Are you feeling unhappy in your marriage?
Are you considering a divorce?
Don’t move too quickly in asking for a divorce. Slow down and make sure that you have thought things through. There are several things that you should consider.
We are going to share with you five questions to ask yourself before you take the step of asking your partner for a divorce.
1. Have I done everything that I could do? Have I talked openly and lovingly with my partner? Have I asked for counseling and, if refused, gone on my own? Have I changed my own behavior rather than repeat the same old responses and reactions?
Most problems in a marriage are usually not the result of one person‘s behavior. Examining and recognizing your own part in the problem might lead to the changes that you desire for your marriage.
Check back with our blog and we will share 4 more questions to ask yourself. Please feel free to share your comments. We can make it a discussion.
Showing posts with label marriage problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage problems. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Making Good On Promises: “Until Death Do Us Part”
George told me recently that there are times when he really feels like giving up on his marriage. The conflict and distance in his relationship depresses him, but he remembers how much he loves his wife and truly believes that they can get through this stressful time.
Sandy was not sure that she could survive her husband’s mid-life crisis. She knew that he was acting differently than at any time before and she truly believed that he would come full circle and return home to make things work in the marriage.
Jenny and Jim were overwhelmed with the stress of trying to get pregnant, the loss of his mother and Jenny’s job lay-off. Both recognized that they were shorter and more critical of each other, not nurturing each other as they once had. When talking with them; however, the conversation usually ended with one of them saying something like “I know that things will get better” or “It cannot stay this bad forever”.
This belief in a solution to problems and stressful events can save a marriage. Having the courage to hang in with the relationship and work through difficult times has been what has made the difference in many marriages. When people are able to acknowledge the tough times and yet also talk about their commitment to the marriage and working things out, we feel pretty confident that the marriage will make it.
One study of long-term marriages reported that many couples reported very stressful periods, and yet, years later, they remember them with a sense of having coped, survived and even thrived as they describe how happy they were to have hung in there and made it through. Many say that divorce would have been the worst decision and, while it may have been the easy way out at the time, in the long run, remaining in the marriage and working through things has been the absolute right thing to do.
What stories of commitment and its affect on your relationship do you have? Please share them with us.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tip of the Week, March 24, 2008
A recent research study showed that partners who respond with celebration and excitement to their spouses’ good news enhance their relationship even better than spouses who empathize and support each other when there is bad news. In a study at the University of California Santa Barbara, researcher Shelly Gable, PhD determined that praise boosted a relationship more than empathy. Furthermore, passive responses to good news led to dissatisfaction in the relationship. So, the next time that you hear good news from your partner, find a way to celebrate!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
How A Cheating Spouse Can Regain Trust
Often there are problems in a marriage before an affair begins; however, in order for trust to rebuild, it is important to address the infidelity before spending a great deal of time on the marital problems. There are several reasons for this, the most important being that the “hurting” partner will not be in any shape to hear about their mistakes until they can believe that their spouse has heard them and understands how painful this “solution” was to them and to the relationship. This is sort of like the idea that, if you injure your body, you have to stop the bleeding before you can treat the wound.
The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.
The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.
It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.
Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.
As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.
The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.
The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.
It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.
Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.
As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Defensiveness Blocks Healthy Communication
“My partner does not understand me.”
“My spouse is always unfair with her criticism.”
“He always has to be right.”
How many of these statements would you answer “true”?
Do you prepare for an attack before it happens?
Do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?
When anyone feels attacked, it is normal to want to defend yourself; however, responding defensively when presented with a complaint is one way to end the opportunity for healthy conversation and connection in a relationship. It also opens the door for an escalating argument.
The best thing to do when presented with a complaint is to slow down and find a way to listen to your partner; possibly even entertaining the idea that they might be right … or have a point worth considering.
Amazingly, those who are able to let go of defensiveness, also feel better about themselves and about their partner. They recognize that “listening to” does not mean “agreeing with” but is rather a respectful way of saying “You … and your ideas … are important to me, even if we do not see things the same way.”
Hearing another person’s complaints about you can feel very uncomfortable, and yet, you might learn something useful, if you can relax and take it from an “informational perspective.”
One of the most important things to remember when practicing listening rather than defending is that it truly gives you power. When someone else feels heard, they are much more likely to “hear”.
“My spouse is always unfair with her criticism.”
“He always has to be right.”
How many of these statements would you answer “true”?
Do you prepare for an attack before it happens?
Do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?
