The ABC’s of Marriage

We want to share with you some tips for a successful marriage.

A = Acceptance is a key. We all have things about our partner that we would like to see different. They have those same feelings about us. A key to a healthy relationship is to accept those differences and not try to change another person.
B = Make sure that your spouse is your best friend.
C = Communication is very important … open, honest and direct but kind.
D = Discover new things together. Learn new things about each other and try out new experiences … a great way to keep the relationship new and interesting.
E = Learn how to be an Emotionally intelligent partner. Discover ways to effectively handle emotions in the relationship.
F = Healthy partners learn to Forgive even though you may never forget. They let go of the little things and find ways to work through the important issues on the path to forgiveness.
G = Be Giving in your relationship, not to the detriment of your own mental or physical health, but find ways to let your spouse know that you love and appreciate him or her.
H = Humor is critical for any relationship. In healthy partnerships, couples can laugh together, see the fun and silliness in their struggles and, respectfully, in each other. Humor lightens any load.

Counseling Relationships Online

Marriage Advice: What is it about Some Couples Who Seem to Be So at Ease While, for Others, Marriage is a Lot of Hard Work?

Ever wonder why some people seem to have an ease about their relationship while others really have to work with it?

What secrets do those couples who have an ease and natural way of relating know about healthy relationships?

Sometimes it is about their natural temperament. They may both be the kind of people who do not let a lot get to them, who know how to work through differences without getting upset with each other and who generally have the same values and ideas about life so that their differences are not about significant issues.

Couples who handle problems with ease, also know how to give each other the benefit of the doubt. They see each other and the differences as “normal” and not “deal breakers” even if they may be pretty significant.

When faced with problems between them, they are more likely to figure that it is a puzzle to put together rather than something to “win”.

These couples also feel secure in their partner’s love and commitment. They know that, even if they have a fight or do something to hurt the other, their marriage is safe and they will recover.

Finally, couples who get along well, for whom their relationship is easy and comfortable, find ways throughout their days and nights, to reaffirm their good will and positive feelings about each other and about their marriage.

Top Ten Tips for Marriage Maintenance

1. Have regular State of the Marriage discussions. Talk about what is good that you want to make sure to continue as well as the hopes, needs or dreams that you have that might make it better.

2. Treat each other in the ways that you want to be treated yourself. Even if your spouse is having a rough day or has “forgotten” to be nice, continue to be kind and gentle and wait for it to come back to you.

3. Do not “sweep things under the rug”. If there are things that are bothering you in the marriage, or disagreements that you have with your spouse, think about them carefully. Decide if they truly are small things and ones that you can really let go of, then do so. If not, talk out loud with your spouse (not others) about your thoughts and feelings.

4. Try to see disagreements in each other’s eyes.

5. Say “I love you” in different ways every day, with words, your eyes and your actions. Show clear signs of physical affection.

6. Have time for fun. Be sure to laugh and play together on a regular basis.

7. Respect your partner and his or her ideas. You do not have to agree with them in order to respect them. Listen carefully to her/his thoughts and feelings, even if they feel unfair to you. You will have time to express you thoughts and feelings later as well.

8. Have a date every week, even if you never leave home.

9. Find ways to talk every day. Check in with each other about what is happening in your lives. Look for new and different facts about your spouse’s day.

10. Say at least one positive or appreciative thing about your partner every day.

Love Is A Choice

Have you seen the widely circulated email about making the choice to have a good or bad day? It starts out like this:

“John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!' He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

“Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

“He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or ... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

“'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

“'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'”

Love can also be a choice. You can wake up in the morning and choose to think about the bad things about your partner and everything that you do not like about him or her or you can choose to think about the good things about your partner, the things that you like and want to continue.

You can choose to think about the problems in your relationship as ones that may be fairly normal and ones that the two of you must work together to solve. You can choose to recognize some of the differences as normal ones that many couples face.

