4 Ways to Put the Fireworks Back in Your Relationship

The 4th of July is a day to celebrate our independence with parties and fireworks. Let this be a chance to you to look for ways to put some sizzle back in your relationship.

We offer you 4 tips to put the fireworks back in your relationship.

1. Try something new and different. Experiment. Take a few risks. Go outside your comfort zone. Notice the feeling of an ”edge” and the accomplishment of doing it together.

2. Flirt. Look deeply into each other’s eyes for a full 5 minutes without touching. Act like you are meeting for the first time and getting to know each other all over again.

3. Heat up the loving exchanges. How do you feel about sexting? This can be a good thing with your spouse.

4. Start dating again. Recreate some of your favorite early dates and look for new opportunities to dress up (or down) and be together. Put the technology away and focus on your time with each other.

CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

10 Myths About Marriage, Part 2

Here are 5 more myths about marriage … debunked.

6. Marriage Myth: Conflict and disagreements destroy a relationship

Fact: Lack of resolving conflict can move couples apart and toward distance and loneliness. Feeling unheard, misunderstood or disrespected because of your thoughts and opinions can lead to pulling away.
Disagreements are normal. Learn how to talk about them respectfully.

7. Marriage Myth: If you no longer find yourself sexually attracted to your partner, that is a sign that the marriage is in trouble.

Fact: Sexual interest and attraction waxes and wanes in relationships. There are clearly times when couples (or half of a couple) are more interested than others. Feeling an attraction for someone different also affects attraction for a long-term partner.
Learn ways to “heat up” your marriage.

8. Marriage Myth: It is unrealistic to think that someone can stay in a marriage for a lifetime as in the past because we live so much longer today.

Fact: There are many successful long-term marriages. Couples in those successful marriages learn ways to be skillful, playful and mature through time. They also have an attitude and belief that they WILL make it, that their marriage will survive.

9. Marriage Myth: Having children usually brings a couple closer together and increases happiness in their marriage.

Fact: Having children usually brings more stress, activities, less sleep and less time for individual and relationship pursuits and attention.

10. Marriage Myth: Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time.

Fact: Very little in marriage happens automatically. Couples develop common interests, talk a lot about themselves and develop a history that can bring them closer. This requires setting priorities and devoting time and attention to the relationship and to their partner.

Couples Counseling of Louisville.com
Counseling Relationships Online.com

Friends That Can Damage a Marriage

Flirtatious Friends

Watch out for friends who enjoy a “good chase”. Whether they are some one who, if you were single, might be of interest, or buddies who believe that a little “playing around” really never hurt anyone.

Hanging out with friends who have a different belief system can encourage wandering or other problems. When there is a “culture” of flirtation, it is hard to go in another direction.

Personal Happiness Coaches
Some will support you and keep you on track while others, who don’t value marriage, might very well encourage you to walk away from your marriage for your own personal happiness. With friends like this, there is often a disregard for commitment and finding ways (and help) to work through tough situations.

Personal happiness gurus might think you are better off on your own or looking for a “better” relationship because, they might say, “your happiness is most important“.

Party Girls and Guys
A good time with friends is usually a good thing for a couple. For some, there is a culture of partying a lot, often accompanied by a lot of alcohol. Good judgment and healthy marriage behavior can be lost when hanging around others who value a good time more than they value marriage and family.

A word about individual friends.

By all means, hang on to your good friends from childhood, school, neighborhood or work, especially if they are supporters or encouragers in your marriage. If your spouse has any objections at all to these relationships, however, then it is time to take a good hard and objective look at them and decide if those relationships have become more of a priority than your spouse.

Too much time spend in individual relationships and activities can lead to growing apart rather than growing together. Seek out couple friendships and make sure that you are socializing and sharing more with your spouse than all of your other friends put together.

Tip of the Week, April 7, 2008

Make sure to notice and comment on the positive things that your partner does, especially the things that you have asked him or her to do. We are all more likely to repeat the things that we are told are good than to stop doing the things that we are scolded or criticized about.

