Addressing Issues Head-On: Where to Go for Help

Where can I get help when I or we need it?

Some times couples find that they are really stuck in unhealthy patterns and cannot find their way out. It is good when both acknowledge that they want to do something differently because changes can happen much more quickly and cleanly when both are willing to make changes.

Here are a few suggestion for places to go to begin the process of addressing issues head-on.

Books and websites

John Gottman is the premier researcher on healthy marriages. From his research, he has written several books. The books have exercises and information for couples to build the skills to develop healthy relationships.

Check out his website for the list of his books and tools to begin changing your relationship.

The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis is a great book for one person who wants to make a change in the marriage, even if his or her partner is not in the same place.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steve Stosny is a very good book to help you develop a better understanding of your partner. Women often want their men to talk more and men want their partners to do or be more. Neither is wrong or right. Just different. This book helps couples learn how to connect more so that both feel better about the relationship.


Friends or mentoring couples

Are there other couples that you know who have a relationship that you like and admire? What can you learn from them, both by observation and maybe even from conversation. Talk it over with your spouse to see if there are things that you recognize in those other couples that would be good to try yourselves.

Some churches also offer the opportunity to meet with couples who have been successful. Retrovaille is a group weekend setting that offers this in a more formal way. Couples who have been in a very tough spot in their relationship share their experiences, both about their problems and how they found their way to a healthier place.

Professional counseling

Don’t wait the average 6 years between the time that problems start and you ask for help. Get help before it is too late. Talk with your doctor or a trusted friend for a recommendation for a therapist who specializes in relationship work.

Using the internet, start with therapists who are listed on the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website. Any of the therapists listed here have specific training in working with relationships.

Marriage Counseling: Can It Help?

Problems in your marriage?
Unhappy with where things are right now between you and your partner?
Wonder if couples therapy might make a difference?

What do you have to lose? Facing up to the situation and owning your part in it can be a step in the right direction.

Most couples wait a long time after a problem develops before they ever ask for help. Research shows that problems may go on for 6 years before a couple either asks for help or ends the marriage.

The longer that a problem goes on, the more likely it is that positive feelings and behaviors will erode and disappear. Couples therapy may be able to help you resolve the problems that you are experiencing.

A skilled and knowledgeable couples therapist can provide a safe haven to talk about the hardest of issues and can teach you the skills to be able to carry on those conversations at home.

Good marriage counselors do not want their couples to hang around forever. They want them to be able to be successful on their own.

Here are some good reasons to see a couples therapist.

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Our Thoughts About Saving Marriages

There is a lot of discussion among marriage counselors about the best way to work with couples. The question that is posed is “Is it better to try to save a marriage, except in cases of abuse or serious problems, or to help the couple to make that decision on their own?”

Certainly there are two sides to this discussion and it is important that therapists clarify for themselves and their clients, their answer to the question. While we certainly believe that each person in a marriage must make his or her own decision, we also believe that we want to do whatever we can to help couples work through problems in their relationship and save their marriage.

Too many people give up far too quickly. Too many couples let problems go on for too long and lose positive feelings about each other. Too many husbands and wives feel so hurt, betrayed or angry that they do not allow themselves to open up to the possibility that wounds can heal, spouses can and do change and forgiveness can happen. Many also find that they are able to fall back in love with their spouse after time and hard work.