You can choose to let go of some of the small things as differences that you have to accept about your spouse or you can choose to let them build up until you are monumentally unhappy. You can choose to evaluate differences and decide which ones need to be talked about and worked through and which ones need to be just accepted as differences between you.

Couples in long-term healthy relationships say that they have seen each stress as something that they have to get through together rather than as something that might end their marriage. The view and attitude that you have colors your feelings. You have a choice in how you view your relationship.

Tip of the Week, March 24, 2008

A recent research study showed that partners who respond with celebration and excitement to their spouses’ good news enhance their relationship even better than spouses who empathize and support each other when there is bad news. In a study at the University of California Santa Barbara, researcher Shelly Gable, PhD determined that praise boosted a relationship more than empathy. Furthermore, passive responses to good news led to dissatisfaction in the relationship. So, the next time that you hear good news from your partner, find a way to celebrate!

Tip of the Week, March 17, 2008

Disagreement can be a good thing in a marriage. When couples don’t disagree, sometimes it might mean that they don’t care enough to talk with each other. Other times, it might mean that one or both of them doesn’t feel safe to truly express an opinion, disagree or stand up for him/herself. It is also possible that they never learned how to disagree while growing up ... either never seeing parents successfully handle conflict or being so volatile that it was frightening. Honor your differences and learn ways to talk about them in respectful ways.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are things that couples can do together to make sure that they each remain faithful in the marriage.

* First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship. Find ways to keep it interesting and nurturing. (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)
* Keep your sex life active.
* Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners. Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
* Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.
* Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive. Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information. Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.
* If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know. This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret. Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person. Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.
* If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse. If that does not help, ask for couples counseling. If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.

Recipe for a Healthy Marriage

5 ounces of positive affirmations and gratitude
*Tell your partner all of the things that you like about him … and about your relationship together. Incorporate hugs, kisses and non-sexual touching.

4 ounces of open communication.
* Share what is going on in your life … at work, with friends. Let her know about your hopes and dreams.
* If there is something going on that bothers you, find a way to let her know rather than bottle it up and keep it inside.
* Be curious and inquisitive about your partner‘s life as well … and listen very carefully.

2 ounces of time alone together.
* Create your shelter and be alone together.
* Find a way to have a protected date every week, (even if you do not go anywhere).
* Develop a regular ritual each day where you spend a few minutes and just check in with each other.

1 ounce of sharing the load.
* Work together with housework and caring for the children.

Romantic Tip Number Two

Buy a journal and begin to record special moments together. Open the journal up every few weeks, read what has happened and add to it. Every anniversary ... read the past year ... maybe visit other years ... and begin a new page.

Tip of the Week, February 4, 2008

Learn a new activity together. Learn ballroom dancing, tennis, golf, scuba diving. Start taking a yoga class together, join a neighborhood group, start an investment club. Brainstorm ideas for activities that you can join … and enjoy … together

Respect

Sandy and Jeff were both proud of their witty, sarcastic sense of humor. It was one of the things that attracted them to each other. When discussing every-day happenings, world events or work experiences, it helped them feel connected and they admired the other’s intelligence and wit. When the humor took on a personal nature, however, it was not so funny. When it was used in an argument, it was very hurtful and eroded feelings of love and good will. Over time, it became harder and harder for Sandy and Jim to recover those feelings of love, appreciation, admiration and respect.

Being disrespectful, treating your partner, either verbally or nonverbally, as if they were stupid, incompetent or unworthy of being taken seriously, will damage and destroy a relationship quickly. In order to be heard or make a point in a disagreement, talking respectfully, remembering that the health of the relationship is more important than winning, will hold a relationship together. Being respectful does not imply agreement, rather it states “you are important … and our relationship is important.”

Sandy and Jeff were able to recognize the problems with the sarcasm as they softly shared feelings about how they felt during the arguments. They were able to talk about their love for each other and apologize for the hurt that their statements had caused. Over time, and with lots of practice, they were able to take responsibility for what they said and change the habit of sarcasm when talking about each other or having a disagreement.