When anyone feels attacked, it is normal to want to defend yourself; however, responding defensively when presented with a complaint is one way to end the opportunity for healthy conversation and connection in a relationship. It also opens the door for an escalating argument.
The best thing to do when presented with a complaint is to slow down and find a way to listen to your partner; possibly even entertaining the idea that they might be right … or have a point worth considering.
Amazingly, those who are able to let go of defensiveness, also feel better about themselves and about their partner. They recognize that “listening to” does not mean “agreeing with” but is rather a respectful way of saying “You … and your ideas … are important to me, even if we do not see things the same way.”
Hearing another person’s complaints about you can feel very uncomfortable, and yet, you might learn something useful, if you can relax and take it from an “informational perspective.”
One of the most important things to remember when practicing listening rather than defending is that it truly gives you power. When someone else feels heard, they are much more likely to “hear”.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Help!... I have just learned that my partner is having an affair.
We have been seeing many people this month who have been shaken by the stress of an affair. The one having the affair often feels conflicted about the marriage, frequently believing that they have found their “soul-mate”, the person with whom they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives. The “hurt” spouse is often so hurt and devastated that they quickly react out of that pain of hurt, betrayal and anger.
Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :
Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.
As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.
Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.
As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.
Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.
There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/
Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.
Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :
Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.
As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.
Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.
As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.
Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.
There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/
Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Starting a Complaint
We often have people ask us how to get their partner to listen to their concerns without immediately getting defensive or trying to turn the tables with a complaint about them … or about the way that they are making the complaint. We also have people ask us how to keep their spouse from “nagging” or bringing up complaints in an angry way … after they have been “sizzling” for awhile.
Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.
Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.
Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”
Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”
Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…
“I really feel like you care about me when you … “
“I feel the closest to you when …”
“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”
Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.
Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.
Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”
Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”
Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…
“I really feel like you care about me when you … “
“I feel the closest to you when …”
“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tip of the Week, January 14, 2008
Change the time of day or the location when having a disagreement or fight. If you usually fight at night, get your partner to agree to only disagree during the daytime … and actually schedule a time for the conflict. If you generally fight in the bedroom (one of the worst places to fight) then agree to move all of your fights to the kitchen … or out to the back deck. If you have fought in every room in the house, then agree that all disagreements must be taken outside.
Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.
Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Stories of Success ... In A Marriage
An Experiment With Positivity
A woman, Jean, who was struggling with her marriage and seriously considering a divorce was reading one of the local advice columns in the morning paper. The problem involved a father and a teen-age son. The son was described as lazy, unmotivated, messy, etc. and the dad described himself as being on “his last nerve” with the boy. He had tried lecture, grounding, taking away privileges and nothing was working. The advice columnist suggested that the father “do a 180,” a complete turn-around in how he was handling the problem, and only talk with his son about things that were going well. The father noted a remarkable difference very quickly after making this change.
Jean, in her struggling marriage, decided to try the very same thing. Instead of her frequent requests and complaints (which her husband described as nagging), she was either quiet and said nothing or found something to compliment him on. This was very difficult for her to do in the early stages of the experiment; however, she noted that within a few weeks, some of the things that she had asked for were now being done spontaneously. Jean further reported that by the end of the month, her husband was doing things around the house … and for her, that she had never requested. It was also about this time that Jean noticed that she had started liking her husband again. She was truly surprised at this turn in her feelings as she had felt very few warm feelings for him over the past year … but thinking about, and talking about his positive efforts and qualities … as well as believing that she could trust these changes that he was making brought about this difference.
Jean noted several months later that things were going very well in her home. Love-making came back into the marriage. Her husband was “courting” her again with dates, notes, phone calls and texts … and she was also initiating flirting and promoting humor and fun.
Do you have any stories of success to share with us?
A woman, Jean, who was struggling with her marriage and seriously considering a divorce was reading one of the local advice columns in the morning paper. The problem involved a father and a teen-age son. The son was described as lazy, unmotivated, messy, etc. and the dad described himself as being on “his last nerve” with the boy. He had tried lecture, grounding, taking away privileges and nothing was working. The advice columnist suggested that the father “do a 180,” a complete turn-around in how he was handling the problem, and only talk with his son about things that were going well. The father noted a remarkable difference very quickly after making this change.
