Most do not … although a realistic goal is for all of the members of the stepfamily to feel comfortable, respectful and appreciative of their new relationships. It truly is too much to ask for everyone to have the same feelings for a family that parents have chosen as they do for the one into which they were born, especially if there are other parents around. Even if the other parent supports the new family, there remain ties of longing for and belonging to the original family.
Everyone has to find ways to expect things to go slowly, relationships of friendship and respect to take a long time to develop and reasonable comfort in new surroundings to arise. Most people in stepfamilies say that it generally takes one to two years before breathing a sigh of relief. If there are complicating factors, that may take even longer.
Here are a few suggestions for stepfamilies.
· Communicate. Talk and listen to each other. Allow children to ask questions and disagree. If a child does not like something, find out why. That does not mean that parents have to agree, however, listening and questioning provide respect, and often, important information.
· Engage children, considering their age, in establishing family rules such as household chores. Consider holding family meetings as a way of ongoing communication and assessing progress and problems.
· Parents should use healthy humor, apologies and loving comments to model for their children ways to survive in a stepfamily,
· Develop rituals. Some ideas are: a special dinnertime event, birthday and holiday celebrations, evening and winding down rituals, welcoming children home after visiting with the other household rituals. Think together about what might be rituals and routines to develop for this new family constellation.
· Talk at the dinner table. Consider asking questions such as “What were the highs and lows of your day”. As parents, get involved in the discussion as well.
· Treasure time for the original family … without stepfamily members, and make sure that it happens on a regular basis.
· Never talk poorly about the other parent(s) and respect the children’s desire to have a relationship with that other parent.
· Do not look for or expect “thank you” or appreciation. Celebrate when it does happen.
What ideas have you had? What experiences have you found that worked, or did not work, to share with us?
Showing posts with label blended families. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blended families. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tips for Stepfathers
While stepfathers do not start out with a “bad name” as stepmothers might, they also often have many obstacles to overcome. Natural dads may have some jealousy about another man in the lives of their children and children often struggle with developing positive feelings about this new person who is important to their mother, while also remaining loyal to their father.
One of the biggest mistakes that men often make is to think that they can “get things in shape” as they frequently see the mother as too lenient or soft and believe that what the children really need is a firmer hand and clearer rules and consequences. If he has children of his own, a stepfather may be used to setting rules and enforcing them, and yet, that is one of the last things that he can do when entering this new family.
Mothers and their children may have developed a close connection before the stepfamily began and the stepfather may really struggle with finding his place in the family. He may literally have to kick children out of his bed in order to connect with their mom.
We will share with you some of the ideas we have for guidelines for stepdads and invite you to share some of your thoughts as well.
· Build a positive relationship with the children before attempting any kind of discipline. You can do this from conversations about them and their lives, playing sports or games, attending school events and initiating family gatherings. Children will rarely accept discipline from someone that they do not respect … and respect takes time to grow.
· Give the children space when they need it. Don’t ask too many questions, just be there if and when they need you.
· Look for things to like about your stepchildren and try to think about those things more than you think about the problems with them.
· Support your wife when she needs some alone time with her children. This will help the children to understand that you are not a threat to them and want them to continue to have a close and loving relationship with their mother.
· Nurture your marriage. Find ways to have dates and build on the positives in the relationship.
· Talk lots with your wife about the small successes and steps in the right direction, even more than you talk about the problems. It often takes a couple of years before people can say “we are okay now” in stepfamilies. Going slowly and celebrating small steps is the quickest way to get where you want to be.
One of the biggest mistakes that men often make is to think that they can “get things in shape” as they frequently see the mother as too lenient or soft and believe that what the children really need is a firmer hand and clearer rules and consequences. If he has children of his own, a stepfather may be used to setting rules and enforcing them, and yet, that is one of the last things that he can do when entering this new family.
Mothers and their children may have developed a close connection before the stepfamily began and the stepfather may really struggle with finding his place in the family. He may literally have to kick children out of his bed in order to connect with their mom.
We will share with you some of the ideas we have for guidelines for stepdads and invite you to share some of your thoughts as well.
· Build a positive relationship with the children before attempting any kind of discipline. You can do this from conversations about them and their lives, playing sports or games, attending school events and initiating family gatherings. Children will rarely accept discipline from someone that they do not respect … and respect takes time to grow.
