Marriage Counseling: Can It Help?

Problems in your marriage?
Unhappy with where things are right now between you and your partner?
Wonder if couples therapy might make a difference?

What do you have to lose? Facing up to the situation and owning your part in it can be a step in the right direction.

Most couples wait a long time after a problem develops before they ever ask for help. Research shows that problems may go on for 6 years before a couple either asks for help or ends the marriage.

The longer that a problem goes on, the more likely it is that positive feelings and behaviors will erode and disappear. Couples therapy may be able to help you resolve the problems that you are experiencing.

A skilled and knowledgeable couples therapist can provide a safe haven to talk about the hardest of issues and can teach you the skills to be able to carry on those conversations at home.

Good marriage counselors do not want their couples to hang around forever. They want them to be able to be successful on their own.

Here are some good reasons to see a couples therapist.

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Therapy, Reading or Workshops?

Couples
Therapy, Reading or Workshops?

Therapy
Research shows that most couples wait 6-7 years after a problem begins to ask for help. Therapy works best for couples who are so “stuck” that they cannot get out of patterns on their own.
Therapy is also useful for couples in a crisis such as the discovery of infidelity and need a “calmer presence” with the skill and knowledge to help them negotiate the scary and tricky times.

Reading
Reading is great for enriching a relationship. Reading also can be helpful for couples who are just beginning to recognize that there is a problem and they want to make things better. This can even be helpful if one person is slightly more motivated than the other to take the leadership in making it happen.

There are several good books for couples to help them develop skills and knowledge to improve their marriage.

John Gottman, PhD, a researcher from the University of Seattle in Washington, has written several books that have useful exercises along with some easily understood explanations for the purpose of each exercise. Couples can read and go through the exercises together as a way of enhancing their relationship.

Some of the books to look for are:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (John Gottman and Nan Sliver, 2004)
Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies For Strengthening Your Relationship. (John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman and Joan Declaire, 2007)
The Relationship Cure: A Five Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships. (John Gottman, 2002)

Another book that is helpful if only one person wants to work on the marriage is:
Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7 - Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. (Michele Weiner-Davis, 2001).

Other books will be listed on our recommended reading list.

Workshops
Workshops and weekend retreats are excellent ways to build skills and knowledge for making marriages work. These provide opportunities for couples who are experiencing typical couple communication problems or want to enhance their relationship. These workshops are often offered through churches. Some are given in interesting and exotic places by national presenters. Whatever your budget, there should be an option available.

We also have experience conducting weekend workshops for couples. Contact us if you would like to explore the possibility of our presenting a workshop on healthy couple relationships for your group.

Retrovaille is also another option for couples who are experiencing significant problems in their marriage and would like to try this possibility. These retreats were started in the Catholic church, however other denominations are now sponsoring them. Retrovaille retreats are led by other couples who have experienced difficulties such as infidelity, alcoholism and other serious issues, and found their way back to a satisfying relationship.

Emotionally Intelligent Relationship

How Effective Are You In An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?

Circle your answer to the following questions.

1. I am able to remain calm when having a disagreement with my spouse.
Yes No
2. If I find myself starting to get upset when we disagree or he or she is talking with me about a problem, I can find a way to calm myself down, even if it means that I need to take a break.
Yes No
3. We have many more positive things happen in our daily lives, than negative ones.
Yes No
4. We can share struggles that we have with others without giving each other unsolicited advice.
Yes No
5. I feel respected and appreciated by my partner.
Yes No
6. Even though we disagree about the same things much of the time, we can still talk about those issues in respectful, caring ways.
Yes No
7. When I talk, my partner listens. When my partner talks, I listen.
Yes No
8. When we disagree, we find lots of ways to remind each other that a good relationship is more important than winning the argument.
Yes No
9. Our intimate and sexual life is satisfying for us both.
Yes No
10. I know my partners’ dreams and fears.
Yes No
11. We fill each other in on lots that happens in our lives.
Yes No
12. When we disagree, we do not automatically jump to negative thoughts about each other.
Yes No
13. We know how to laugh and have fun with each other and do so often.
Yes No
14. We frequently let each other know what we like and appreciate about each other and about our life together.
Yes No
15. We reserve special relationship time for ourselves on a regular basis.
Yes No

If you answered “yes” to 12 or more questions, congratulate yourself on knowing how to be a part of a healthy relationship.