Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Help!... I have just learned that my partner is having an affair.

We have been seeing many people this month who have been shaken by the stress of an affair. The one having the affair often feels conflicted about the marriage, frequently believing that they have found their “soul-mate”, the person with whom they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives. The “hurt” spouse is often so hurt and devastated that they quickly react out of that pain of hurt, betrayal and anger.

Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :

Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.

As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.

Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.

As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.

Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.

There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/

Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.

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