· Give the children space when they need it. Don’t ask too many questions, just be there if and when they need you.
· Look for things to like about your stepchildren and try to think about those things more than you think about the problems with them.
· Support your wife when she needs some alone time with her children. This will help the children to understand that you are not a threat to them and want them to continue to have a close and loving relationship with their mother.
· Nurture your marriage. Find ways to have dates and build on the positives in the relationship.
· Talk lots with your wife about the small successes and steps in the right direction, even more than you talk about the problems. It often takes a couple of years before people can say “we are okay now” in stepfamilies. Going slowly and celebrating small steps is the quickest way to get where you want to be.
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Wicked" Stepmothers
There has long been a stereotype of stepmothers as wicked. Women who are in that role often begin their new relationships feeling as if they are facing an uphill battle. Stepmoms often start out the process with strikes already against them and it can be hard just to get to neutral. What is that all about?
Some of it comes from fairytales like Cinderella. Children grow up connecting stepmothers and “wicked” together in the same sentence and it is hard to change that thought pattern.
At times, just her presence reminds others that the parents are no longer together and this can be very discomforting for the children and the others involved with this family such as the grandmothers who may have mixed feelings in seeing their own daughter “replaced”.
Women are also often seen as the primary caregivers and so are expected to be in charge of many life events related to the children and the operating of the household. Not all decisions or behaviors are welcomed and the stepmother may get the blame for anything that goes wrong or is unpopular … even if she has absolutely nothing to say about it.
Stepmothers make mistakes as well. They may try to hard to create a loving family, well before the children are ready. They may enter into issues of discipline too quickly, maybe out of necessity because there are times when she has primary care of the children. They may also feel resentful because the children do not seem to appreciate their hard efforts … and that resentment shows.
Dads sometimes contribute to the difficulties that stepmothers experience by listening too long to their children’s complaints about her or by not requiring respect for her.
We are going to share with you a few tips about how to handle being a stepmother, knowing full well that each family is different and there are also differences depending on the age of the children. We would be interested in some of your comments about stepmothers and how to break away from that negative idea of “wickedness”.
Expect to go slowly and measure progress in very small steps. Celebrate those steps. Acknowledge them and let others in the family know that you appreciate them.
Find time alone with each stepchild, even if only a few minutes a day, just to ask them about what is going on in their lives. Expect slow progress; however, as the adult, it is important to take the initiative and continue to try to develop a positive relationship.
Stay out of any discipline, if at all possible, for the first year. Just use that as a time to build a relationship with the children. Share your concerns with the children’s dad, but let him be the “mouthpiece” for any decisions and changes that are made.
Never say anything even remotely negative about the mother of the children. You can complain to your husband, just make sure that the children never hear it.
Do not expect appreciation. Remember that the children have divided loyalties and appreciating you may feel disloyal to their mother. Keep doing things for them, however, your efforts and friendship will eventually reap its rewards.
Go to bat for them when you can. Be their advocate with their dad when it is appropriate.
Make sure that the children have some “alone” time with their dad, time that does not include you. This may seem like something that will not build the “family”; however, it actually allows the children to feel better about their stepmother when they do not feel that she is always in the middle of their relationship with their dad.
Stay positive with your husband. Listen and strategize with him about how to handle issues with the children and respect the fact that this is hard on him as well. They are his children and he loves them.
Accept the fact that you may not really like your stepchildren, especially if they might be teenagers. That can be very normal. Just look for a place to build respect and find aspects of their personality or behavior that you do like.
Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone, visit with friends, talk with other women in the same situation. Expect this to go slowly. There are no easy “fixes” for this situation and the mere fact that it is difficult is not just about your efforts, in fact, most of it probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Please share your ideas here. What thoughts do you have? What stresses and successes have you experienced.
Some of it comes from fairytales like Cinderella. Children grow up connecting stepmothers and “wicked” together in the same sentence and it is hard to change that thought pattern.
At times, just her presence reminds others that the parents are no longer together and this can be very discomforting for the children and the others involved with this family such as the grandmothers who may have mixed feelings in seeing their own daughter “replaced”.
