Addressing Issues Head-On: Where to Go for Help

Where can I get help when I or we need it?

Some times couples find that they are really stuck in unhealthy patterns and cannot find their way out. It is good when both acknowledge that they want to do something differently because changes can happen much more quickly and cleanly when both are willing to make changes.

Here are a few suggestion for places to go to begin the process of addressing issues head-on.

Books and websites

John Gottman is the premier researcher on healthy marriages. From his research, he has written several books. The books have exercises and information for couples to build the skills to develop healthy relationships.

Check out his website for the list of his books and tools to begin changing your relationship.

The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis is a great book for one person who wants to make a change in the marriage, even if his or her partner is not in the same place.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steve Stosny is a very good book to help you develop a better understanding of your partner. Women often want their men to talk more and men want their partners to do or be more. Neither is wrong or right. Just different. This book helps couples learn how to connect more so that both feel better about the relationship.


Friends or mentoring couples

Are there other couples that you know who have a relationship that you like and admire? What can you learn from them, both by observation and maybe even from conversation. Talk it over with your spouse to see if there are things that you recognize in those other couples that would be good to try yourselves.

Some churches also offer the opportunity to meet with couples who have been successful. Retrovaille is a group weekend setting that offers this in a more formal way. Couples who have been in a very tough spot in their relationship share their experiences, both about their problems and how they found their way to a healthier place.

Professional counseling

Don’t wait the average 6 years between the time that problems start and you ask for help. Get help before it is too late. Talk with your doctor or a trusted friend for a recommendation for a therapist who specializes in relationship work.

Using the internet, start with therapists who are listed on the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website. Any of the therapists listed here have specific training in working with relationships.

Effective Ways to Address Relationship Issues

When you decide that there is an issue that needs to be addressed, it is better to do so sooner rather than later. It is generally not best to address things head on when you or your partner are emotional (hurt, sad, angry, etc.) because strong emotions tend to overwhelm good thinking and keep a healthy conversation from ensuing.

Here are 7 guidelines for ways to address issues head on.

1. Choose times when you are calm.

If at all possible, look for times to address issues when you are both in a calm place. Handling conflict can be hard enough. Starting to address an issue when one or both of you are flooded is a sure-fire way to lead to a disastrous conversation. Being angry, upset and flooded leads to the fight or flight pattern.

Find a calm and loving way and time to introduce any complaints or issues.

2. Find ways to be alone and uninterrupted.

Turn off technology. Make sure that the children are or entertained. Agree to hang in with each other for a specified amount of time.

3. Begin complaints softly.

Make sure that you are calm yourself. Find ways to begin in loving ways and keep you tone and words to ones that say to your spouse “You are someone that I love very much.”

4. Hear each other out and really listen rather than building arguments.

It can be hard to listen to complaints fully rather than spend time building your argument. For effective communication, you must listen to your partner and really understand what they are saying before sharing your thoughts, opinions and differences.

5. If one of you becomes flooded, take a break but make a commitment to get back together.

When disagreeing, most people get flooded. Some are able to stay calmer longer than others; however, when one person becomes flooded, the other often does as well.

As hard as it may be, the wise thing to do is to take a break .. A time out … until both of you are calm and able to talk clearly about the issue.

6. Make a plan to get back together and talk again.

Experts say that it takes 30 days for a change to become a habit. Some plans also need to be changed or renegotiated. Plan to get back together and evaluate how well things are going when there is an issue on the table that needs to be addressed.

7. Find some way to reconnect and repair any damage to the relationship.

After the discussion, make sure to find ways to tell each other that you appreciate the conversation. Look for ways to connect that are positive and loving. Recognize that “winning” an argument is not worth losing the friendship.