Jean, in her struggling marriage, decided to try the very same thing. Instead of her frequent requests and complaints (which her husband described as nagging), she was either quiet and said nothing or found something to compliment him on. This was very difficult for her to do in the early stages of the experiment; however, she noted that within a few weeks, some of the things that she had asked for were now being done spontaneously. Jean further reported that by the end of the month, her husband was doing things around the house … and for her, that she had never requested. It was also about this time that Jean noticed that she had started liking her husband again. She was truly surprised at this turn in her feelings as she had felt very few warm feelings for him over the past year … but thinking about, and talking about his positive efforts and qualities … as well as believing that she could trust these changes that he was making brought about this difference.
Jean noted several months later that things were going very well in her home. Love-making came back into the marriage. Her husband was “courting” her again with dates, notes, phone calls and texts … and she was also initiating flirting and promoting humor and fun.
Do you have any stories of success to share with us?
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Infidelity: The Hurting Spouse, What Can I Do?
It is common for both spouses to feel a great deal of anxiety and depression, sometimes even suicidal thoughts, after the affair has been uncovered or revealed. The crisis of infidelity shakes even the strongest people and the reactions are like any traumatic event. The hurting spouse moves through feelings of despair, despondence, fear, anger and rage. The initial responses may range from the desire to do anything to save the marriage with a desperate pursuit of their spouse to insistence that their spouse immediately leave the house and plans to file for divorce. The stronger the trust, the greater the surprise and that generally leads to the most intense reactions.
The spouse who has had the affair generally feels a great deal of guilt and remorse, although that may not be what comes out of his or her mouth. Initially the response may be defensive ones that blame the marriage as the reason for the affair. This person, if there has been an emotional connection with the affaire, also may feel some ambivalence about ending that relationship and hurting the other person. There generally is no desire to talk about the specifics of the affair, both to protect their spouse as well as to protect themselves.
Most couples that experience an affair … and both decide that they want to save the marriage, can recover. Many even say that their marriage is stronger and better than it ever was; however, healing from infidelity can take a very long time (one to two years) and a lot of open communication, damage repair and eventual forgiveness. If there has been more than one affair, the reasons for the infidelity are often more complicated and recovery can be more complicated, but not impossible.
The first thing that the couple needs to do is to acknowledge that there has been this crisis, that it is a very painful time and that they must find a way to calm down and make decisions deliberately and in their own best interests, not as a reaction to the traumatic event. This is one of the times where guidance from a competent therapist who has skill and knowledge with recovery from infidelity is a valuable resource. This is one of the areas that John and Sally have worked with extensively and would be glad to help you and spouse as you focus on this problem … and your marriage.
The spouse who has had the affair generally feels a great deal of guilt and remorse, although that may not be what comes out of his or her mouth. Initially the response may be defensive ones that blame the marriage as the reason for the affair. This person, if there has been an emotional connection with the affaire, also may feel some ambivalence about ending that relationship and hurting the other person. There generally is no desire to talk about the specifics of the affair, both to protect their spouse as well as to protect themselves.
Most couples that experience an affair … and both decide that they want to save the marriage, can recover. Many even say that their marriage is stronger and better than it ever was; however, healing from infidelity can take a very long time (one to two years) and a lot of open communication, damage repair and eventual forgiveness. If there has been more than one affair, the reasons for the infidelity are often more complicated and recovery can be more complicated, but not impossible.
The first thing that the couple needs to do is to acknowledge that there has been this crisis, that it is a very painful time and that they must find a way to calm down and make decisions deliberately and in their own best interests, not as a reaction to the traumatic event. This is one of the times where guidance from a competent therapist who has skill and knowledge with recovery from infidelity is a valuable resource. This is one of the areas that John and Sally have worked with extensively and would be glad to help you and spouse as you focus on this problem … and your marriage.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Stages of Marriage
Relationships change over time. Many of these are typical or predictable. At times it helps for couples to know what to expect as their relationships move through time. These stages are not all experienced in a straight-line fashion, rather they tend to flow and cycle back. Below are some brief descriptions of these different stages.
Stage 1: The ”Honeymoon” Phase
This is the earliest and most exhilarating and exciting stage of a relationship. Individuals see each other in very positive ways and are not yet aware of any problems. At this time, couples look for sameness in each other with interests and values. Any challenges to the relationship are viewed as positives as couples look for ways to surmount them together.
Stage 2: Disenchantment and Disappointment Set In
The first cycle of this stage generally begins about 3 months into a relationship. Couples begin to experience the changes in each other or the clearer view of the other with disappointment and sadness. Couples that successfully move through this stage, find ways to talk about the differences with open, respectful communication. Together they determine if healthy change can happen or if the relationship would be in a better space if it ended.