Strengthen Your Relationship by Giving To Others

We have just returned from a trip to Mississippi to help families affected by Hurricane Katrina. This is our 7th trip there and we continue to be strongly impacted by the pain those families still feel. Even though it has been nearly 2 ½ years since the hurricane, the stories that we hear from the people that we meet are told as if the hurricane just happened. We watch as their eyes look toward the sky and the pain and tears appear on their faces.

One young mother pointed out marks in her ceiling where the family’s dining room table hit against it while she and her 2 children and neighbors were seeking safety in the attic. Another couple and their disabled adult son, still living in a tiny trailer, were so glad to be able to have help so that they could move into their home.

On this trip we spent time helping a single woman with her home. She received some insurance money so had been able to have some of the work done on her home; but had spent much of her free time, when she was not teaching, helping others less fortunate with their homes. She could not believe that someone would help her.

Where ever we go we are called “angels”. The gratitude of those living there is so strong. We are told that our presence alone brings hope to those living there … They are reminded that others care for them. They have not been forgotten.

Giving to others as an individual … as a couple … or as a family … is a wonderful way to put life and problems in a healthier perspective. Sharing positive experiences builds connection to each other. Learning new skills, like hanging drywall or how to frame a window, brings an increase in self-confidence. Watching others who have survived significant difficulties … and continue to be hopeful gives strength and hope that you can also survive challenging times.

Tip of the Week, January 21, 2008

Doing for others is a great way to give to yourself … and to your community. It sends a wonderful message to children … no lecture required. Find a way to do something for someone else this week.

Starting a Complaint

We often have people ask us how to get their partner to listen to their concerns without immediately getting defensive or trying to turn the tables with a complaint about them … or about the way that they are making the complaint. We also have people ask us how to keep their spouse from “nagging” or bringing up complaints in an angry way … after they have been “sizzling” for awhile.

Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.

Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.

Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”

Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”

Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…

“I really feel like you care about me when you … “

“I feel the closest to you when …”

“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”

Step-Family Support Group of Kentuckiana

Support groups are wonderful for many reasons: meeting others who are in the same situation, finding out that you are not the only one struggling with a specific problem, hearing about how others have solved the same problems and recognizing when you can be a support to others who are in the same situation.

Living in a step-family can be one of the hardest family groups … and couple relationships … to survive in, that is why the divorce rate is significantly higher than in first time marriages. As we look for ways to support healthy couple … and family … relationships, we want to be creative with our ideas and our energy.

The Support Group for Step-Families in Kentucky-Indiana is one way of enhancing family life and supporting healthy families and marriages. The group has been meeting for a few months now and the families that come have been delighted to find others to share ideas, laughs and gripes with. If you … or someone that you know … is interested in learning more about this group, please contact us and we will share more. There is no cost. Children are invited to come … and, even though we do not have child care, we can find ways to meet, and sometimes include them in the discussion.

Tip of the Week, January 14, 2008

Change the time of day or the location when having a disagreement or fight. If you usually fight at night, get your partner to agree to only disagree during the daytime … and actually schedule a time for the conflict. If you generally fight in the bedroom (one of the worst places to fight) then agree to move all of your fights to the kitchen … or out to the back deck. If you have fought in every room in the house, then agree that all disagreements must be taken outside.

Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.

Time Out

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when having a disagreement is to continue talking … and arguing … after their heart rate rises and they are flooded. Some of the signs of “flooding” are feeling warm all over, a knot in the stomach, inability to think clearly, a headache or a racing heart.

When anyone is flooded, the tendency is either “fight or flight” … either to run away or to get more escalated, louder, an angrier tone, saying regretful and hurtful things. No one can think rationally when upset and there is no way to resolve issues or hear your partner at times like this. These conversations are deadly for a relationship and, if they happen frequently, can erode even the most loving feelings.

The best way to handle the situation is to call a time out. This does not involve running away, but rather a “time out” hand sign or words like “I am starting to feel flooded or get upset” and to take a break. Couples who talk about this before a disagreement arises can also plan a way to get back together after both are calm, to talk about the issue … if there needs to be a continued discussion.