Tip of the week of March 31, 2008

Look for 3 times today to connect with your partner for just 60 seconds. Give him a long kiss, send her a sweet text message, give him a hug, make a quick phone call, fix her a cup of tea … just 60 seconds, 3 times today.

Tip of the Week, March 10, 2008

Excuse your partner, even if you are sure that they do not deserve it.

How A Cheating Spouse Can Regain Trust

Often there are problems in a marriage before an affair begins; however, in order for trust to rebuild, it is important to address the infidelity before spending a great deal of time on the marital problems. There are several reasons for this, the most important being that the “hurting” partner will not be in any shape to hear about their mistakes until they can believe that their spouse has heard them and understands how painful this “solution” was to them and to the relationship. This is sort of like the idea that, if you injure your body, you have to stop the bleeding before you can treat the wound.

The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.

The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.

It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.

Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.

As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.

Tip of the Week, February 18, 2008

Try new things and new places on your date nights. Recent research is showing that, while it is common for romantic love to diminish over time, novelty helps to stimulate those feelings. While a change in patterns will not heal a seriously damaged relationship, it can help to re-ignite some of those feelings of fun, interest and excitement. Take a drive down a different country road, go to a new restaurant, walk through a different park. Listen to a new music group in a place that you have never been before. Visit a gallery that you have never visited … be creative in your new experiences.

Romantic Tip Number Two

Buy a journal and begin to record special moments together. Open the journal up every few weeks, read what has happened and add to it. Every anniversary ... read the past year ... maybe visit other years ... and begin a new page.

Defensiveness Blocks Healthy Communication

“My partner does not understand me.”
“My spouse is always unfair with her criticism.”
“He always has to be right.”

How many of these statements would you answer “true”?
Do you prepare for an attack before it happens?
Do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?

When anyone feels attacked, it is normal to want to defend yourself; however, responding defensively when presented with a complaint is one way to end the opportunity for healthy conversation and connection in a relationship. It also opens the door for an escalating argument.

The best thing to do when presented with a complaint is to slow down and find a way to listen to your partner; possibly even entertaining the idea that they might be right … or have a point worth considering.

Amazingly, those who are able to let go of defensiveness, also feel better about themselves and about their partner. They recognize that “listening to” does not mean “agreeing with” but is rather a respectful way of saying “You … and your ideas … are important to me, even if we do not see things the same way.”

Hearing another person’s complaints about you can feel very uncomfortable, and yet, you might learn something useful, if you can relax and take it from an “informational perspective.”

One of the most important things to remember when practicing listening rather than defending is that it truly gives you power. When someone else feels heard, they are much more likely to “hear”.

Strengthen Your Relationship by Giving To Others

We have just returned from a trip to Mississippi to help families affected by Hurricane Katrina. This is our 7th trip there and we continue to be strongly impacted by the pain those families still feel. Even though it has been nearly 2 ½ years since the hurricane, the stories that we hear from the people that we meet are told as if the hurricane just happened. We watch as their eyes look toward the sky and the pain and tears appear on their faces.

One young mother pointed out marks in her ceiling where the family’s dining room table hit against it while she and her 2 children and neighbors were seeking safety in the attic. Another couple and their disabled adult son, still living in a tiny trailer, were so glad to be able to have help so that they could move into their home.

On this trip we spent time helping a single woman with her home. She received some insurance money so had been able to have some of the work done on her home; but had spent much of her free time, when she was not teaching, helping others less fortunate with their homes. She could not believe that someone would help her.

Where ever we go we are called “angels”. The gratitude of those living there is so strong. We are told that our presence alone brings hope to those living there … They are reminded that others care for them. They have not been forgotten.

Giving to others as an individual … as a couple … or as a family … is a wonderful way to put life and problems in a healthier perspective. Sharing positive experiences builds connection to each other. Learning new skills, like hanging drywall or how to frame a window, brings an increase in self-confidence. Watching others who have survived significant difficulties … and continue to be hopeful gives strength and hope that you can also survive challenging times.