Stage 3: Struggles for Control
This stage emerges as half of each couple considers their own individual needs and, at times, those needs compete. Needs can center around desire for connection and nurturance or a say in how decisions are made on both small and large issues ranging from finances to the color of the living room walls. Couples must learn how to disagree respectfully and to compromise effectively in order to move past this stage. Some couples stay here for a very long time.
Stage 4: Is the Grass Greener?
One or the other may be interested in leaving the relationship to discover other relationships or to fulfill personal dreams.
Stage 5: Returning to Cooperation and Connection
At this stage, couples turn back to each other and to the marriage. They are able to negotiate differences more easily and see nurturing the relationship and their partner as a priority.
Stage 6: Acceptance and Peace
True intimacy and mutuality emerge at this phase as both members in the couple recognize that they can be separate or be together without losing their identity and see the relationship as mutually fulfilling.
Stage 1: The ”Honeymoon” Phase
This is the earliest and most exhilarating and exciting stage of a relationship. Individuals see each other in very positive ways and are not yet aware of any problems. At this time, couples look for sameness in each other with interests and values. Any challenges to the relationship are viewed as positives as couples look for ways to surmount them together.
Stage 2: Disenchantment and Disappointment Set In
The first cycle of this stage generally begins about 3 months into a relationship. Couples begin to experience the changes in each other or the clearer view of the other with disappointment and sadness. Couples that successfully move through this stage, find ways to talk about the differences with open, respectful communication. Together they determine if healthy change can happen or if the relationship would be in a better space if it ended.
Stage 3: Struggles for Control
This stage emerges as half of each couple considers their own individual needs and, at times, those needs compete. Needs can center around desire for connection and nurturance or a say in how decisions are made on both small and large issues ranging from finances to the color of the living room walls. Couples must learn how to disagree respectfully and to compromise effectively in order to move past this stage. Some couples stay here for a very long time.
Stage 4: Is the Grass Greener?
One or the other may be interested in leaving the relationship to discover other relationships or to fulfill personal dreams.
Stage 5: Returning to Cooperation and Connection
At this stage, couples turn back to each other and to the marriage. They are able to negotiate differences more easily and see nurturing the relationship and their partner as a priority.
Stage 6: Acceptance and Peace
True intimacy and mutuality emerge at this phase as both members in the couple recognize that they can be separate or be together without losing their identity and see the relationship as mutually fulfilling.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Reignite Feelings of Passion and Romance
Most couples that have been together for some time, know that excitement and passion can wane. Some of the biggest contributors are fatigue, lack of time, loss of “newness” and falling into routines that do not engender excitement. Of course, it is also common to hear about a lack of interest in couples with a lot of unresolved conflict. Distance, hurt and anger in the relationship also contribute to a loss of feelings of connectedness and respect.
Many men, as well as many women, report that they need intimacy outside of the bedroom before being at all interested in intimacy inside the bedroom.
Here are some thoughts to remember when you and your partner are looking for ways to fire up the relationship.
· It is very important to tend to the needs of the relationship, to learn healthy communication and conflict resolutions skills.
· Are old wounds so deep or does the behavior continue in hurtful ways? If so, you need to pay special care and possibly talk things over with a professional therapist.
· Are the wounds old and has the behavior changed? If so, are these past injustices or hurts ones that you must just find ways to let go of them and forgive your partner?
· While it is not always the case, sometimes it is good to just reconnect with intimacy and let that be the lubrication for reconnecting in other ways.
· Make sure to find ways to let your partner know that he or she is very important to you and that you want to reconnect because he or she truly is the one that you love and want to be with.
· Offer to help your spouse with housework and childcare. One research study showed a clear positive connection between increased sexual frequency and men who helped with housework.
· Make sure to find time during each day to connect with your spouse and to protect sacred time with her/him on a regular basis.
· Talk out loud with your partner about what you like, find interesting and attractive about each other.
· Since the brain is the largest sexual organ, find time during the day to think, for just a few moments, about romance with your partner.
These are some beginning ideas. We will share more with other topics and would welcome your comments on our blog.
Many men, as well as many women, report that they need intimacy outside of the bedroom before being at all interested in intimacy inside the bedroom.
Here are some thoughts to remember when you and your partner are looking for ways to fire up the relationship.
· It is very important to tend to the needs of the relationship, to learn healthy communication and conflict resolutions skills.
· Are old wounds so deep or does the behavior continue in hurtful ways? If so, you need to pay special care and possibly talk things over with a professional therapist.