It generally takes people a minimum of 20 minutes to calm down after they have stopped thinking about the situation or conversation … so it is important to do something different with your brain … read a book, talk about something else with a friend, play with your child, meditate, play a video game. When both are calm, the conversation can resume.

It is also helpful when a partner can notice signs of flooding in either of them and suggest a break with words that name what is happening .. “I think maybe this is not a good time to talk about this because you are appearing to be and/or I am feeling flooded. Let’s talk again when we are both in a better spot.”

It is often harder for the calmer person to allow the break. There seems to be the idea in many heads that it is better to stay with a situation and talk it out until there is a resolution when, in fact, there cannot be a real resolution, maybe a giving in or giving up … but no real resolution when either person is in a flooded state.

Talk the idea of a time out over with your partner and see if there is a way to incorporate this into your discussions, especially when the discussions can be emotionally charged. Remember, while it is the responsibility for each person to recognize when they begin to be flooded, the relationship will be healthier when both take responsibility for calm and respectful discussions.

Know Your Partner’s Dreams

What are your partner’s secret desires?
If she could do or be anything that she wanted, what would it be?
If he could spend time on one new activity, what would that be?
Where would she most like to travel?
How does he envision retirement?
What are some things that your partner would want to do while still in good health?
What would your partner like to be doing differently … or more of, 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 25 years from now?

Couples that really know each others’ hopes and dreams feel more connected. They have fuller, richer and more varied love maps and a better understanding of their spouse’s inner lives.

Wives are generally good at supporting their husbands to live out their dreams. Men are also often good at being clear about what they want and need for career, recreational and social pursuits. While many men are respectful and mature in their commitment to home and family, they also recognize the importance of asking for and pursuing what is important to them.

Women are not as good at looking inward and focusing on themselves and what is important to them … especially if it may be at some expense for the family. Dreams may still be there, however women often put the needs of the family above themselves. Interestingly, John Gottman, who did a lot of research on healthy relationships, found that husbands who listen, understand and help their wives to achieve their dreams have better and stronger marriages.

Tip of the Week, January 7, 2008

Why is it that people get married?
… Because we need a witness to our lives.
There are a billion people on the planet.
What does one life really mean?

But in a marriage, you are promising
To care about everything …
The good things, the bad things,
The terrible things … the mundane things.

All of it …
All of the time … every day.

You are saying …
“your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.”
“Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will witness it.”
**********************
From the movie “Shall We Dance”

Stories of Success ... In A Marriage

An Experiment With Positivity

A woman, Jean, who was struggling with her marriage and seriously considering a divorce was reading one of the local advice columns in the morning paper. The problem involved a father and a teen-age son. The son was described as lazy, unmotivated, messy, etc. and the dad described himself as being on “his last nerve” with the boy. He had tried lecture, grounding, taking away privileges and nothing was working. The advice columnist suggested that the father “do a 180,” a complete turn-around in how he was handling the problem, and only talk with his son about things that were going well. The father noted a remarkable difference very quickly after making this change.

Jean, in her struggling marriage, decided to try the very same thing. Instead of her frequent requests and complaints (which her husband described as nagging), she was either quiet and said nothing or found something to compliment him on. This was very difficult for her to do in the early stages of the experiment; however, she noted that within a few weeks, some of the things that she had asked for were now being done spontaneously. Jean further reported that by the end of the month, her husband was doing things around the house … and for her, that she had never requested. It was also about this time that Jean noticed that she had started liking her husband again. She was truly surprised at this turn in her feelings as she had felt very few warm feelings for him over the past year … but thinking about, and talking about his positive efforts and qualities … as well as believing that she could trust these changes that he was making brought about this difference.

Jean noted several months later that things were going very well in her home. Love-making came back into the marriage. Her husband was “courting” her again with dates, notes, phone calls and texts … and she was also initiating flirting and promoting humor and fun.

Do you have any stories of success to share with us?