  They report that they have fallen out of love with their spouse, or believe that their spouse is no longer in love with them.

The words we often hear are “I love him (her) but I am not in love with him (her),” most often with a disbelief that these feelings can change. One of the places to start is to begin to understand a little about how those feelings eroded within the marriage. 

Click here to read the rest of the article "Not In Love Anymore".

7 Marriage Mistakes That Loving Partners Can Make

Marriage is not as easy as it looks from the other side. Falling in love might be fairly easy; however, being half of a good marriage is not usually so easy. It takes work, knowledge, skills, talent and a good sense of humor … not to mention a healthy dose of emotional intelligence.

Sometimes people try to make things better in their marriage but actually make it worse. Here are some of those well-intentioned marriage mistakes that loving spouses can make.

Marriage Mistake 1. Being too positive
Positivity is important in any relationship. Looking at the goodness and what is right is so much better than dwelling on the negative and what is “missing”. Wanting to get your spouse from a negative place by encouraging “looking on the bright side” or forgetting about upsetting things is not always helpful, however. Sometimes you have to deal with the sad, disappointed, frustrated or angry feelings.

If you rush to change a mood, you risk the possibility that your partner will feel that his or her needs and feelings have been discounted. You also might risk the chance to experience intimacy and learn from your partner and the relationship. Hear your partner out before trying to change the mood or tone. Ask a lot of questions that get him or her to talk more with you about whatever is bothering them.

Marriage Mistake 2. Offering advice

When your spouse comes to you with a problem, it is often so easy to figure out how they can solve it, right? Wrong. Offering advice often gives the message that you are not really listening or that you don’t care. It is much better to listen and be a “sounding board” or a “shoulder to cry on” rather than offering solutions.

Click here to read the rest of the article on common marriage mistakes.
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Question # 3

3. Is my brain thinking normally? Or is my brain clouded by interest in another person, a mid-life crisis or the single life?

We know that there is actually a change in brain chemistry for folks who have an affair. This change in brain chemistry brings about amazing feelings of euphoria or the belief in finally having found a soul-mate. As with all new relationships, this change does not last. Eventually calmness and normalcy return. It is only during a time of calm and normal brain processing that someone should even consider a divorce.

The same can hold true for a mid-life crisis. At certain stages in one’s adult life, there is often a period of wondering “what if? … “ and mentally or actually playing around with the idea of exploring a single life and new relationships. If this might be the case with you, a change in your marital status may not be the solution to the underlying angst. There are many different ways to explore change. Ending your marriage is a pretty drastic move.

Marriage Advice: What is it about Some Couples Who Seem to Be So at Ease While, for Others, Marriage is a Lot of Hard Work?

Ever wonder why some people seem to have an ease about their relationship while others really have to work with it?

What secrets do those couples who have an ease and natural way of relating know about healthy relationships?

Sometimes it is about their natural temperament. They may both be the kind of people who do not let a lot get to them, who know how to work through differences without getting upset with each other and who generally have the same values and ideas about life so that their differences are not about significant issues.

Couples who handle problems with ease, also know how to give each other the benefit of the doubt. They see each other and the differences as “normal” and not “deal breakers” even if they may be pretty significant.

When faced with problems between them, they are more likely to figure that it is a puzzle to put together rather than something to “win”.

These couples also feel secure in their partner’s love and commitment. They know that, even if they have a fight or do something to hurt the other, their marriage is safe and they will recover.

Finally, couples who get along well, for whom their relationship is easy and comfortable, find ways throughout their days and nights, to reaffirm their good will and positive feelings about each other and about their marriage.

5 Tips for Falling Back in Love

“I love him but I am not in love with him.”

“We seem to have lost that spark and I do not have those same feelings for her any more.”

“We seem to be just roommates … and have lost the good feelings that we once had.”

Those are words … and feelings … that go through the minds and hearts of almost all of those who are involved in long-term relationships. It is rare for both partners in a couple to have those same warm and connected feelings all of the time. And, yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse.

Sometimes, hearing those words from a spouse can mean an affair …either emotionally or sexually. An attraction to someone else brings excitement and a marital partner generally cannot measure up to the thrill of newness and the thrill of risk and secrecy. If infidelity is the issue, the challenges are much more complex and require stepping away from the affair before feelings of being in love can even begin to return.

Often feeling and thoughts of losing love; however, are more about taking each other for granted, devoting more time to career, children, social lives or other activities that prevent prioritizing the marriage and nurturing the couple relationship. When partners do not nurture their relationship, they tend to become distant and feel more lonely and isolated.

Click here to read the 5 tips.

Marriage and Sex, Tip Number 1

Consider the question: Is this stand-off worth the problems that it creates in your marriage?

Think long and hard about whether or not you want to continue with this pattern.

Think about how the problem has affected you and your spouse and then think about how things could and, hopefully, will be different when the problem is resolved.

Each person is half of the problem … and half of the solution.