· Are the wounds old and has the behavior changed? If so, are these past injustices or hurts ones that you must just find ways to let go of them and forgive your partner?
· While it is not always the case, sometimes it is good to just reconnect with intimacy and let that be the lubrication for reconnecting in other ways.
· Make sure to find ways to let your partner know that he or she is very important to you and that you want to reconnect because he or she truly is the one that you love and want to be with.
· Offer to help your spouse with housework and childcare. One research study showed a clear positive connection between increased sexual frequency and men who helped with housework.
· Make sure to find time during each day to connect with your spouse and to protect sacred time with her/him on a regular basis.
· Talk out loud with your partner about what you like, find interesting and attractive about each other.
· Since the brain is the largest sexual organ, find time during the day to think, for just a few moments, about romance with your partner.
These are some beginning ideas. We will share more with other topics and would welcome your comments on our blog.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Tip of the Week, December 3, 2007
The way that you think about your relationships and your life affects the way that you feel about yourself, your life and others. When you are able to think positively about life, you will feel better. Try an experiment for today. Choose one relationship that is troublesome to you … and find a way to look for a positive in that situation or that person.
If your boss is difficult, think of one thing about her/him that is positive such as “He does have a good smile” or “She did say that she likes the way that I handle customers.” If that is not possible, think of a positive thing about the situation such as “I am only at this job 40 hours a week and have many other things in my life that are fulfilling such as my spouse, children, home, etc. … and I can put this all in perspective.”
One woman recently told me that she was surprised by how much better she felt after she changed one habit. She no longer spent time with co-workers who were unhappy with the job and constantly complaining. Instead, she tried to only talk with others about neutral or positive things about the job … or about her life. Her job and the problems did not change but they were no longer so overwhelming for her and she no longer found herself thinking so much about them.
If your boss is difficult, think of one thing about her/him that is positive such as “He does have a good smile” or “She did say that she likes the way that I handle customers.” If that is not possible, think of a positive thing about the situation such as “I am only at this job 40 hours a week and have many other things in my life that are fulfilling such as my spouse, children, home, etc. … and I can put this all in perspective.”
One woman recently told me that she was surprised by how much better she felt after she changed one habit. She no longer spent time with co-workers who were unhappy with the job and constantly complaining. Instead, she tried to only talk with others about neutral or positive things about the job … or about her life. Her job and the problems did not change but they were no longer so overwhelming for her and she no longer found herself thinking so much about them.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
What Makes It So Hard To Remain Faithful To Your Spouse?
The causes of infidelity are complicated and can happen in good marriages as well as struggling ones.
Many affairs develop in marriages where couples have drifted apart because they have avoided conflict and resolving problems, are fearful of intimacy or have just not tended to the necessary feeding that a marital relationship requires. They can also occur when one person is depressed, unhappy in the marriage or within a social group where affairs are condoned. Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
In healthy marriages, it can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly and with whom a friendship develops into more as stories, experiences and life events are shared.
Multiple affairs generally indicate some personal problems with the person having affairs. Some are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs often by the same sex parent and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings.
Emotional affairs may not involve a sexual relationship (intercourse); however they do involve secrecy from the spouse and sharing of intimate details in each other’s lives and can be as destructive, often even more so, than sexual affairs. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs, men are more likely to have sexual affairs.
Internet affairs are becoming more and more common. With today’s technology and easy access to others with similar interests or problems … as well as the opportunity to see “what is out there” in the single world, people can become emotionally open to another in ways that distance them from their spouse and the marriage.
Many affairs develop in marriages where couples have drifted apart because they have avoided conflict and resolving problems, are fearful of intimacy or have just not tended to the necessary feeding that a marital relationship requires. They can also occur when one person is depressed, unhappy in the marriage or within a social group where affairs are condoned. Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
In healthy marriages, it can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly and with whom a friendship develops into more as stories, experiences and life events are shared.
Multiple affairs generally indicate some personal problems with the person having affairs. Some are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs often by the same sex parent and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings.
Emotional affairs may not involve a sexual relationship (intercourse); however they do involve secrecy from the spouse and sharing of intimate details in each other’s lives and can be as destructive, often even more so, than sexual affairs. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs, men are more likely to have sexual affairs.
Internet affairs are becoming more and more common. With today’s technology and easy access to others with similar interests or problems … as well as the opportunity to see “what is out there” in the single world, people can become emotionally open to another in ways that distance them from their spouse and the marriage.
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