4 Ways to Put the Fireworks Back in Your Relationship

The 4th of July is a day to celebrate our independence with parties and fireworks. Let this be a chance to you to look for ways to put some sizzle back in your relationship.

We offer you 4 tips to put the fireworks back in your relationship.

1. Try something new and different. Experiment. Take a few risks. Go outside your comfort zone. Notice the feeling of an ”edge” and the accomplishment of doing it together.

2. Flirt. Look deeply into each other’s eyes for a full 5 minutes without touching. Act like you are meeting for the first time and getting to know each other all over again.

3. Heat up the loving exchanges. How do you feel about sexting? This can be a good thing with your spouse.

4. Start dating again. Recreate some of your favorite early dates and look for new opportunities to dress up (or down) and be together. Put the technology away and focus on your time with each other.

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Tip of the Week, April 7, 2008

Make sure to notice and comment on the positive things that your partner does, especially the things that you have asked him or her to do. We are all more likely to repeat the things that we are told are good than to stop doing the things that we are scolded or criticized about.

Tip of the Week, March 24, 2008

A recent research study showed that partners who respond with celebration and excitement to their spouses’ good news enhance their relationship even better than spouses who empathize and support each other when there is bad news. In a study at the University of California Santa Barbara, researcher Shelly Gable, PhD determined that praise boosted a relationship more than empathy. Furthermore, passive responses to good news led to dissatisfaction in the relationship. So, the next time that you hear good news from your partner, find a way to celebrate!

Tip of the Week, March 10, 2008

Excuse your partner, even if you are sure that they do not deserve it.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are things that couples can do together to make sure that they each remain faithful in the marriage.

* First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship. Find ways to keep it interesting and nurturing. (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)
* Keep your sex life active.
* Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners. Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
* Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.
* Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive. Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information. Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.
* If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know. This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret. Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person. Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.
* If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse. If that does not help, ask for couples counseling. If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.

Emotional Infidelity

Affairs that damage or destroy marriages do not have to involve sexual relations. Emotional attachments and infidelity can be as destructive. An emotional affair involves a mutual friendship with another person that is kept a secret from a spouse. It is not the same thing as a platonic friendship because it involves sharing personal information in a way that leads to stronger feelings with the friend than with a spouse or partner and has some element of sexual chemistry. There may not be a feeling of guilt at having done something wrong since there has not been sexual involvement

Emotional affairs develop from friendships with another person that deepen as knowledge and intimate information is exchanged. There often is no plan to develop feelings for someone else … they just happen with time and connection and may grow in even the most unlikely friendships. Most of the damage from the emotional affair occurs because of the secrecy, lies and the distance that grows as feelings of attraction and love are transferred from the spouse to this new person.

Some of the signs that might be evidence of an emotional affair are:

* Thinking more about “the friend” than your spouse.
* Noticing a change in feelings about your spouse as the friendship with the new person develops.
* Keeping secrets about this friendship from your spouse.
* Becoming defensive when this friend’s name is mentioned or lying about your connection.
* Having sexual thoughts or fantasies about this other person.
* Sharing personal secrets with this other person.
* Talking negatively about your marriage with “the friend”.
* Believing that your friend “gets you” in a way that your spouse does not.

How A Cheating Spouse Can Regain Trust

Often there are problems in a marriage before an affair begins; however, in order for trust to rebuild, it is important to address the infidelity before spending a great deal of time on the marital problems. There are several reasons for this, the most important being that the “hurting” partner will not be in any shape to hear about their mistakes until they can believe that their spouse has heard them and understands how painful this “solution” was to them and to the relationship. This is sort of like the idea that, if you injure your body, you have to stop the bleeding before you can treat the wound.

The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.

The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.

It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.

Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.

As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.

Telling the Story of the Affair

Couples often ask us how much information needs to be revealed; and how can the hurt person find out the information without feeling like a detective with a prisoner. The person who had the affair usually does not want to talk about it, often out of embarrassment and guilt. They also are often sad or hurt by problems in the marriage and want to find a way for a quick healing process. On-going questioning might hurt any possibility that the couple may have for renewing the friendship that initially got them together and greased the way for them to fall in love with each other.

It is important to remember that one of the hardest parts of the affair is the secrecy. The secret provides distance and a wall between the couple that may seem hard to penetrate … and it is only with openness and sharing that true intimacy can occur. While it is often hard for the one who has had an affair to be open about it … opening up can also feel good since it is very hard to carry such a secret around and try to live two lives. For the one who has been hurt, there is no way to truly have trust again if secrets remain. How can someone be trusted if he or she continues to hold secrets?

