Successful Step Dads Understand Their Role

Step fathers often enter a new stepfamily with the expectation that they will bring order and discipline to a loving mother who is too soft with her children. This is especially true if she has sons or teenagers. Mothers also might also set this up as well by feeling somewhat overwhelmed with problems with their sons and having a belief that boys need a strong male to help guide them.

Some step dads mean well but have trouble figuring out the puzzle of stepfamily life.

When Greg and Marsha married, she was really struggling with her son, Chad. Marsha had been a single mom for 5 years and Chad, who was now 12, was used to having a say in many of the things happening in the family. He acted, and expected to be treated, older than he was. Some of this was good, in many ways he was very responsible. In other ways, it was a problem as he had no difficulty challenging his mother and finding his way to getting what he wanted.

Greg saw the problem with this and decided that what Chad most needed was a strong male hand and role model. Marsha seemed to want this until she found out how much Chad resented her new husband. She often felt as though she had to pick sides and, no matter which side she chose, someone was always unhappy. It felt like a “no win” situation for everyone.

Some step dads seem to have it figured out from the beginning.

Todd married Sandy and instantly became a stepfather to 11 year old Tracy and 13 year old Sam. Todd had 2 sons of his own who were 15 and 17 and often out and about with friends and events.

Tracy and Sam spent half of the time with their dad although their visits were inconsistent because of his travel and activity schedule. Sam seemed to be having the toughest time with these transitions. This was only aggravated by his A.D.H.D. diagnosis which caused struggles both at school and at home.

Todd was able to see the big picture with the children and recognize why they had some of the problems that they did. He knew that transitions were difficult and their father was having a hard time with some aspects of his personal life. Sam’s
attention deficit really called for consistency so Todd worked with Sandy and they both talked with Sam’s dad to come up with a plan that was best for the children.

Todd took things slowly. He encouraged Sandy, as she handled most of the discipline with her children, while just finding ways to build a relationship with Tracy and Sam. He offered to take them to school, fix lunches and showed up and cheered them on for school activities.

Times were rough at the start but Todd was able to keep the whole picture in perspective. His sense of humor, patience and dedication to Sandy, along with a positive vision for the success of their family eventually succeeded.

Do Stepfamilies Ever “Blend”?

Most do not … although a realistic goal is for all of the members of the stepfamily to feel comfortable, respectful and appreciative of their new relationships. It truly is too much to ask for everyone to have the same feelings for a family that parents have chosen as they do for the one into which they were born, especially if there are other parents around. Even if the other parent supports the new family, there remain ties of longing for and belonging to the original family.

Everyone has to find ways to expect things to go slowly, relationships of friendship and respect to take a long time to develop and reasonable comfort in new surroundings to arise. Most people in stepfamilies say that it generally takes one to two years before breathing a sigh of relief. If there are complicating factors, that may take even longer.

Here are a few suggestions for stepfamilies.

· Communicate. Talk and listen to each other. Allow children to ask questions and disagree. If a child does not like something, find out why. That does not mean that parents have to agree, however, listening and questioning provide respect, and often, important information.
· Engage children, considering their age, in establishing family rules such as household chores. Consider holding family meetings as a way of ongoing communication and assessing progress and problems.
· Parents should use healthy humor, apologies and loving comments to model for their children ways to survive in a stepfamily,
· Develop rituals. Some ideas are: a special dinnertime event, birthday and holiday celebrations, evening and winding down rituals, welcoming children home after visiting with the other household rituals. Think together about what might be rituals and routines to develop for this new family constellation.
· Talk at the dinner table. Consider asking questions such as “What were the highs and lows of your day”. As parents, get involved in the discussion as well.
· Treasure time for the original family … without stepfamily members, and make sure that it happens on a regular basis.
· Never talk poorly about the other parent(s) and respect the children’s desire to have a relationship with that other parent.
· Do not look for or expect “thank you” or appreciation. Celebrate when it does happen.

What ideas have you had? What experiences have you found that worked, or did not work, to share with us?

Tips for Stepfathers

While stepfathers do not start out with a “bad name” as stepmothers might, they also often have many obstacles to overcome. Natural dads may have some jealousy about another man in the lives of their children and children often struggle with developing positive feelings about this new person who is important to their mother, while also remaining loyal to their father.

One of the biggest mistakes that men often make is to think that they can “get things in shape” as they frequently see the mother as too lenient or soft and believe that what the children really need is a firmer hand and clearer rules and consequences. If he has children of his own, a stepfather may be used to setting rules and enforcing them, and yet, that is one of the last things that he can do when entering this new family.

Mothers and their children may have developed a close connection before the stepfamily began and the stepfather may really struggle with finding his place in the family. He may literally have to kick children out of his bed in order to connect with their mom.

We will share with you some of the ideas we have for guidelines for stepdads and invite you to share some of your thoughts as well.

· Build a positive relationship with the children before attempting any kind of discipline. You can do this from conversations about them and their lives, playing sports or games, attending school events and initiating family gatherings. Children will rarely accept discipline from someone that they do not respect … and respect takes time to grow.
· Give the children space when they need it. Don’t ask too many questions, just be there if and when they need you.
· Look for things to like about your stepchildren and try to think about those things more than you think about the problems with them.
· Support your wife when she needs some alone time with her children. This will help the children to understand that you are not a threat to them and want them to continue to have a close and loving relationship with their mother.
· Nurture your marriage. Find ways to have dates and build on the positives in the relationship.
· Talk lots with your wife about the small successes and steps in the right direction, even more than you talk about the problems. It often takes a couple of years before people can say “we are okay now” in stepfamilies. Going slowly and celebrating small steps is the quickest way to get where you want to be.