Help!... I have just learned that my partner is having an affair.

We have been seeing many people this month who have been shaken by the stress of an affair. The one having the affair often feels conflicted about the marriage, frequently believing that they have found their “soul-mate”, the person with whom they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives. The “hurt” spouse is often so hurt and devastated that they quickly react out of that pain of hurt, betrayal and anger.

Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :

Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.

As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.

Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.

As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.

Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.

There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/

Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.

Tip of the Week, January 21, 2008

Doing for others is a great way to give to yourself … and to your community. It sends a wonderful message to children … no lecture required. Find a way to do something for someone else this week.

Starting a Complaint

We often have people ask us how to get their partner to listen to their concerns without immediately getting defensive or trying to turn the tables with a complaint about them … or about the way that they are making the complaint. We also have people ask us how to keep their spouse from “nagging” or bringing up complaints in an angry way … after they have been “sizzling” for awhile.

Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.

Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.

Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”

Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”

Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…

“I really feel like you care about me when you … “

“I feel the closest to you when …”

“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”

Know Your Partner’s Dreams

What are your partner’s secret desires?
If she could do or be anything that she wanted, what would it be?
If he could spend time on one new activity, what would that be?
Where would she most like to travel?
How does he envision retirement?
What are some things that your partner would want to do while still in good health?
What would your partner like to be doing differently … or more of, 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 25 years from now?

Couples that really know each others’ hopes and dreams feel more connected. They have fuller, richer and more varied love maps and a better understanding of their spouse’s inner lives.

Wives are generally good at supporting their husbands to live out their dreams. Men are also often good at being clear about what they want and need for career, recreational and social pursuits. While many men are respectful and mature in their commitment to home and family, they also recognize the importance of asking for and pursuing what is important to them.

Women are not as good at looking inward and focusing on themselves and what is important to them … especially if it may be at some expense for the family. Dreams may still be there, however women often put the needs of the family above themselves. Interestingly, John Gottman, who did a lot of research on healthy relationships, found that husbands who listen, understand and help their wives to achieve their dreams have better and stronger marriages.

Tip of the Week, January 7, 2008

Why is it that people get married?
… Because we need a witness to our lives.
There are a billion people on the planet.
What does one life really mean?

But in a marriage, you are promising
To care about everything …
The good things, the bad things,
The terrible things … the mundane things.

All of it …
All of the time … every day.

You are saying …
“your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.”
“Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will witness it.”
**********************
From the movie “Shall We Dance”

How Can I Tell if My Spouse Is Cheating?

There are no clear-cut signs … other than finding your partner with a paramour … that are fool-proof; however, when there are changes in your partner and the marriage there are often some indicators that infidelity may be an issue. Some of these indicators are:

The obvious indicators include: late hours, a change in routine, secretive phone calls and e-mails, much more attention to grooming, dieting and exercise, a rush to the shower immediately after coming home, the smell of perfume or cologne, more mentioning of an opposite sex co-worker or no mention of one that was mentioned before.

A feeling of distance with your spouse. Where you once may have talked about what was going on in each other’s lives, you find that your partner is less available to do that. You have more difficulty in every day communication … reaching your partner by cell phone or at the office.

A change in attitude. Your partner may once have been friendly and now seems more abrupt or disrespectful and may even appear to pick fights with you.

A definite moodiness about your partner, times of seeming to be very happy coupled with times of seeming depressed, sad or unhappy.

A change in frequency of sexual relations, either a definite lack of sexual involvement or significantly more and an interest in trying new or different things in the bedroom

Your intuition or “gut” tells you that something is wrong.

Others close to you two may also mention that there seems to be a difference with your spouse.

Tip of the Week, December 10, 2007

Learn one new thing about your partner today.

The Stages of Marriage

Relationships change over time. Many of these are typical or predictable. At times it helps for couples to know what to expect as their relationships move through time. These stages are not all experienced in a straight-line fashion, rather they tend to flow and cycle back. Below are some brief descriptions of these different stages.