Women are also often seen as the primary caregivers and so are expected to be in charge of many life events related to the children and the operating of the household. Not all decisions or behaviors are welcomed and the stepmother may get the blame for anything that goes wrong or is unpopular … even if she has absolutely nothing to say about it.
Stepmothers make mistakes as well. They may try to hard to create a loving family, well before the children are ready. They may enter into issues of discipline too quickly, maybe out of necessity because there are times when she has primary care of the children. They may also feel resentful because the children do not seem to appreciate their hard efforts … and that resentment shows.
Dads sometimes contribute to the difficulties that stepmothers experience by listening too long to their children’s complaints about her or by not requiring respect for her.
We are going to share with you a few tips about how to handle being a stepmother, knowing full well that each family is different and there are also differences depending on the age of the children. We would be interested in some of your comments about stepmothers and how to break away from that negative idea of “wickedness”.
Expect to go slowly and measure progress in very small steps. Celebrate those steps. Acknowledge them and let others in the family know that you appreciate them.
Find time alone with each stepchild, even if only a few minutes a day, just to ask them about what is going on in their lives. Expect slow progress; however, as the adult, it is important to take the initiative and continue to try to develop a positive relationship.
Stay out of any discipline, if at all possible, for the first year. Just use that as a time to build a relationship with the children. Share your concerns with the children’s dad, but let him be the “mouthpiece” for any decisions and changes that are made.
Never say anything even remotely negative about the mother of the children. You can complain to your husband, just make sure that the children never hear it.
Do not expect appreciation. Remember that the children have divided loyalties and appreciating you may feel disloyal to their mother. Keep doing things for them, however, your efforts and friendship will eventually reap its rewards.
Go to bat for them when you can. Be their advocate with their dad when it is appropriate.
Make sure that the children have some “alone” time with their dad, time that does not include you. This may seem like something that will not build the “family”; however, it actually allows the children to feel better about their stepmother when they do not feel that she is always in the middle of their relationship with their dad.
Stay positive with your husband. Listen and strategize with him about how to handle issues with the children and respect the fact that this is hard on him as well. They are his children and he loves them.
Accept the fact that you may not really like your stepchildren, especially if they might be teenagers. That can be very normal. Just look for a place to build respect and find aspects of their personality or behavior that you do like.
Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone, visit with friends, talk with other women in the same situation. Expect this to go slowly. There are no easy “fixes” for this situation and the mere fact that it is difficult is not just about your efforts, in fact, most of it probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Please share your ideas here. What thoughts do you have? What stresses and successes have you experienced.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Step-Family Support Group of Kentuckiana
Support groups are wonderful for many reasons: meeting others who are in the same situation, finding out that you are not the only one struggling with a specific problem, hearing about how others have solved the same problems and recognizing when you can be a support to others who are in the same situation.
Living in a step-family can be one of the hardest family groups … and couple relationships … to survive in, that is why the divorce rate is significantly higher than in first time marriages. As we look for ways to support healthy couple … and family … relationships, we want to be creative with our ideas and our energy.
The Support Group for Step-Families in Kentucky-Indiana is one way of enhancing family life and supporting healthy families and marriages. The group has been meeting for a few months now and the families that come have been delighted to find others to share ideas, laughs and gripes with. If you … or someone that you know … is interested in learning more about this group, please contact us and we will share more. There is no cost. Children are invited to come … and, even though we do not have child care, we can find ways to meet, and sometimes include them in the discussion.
Living in a step-family can be one of the hardest family groups … and couple relationships … to survive in, that is why the divorce rate is significantly higher than in first time marriages. As we look for ways to support healthy couple … and family … relationships, we want to be creative with our ideas and our energy.
The Support Group for Step-Families in Kentucky-Indiana is one way of enhancing family life and supporting healthy families and marriages. The group has been meeting for a few months now and the families that come have been delighted to find others to share ideas, laughs and gripes with. If you … or someone that you know … is interested in learning more about this group, please contact us and we will share more. There is no cost. Children are invited to come … and, even though we do not have child care, we can find ways to meet, and sometimes include them in the discussion.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
What Can You Expect, Realistically, With the Merging of Two Families?
When two people fall in love, they naturally want their families to blend right away and immediately get along with each other. This is very unrealistic and sets the stage for disappointment, hurt and anger by all involved.