Initially, it is important to just stick with basic facts: who was the affairee, when did it begin and end, where did they meet, is the affair over and what, if any, contact are they currently having. As time goes on and the couple develops deeper intimacy, it will be important to reveal more information about the affair, the motivation for the affair, the emotional connection and how the spouse opened him- or herself up to this event.

These difficult questions are truly best answered in a calm and neutral setting and with the help of a competent therapist. Developing trust after such a significant breach takes time, motivation, commitment and a lot of hard work. It is not a smooth path with clear guidelines and markers, rather it is more like a roller coaster with highs and lows and lots of scares. We strongly recommend that you get some professional help with this journey. If your spouse will not join you … explore it alone.

Tip of the Week, March 3, 2008

Do something that your partner really wants you to do, even if you find it to be boring or silly. Do it in a way that your partner believes that you are enjoying it … because it means that you get to spend time together and makes him or her happy. Your partner will know that you do not really enjoy that activity … but the fact that you are doing it willingly and cheerfully, especially when it is sincere, will score big points for the relationship.

Tip of the Week, February 25, 2008

Acceptance promotes healthy relationships. Find ways to accept differences with your partner. You cannot change another person and many habits that may annoy you may not be worth getting upset about … or having a fight or even a conversation about. Find ways to accept your partner for who he/she is. It will make things easier for both of you.

Tip of the Week, February 18, 2008

Try new things and new places on your date nights. Recent research is showing that, while it is common for romantic love to diminish over time, novelty helps to stimulate those feelings. While a change in patterns will not heal a seriously damaged relationship, it can help to re-ignite some of those feelings of fun, interest and excitement. Take a drive down a different country road, go to a new restaurant, walk through a different park. Listen to a new music group in a place that you have never been before. Visit a gallery that you have never visited … be creative in your new experiences.

Recipe for a Healthy Marriage

5 ounces of positive affirmations and gratitude
*Tell your partner all of the things that you like about him … and about your relationship together. Incorporate hugs, kisses and non-sexual touching.

4 ounces of open communication.
* Share what is going on in your life … at work, with friends. Let her know about your hopes and dreams.
* If there is something going on that bothers you, find a way to let her know rather than bottle it up and keep it inside.
* Be curious and inquisitive about your partner‘s life as well … and listen very carefully.

2 ounces of time alone together.
* Create your shelter and be alone together.
* Find a way to have a protected date every week, (even if you do not go anywhere).
* Develop a regular ritual each day where you spend a few minutes and just check in with each other.

1 ounce of sharing the load.
* Work together with housework and caring for the children.

Romantic Tip Number Seven

When talking with your sweetheart, look deep into his or her eyes. Hold that gaze for two minutes and notice the connection that you feel.

Romantic Tip Number Six

Number 14 chocolate kisses, arrange them where your partner will find them throughout the day.

Romantic Tip Number Five

Fill a jar with 14 reasons for why you want her to be your valentine.

Tip of the Week, February 11, 2008

Make love with your eyes open.

Romantic Tip Number Four

Give your valentine the classic Charlie Brown DVD … “Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown”.

Romantic Tip Number Two

Buy a journal and begin to record special moments together. Open the journal up every few weeks, read what has happened and add to it. Every anniversary ... read the past year ... maybe visit other years ... and begin a new page.

Romantic Tip Number One

Valentine's Day is only a week away. We will put a different idea for how to be romantic on the blog each day.
Here is one for today.
Download your sweetheart's favorite song and send it to her/him in an email.

Tip of the Week, November 26, 2007

Holiday Presents
Holiday shopping is in full force. Many face the dilemma of what to buy. Often people think about what they want the other person to have, and not what they think that the other person would want. I have heard of many gift disasters … from pets to camping equipment to living room furniture. The giver bought what they wanted to have themselves rather than really thinking about the needs or desires of the recipient.

The recipient of the gift often feels hurt and disappointed because they believe that their wishes were not heard or were discounted and that the giver thought more about themselves than the recipient. The best gifts come from really listening to your loved one, thinking about them and their interests.

It is perfectly okay to ask someone for suggestions. Gifts do not need to be surprises. It is also okay to ask for suggestions from another who might know what they would like to have. The thoughtfulness is the most important aspect of the gift … and sending the message that the recipient is very important … and that you have heard them, thought long and hard about them … and picked the present because of what you think would really please them.