Stage 1: The ”Honeymoon” Phase
This is the earliest and most exhilarating and exciting stage of a relationship. Individuals see each other in very positive ways and are not yet aware of any problems. At this time, couples look for sameness in each other with interests and values. Any challenges to the relationship are viewed as positives as couples look for ways to surmount them together.

Stage 2: Disenchantment and Disappointment Set In
The first cycle of this stage generally begins about 3 months into a relationship. Couples begin to experience the changes in each other or the clearer view of the other with disappointment and sadness. Couples that successfully move through this stage, find ways to talk about the differences with open, respectful communication. Together they determine if healthy change can happen or if the relationship would be in a better space if it ended.

Stage 3: Struggles for Control
This stage emerges as half of each couple considers their own individual needs and, at times, those needs compete. Needs can center around desire for connection and nurturance or a say in how decisions are made on both small and large issues ranging from finances to the color of the living room walls. Couples must learn how to disagree respectfully and to compromise effectively in order to move past this stage. Some couples stay here for a very long time.

Stage 4: Is the Grass Greener?
One or the other may be interested in leaving the relationship to discover other relationships or to fulfill personal dreams.

Stage 5: Returning to Cooperation and Connection
At this stage, couples turn back to each other and to the marriage. They are able to negotiate differences more easily and see nurturing the relationship and their partner as a priority.

Stage 6: Acceptance and Peace
True intimacy and mutuality emerge at this phase as both members in the couple recognize that they can be separate or be together without losing their identity and see the relationship as mutually fulfilling.

25 Tips for Romance

1. Recreate your first date. Try to remember where you went, what you did, what you wore, what you ate, what you talked about. Re-create as closely as you can.
2. Put candy kisses in your sweetheart’s pockets, car, at the kitchen table, and leave a picture with a heart next to them.
3. Surprise is a wonderful way to bring back romance. Think of something that your partner really wants or would like to do … and get it or plan it.
4. Find something playful to do … swing on a swing set, play miniature golf, have a pillow fight, bring home the ingredients for “some mores” …
5. Leave love notes in unexpected places.
6. Have dinner alone and with candlelight using the best china and silver.
7. Come up with 25 reasons why you love your partner and write them out in a card or out them on small slips of paper in a box for him to open.
8. Look clearly into your partner’s eyes for a few seconds and, while holding that gaze, tell her how much you love her.
9. Find pet names for each other that express endearment and caring.
10. Give her flowers on each of your children’s birthdays.
11. Reminisce about how you fell in love. What were the first signals to you that this was a different relationship? When did you first notice that you were in love and when did you first say it out loud? What were some of the earliest things about your partner that you noticed and led to the feelings of love?
12. Listen to songs that were popular when you fell in love? Choose a song that is “your” song.
13. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date … every month.
14. Write in a journal on a regular basis with highlights of your life together. Read it together on your anniversary.
15. Watch a romantic old movie together like .. Casablanca, Marty, An Affair to Remember or Doctor Zhivago.
16. Take a bubble bath together.
17. Pack a picnic a find a spot where there are no other people around.
18. If you have young children and cannot get away easily, plan a special time after they are in bed. Light candles, put on music, fix something interesting to eat and drink. Think of two or three items of conversation that might reveal more to you about your partner like “What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Tell me all of the reasons you liked it.” or “What is your biggest dream, realistic or not?”
19. Talk about a couple, real or on the screen, that you really like and think of their relationship as very romantic. Talk about all of the reasons that make you think that. Is there anything that they do/have done that you could do?
20. Tell your partner 5 things that you love and appreciate about him. Give him all of the reasons that make you say that. Share one example of a time when she/he showed that quality.
21. Read love poems together.
22. Go on a date and pretend to just meet. You might even think of a different persona to pretend to be. Try out some “schmaltzy” pick-up lines with each other.
23. Volunteer a back rub or massage.
24. Make random phone calls, texts or e-mails with the only goal of saying “I love you”.
25. For men … offer to help with the housework or the children. Research shows that men who help with housework and child care describe better sex lives.