Some of the other ideas that are common ideas and also unrealistic expectations are:
· Children will accept the new stepparent with open arms, courtesy and pleasure.
· The stepmother will be able to be kind, gentle and loving enough that the children will quickly fall in love with her.
· The stepfather will be able to immediately handle discipline problems with the children so that they will accept authority and rules.
· The children will really like each other and enjoy having a larger family.
· There will not be any problems with choosing common rules for children in this new unit.
· The new stepparents will really like and, even come to love, their stepchildren.
· This new loving family can “overcome” the influence of the other family.
What should you expect in a stepfamily?
· It generally takes one or two years for stepfamilies to say that they are finally okay.
· Stepchildren will only accept discipline (teaching) from someone that they respect and have a relationship with.
· Patience, a good sense of humor and lots of loving communication will be required because it takes a long time for people to even feel comfortable with each other.
· Stepparents and stepchildren may only get to the place of learning to get along. The relationship may never get deeper than that; and for some families, that can be seen as success.
· Stress and struggle are the norm.
· Natural parents from “the other” family cannot be criticized in front of the children without causing problems in your family relationship.
· The adults must be the grown-ups and demonstrate lots of flexibility, humor, patience and understanding.
Some of the other ideas that are common ideas and also unrealistic expectations are:
· Children will accept the new stepparent with open arms, courtesy and pleasure.
· The stepmother will be able to be kind, gentle and loving enough that the children will quickly fall in love with her.
· The stepfather will be able to immediately handle discipline problems with the children so that they will accept authority and rules.
· The children will really like each other and enjoy having a larger family.
· There will not be any problems with choosing common rules for children in this new unit.
· The new stepparents will really like and, even come to love, their stepchildren.
· This new loving family can “overcome” the influence of the other family.
What should you expect in a stepfamily?
· It generally takes one or two years for stepfamilies to say that they are finally okay.
· Stepchildren will only accept discipline (teaching) from someone that they respect and have a relationship with.
· Patience, a good sense of humor and lots of loving communication will be required because it takes a long time for people to even feel comfortable with each other.
· Stepparents and stepchildren may only get to the place of learning to get along. The relationship may never get deeper than that; and for some families, that can be seen as success.
· Stress and struggle are the norm.
· Natural parents from “the other” family cannot be criticized in front of the children without causing problems in your family relationship.
· The adults must be the grown-ups and demonstrate lots of flexibility, humor, patience and understanding.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Step-Families
Step-families come together when two people marry or commit and one of both of them have children from another relationship. Some call these “blended families”; however, that is often inaccurate as some families never truly “blend”, they just learn ways to get along with each other respectfully.
These families come together because the adults fall in love with each other, but it is not a choice for the other family members which, in itself, may cause dilemmas. The adults who fall in love expect others to embrace this new unit lovingly and may be discouraged, frustrated, even angry when that does not happen. Children, if their other parent is still alive, may continue to harbor wishes that their parents will get back together and this new marriage may cause another round of feelings of grief and loss. Parents and other family members of the new relationship may still have a connection to former spouses, may disapprove of their child’s choices and changes and may have difficulty in welcoming the new member into the family.
In step-families there are also “insider” and “outsider” positions. Finding ways to navigate this new terrain requires skill, patience, kindness and grit. Step-families often have questions about time as a nuclear family vs. time with the step-family, how to handle issues of authority and discipline and how to handle differences with the “other” family.
Do you have comments to share with us ... and with other readers of this blog?
These families come together because the adults fall in love with each other, but it is not a choice for the other family members which, in itself, may cause dilemmas. The adults who fall in love expect others to embrace this new unit lovingly and may be discouraged, frustrated, even angry when that does not happen. Children, if their other parent is still alive, may continue to harbor wishes that their parents will get back together and this new marriage may cause another round of feelings of grief and loss. Parents and other family members of the new relationship may still have a connection to former spouses, may disapprove of their child’s choices and changes and may have difficulty in welcoming the new member into the family.
In step-families there are also “insider” and “outsider” positions. Finding ways to navigate this new terrain requires skill, patience, kindness and grit. Step-families often have questions about time as a nuclear family vs. time with the step-family, how to handle issues of authority and discipline and how to handle differences with the “other” family.
Do you have comments to share with us ... and with other readers of this blog?
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