Dating Advice: Questions to Ask as a Relationship Deepens

Should I stay in this dating relationship?

There are lots of things to consider before deciding whether or not you want to deepen a relationship.

While at this point in any relationship, you SHOULD NOT be ready to plan for marriage, even if you believe that you have found your soul mate; however, you do want to find out more about this person and whether or not he or she is capable of a healthy relationship.

You will want to assess for maturity and the ability to form an intimate partnership. You will want someone who can work through disagreements with you and someone who can be trusted.

Here are some to the questions to ask yourself.
* How does he or she handle anger?
* Can we have a disagreement about something?
* Can he/she stay in the discussion or come back later to talk it through?
* What is my gut telling me about this person and this relationship?
* Are there yellow or red flags here and, if so, are they familiar ones to me?

Write a list of the top 10 things that are important to you in a healthy dating relationship and keep that list close at hand. Ask yourself, does this relationship meet that criteria?

Here are some of the questions to ask your partner.
Questions about stability and maturity.
* About employment: How do you like your job?
* What are the positives and negatives?
* How long have you worked at this job?
* What made you decide to change?
* What is your ideal job?
* What would it take for you to get it?

Questions for emotional stability.
* How do you pick yourself up when you are down?
* How do you calm yourself down when you need to?

Questions about the ability to have an intimate relationship.
* About prior relationships: Tell me about other important romantic relationships in your life.
* How did they end?
* How did you heal from the ending?
* What did you learn about yourself from them?
* What did you learn about making choices in a relationship?

About friends and family: Tell me about your family.
If they are cut off from their family or only see them on a very limited plan, learn about
that and what makes their family toxic.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Dating Advice: Getting to Know More About You Questions

Important dating advice to remember is that it can help a lot to find out more about your new friend before deepening any connection and devoting more emotional energy and time to a new relationship.

Here are some suggestions for questions to ask a potential new partner in a dating relationship:

Getting to know about someone’s family can be a good indicator of his or her ability to be a healthy part of a relationship. This does NOT mean, of course, that someone who grew up in a difficult or abusive family cannot or has not

learned how to relate effectively. It may, however, help you evaluate whether or not to take the relationship past the introductory phase. (And for those of you with “rescuer” tattooed on your forehead, please examine this aspect carefully.)

When you are just getting to know someone, you must be respectful of their desire to talk, or not to talk, about private or personal matters. Choosing to wait before opening up can be a good sign about respecting boundaries so keep the questions light and playful and be sure to share some of the same information about yourself.

. Tell me about your family.
. Who are you closest to in your family?
. What are some of your favorite memories as a child?
. How did you celebrate holidays?
. What did you do for vacations?
. What would your parents say was the most daring thing that you did as a child?
. What did your family see as your strengths or things that you did really well?
. Was there any special role that you held in your family? Were you the peacemaker, the responsible one, the high achiever, the one who made everyone laugh?

As you listen to your friend's responses, do some "gut checks". Find some quiet time and a little distance to ask yourself these questions.

Questions to ask yourself in dating relationships.

. What is my “gut reaction” or what is my intuition telling me about this person?
. Are there any caution or red flags floating? If so, are they familiar ones for me in past relationships?
. How well does this person answer my list of the top 10 characteristics in a healthy relationship?

Have any other thoughts or ideas about this? We would love to see them in the comments section.

Counseling Relationships Online.com
Couples Counseling of Louisville.com

Dating Advice ... Questions for Couples: Getting to Know You

Dating Advice: “Getting to know you” questions for relationships

Dating is about having fun and getting to know different people. Many also have an “end goal” in mind, to find someone special with whom to develop an intimate, loving and eventually permanent relationship.

In dating, some think that they need to do a “sales job” to convince the other person that they are interesting, attractive and a good catch. Here is some very important dating advice. Dating should not about finding someone who likes you nearly as much as it should be about finding someone who is a good fit for YOU. This involves sharing about yourself but it also means finding out about the other person.

When you are just getting to know someone, it’s flattering to ask them a lot about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves so don’t pound them with questions but feel free to ask away as you get to know them.

Your main goal at the beginning stage of any relationship is to find out if you have enough in common to explore a friendship with the possibility of deepening the relationship.

Another piece of important dating advice is that you also want to have some idea of whether or not this person is someone that you can trust and with whom you want to spend your valuable time.

Certainly, questions are not the only way to get to know someone. Experiences and activities together can also give you lots of clues. In this article we just want to give you some ideas of things to talk about to start the ball rolling.

Dating Advice Questions
Here are some good “getting to know you” questions.

1. What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time?
2. When you have a wide open day in front of you, what do you like to do … schedule lots of different and interesting things or just leave it open and let it evolve?
3. Tell me about the music that you like and what makes you connect to that style and those
artists.
4. What would your friends say is your best quality?
5. Tell me about your job. What do you like most and least about it?
6. What makes you laugh?
7. Tell me about your favorite movie (or book) of all time and what makes you choose that one?

Check back here for more dating advice and questions for couples.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Starting a New Relationship

Questions about my part in the relationship, both the positive and the parts needing change

No relationship ends completely because of one person. Even if the choice was a bad one, part of the reason it got bad has to do with the dance between you and your partner. Carefully look at how you handled situations and ways that you treated your partner.

• What have I learned that I have done well in relationships?
• What have I learned that I need to do differently?
• Do I sabotage myself in relationships?
• Have I received any advice from a trusted source that might give me information about how to be a better partner in a relationship?

Questions to ask Yourself About Making Healthy Choices in a Partner

Ask yourself these questions about how you make choices in a partner.

Some people seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Choices are often made that are familiar and feel comfortable. When the choices are healthy ones, then the possibility of a good relationship is high. When choices in partners are negative ones, it is only a matter of time before the relationship develops problems.

• What have I learned about the choices that I make in partners?
• Do I seem to be picking the same kind of person or making the same mistakes over and over again when making a choice? (Do I often pick partners that are disrespectful? Distant? Have difficulty with affection? Abusive? Have addictive personalities?, etc.)
• Have I clearly identified what characteristics, qualities and values are important to me in a partner?
• Am I looking to find something in someone else that I don’t have in myself?
• Am I more concerned about whether or not the other person is right for me than if I am right for them?
• Do I know that I cannot change another person?

Are You Ready for a New Relationship? Questions to Help You Assess Your Readiness for a New Relationship

Take time, significant time and go slowly into any new relationship.

Often people think that the best way to heal from a broken heart is to get right back into a new relationship. That can be such a mistake. Entering a new relationship without first gaining distance, perspective and understanding is like trying to cover up a wound without cleaning it out first.

Lost relationships deserve to be grieved. Even if the choice was yours to end it, there is still the loss of the hopes and the dreams that must be faced.

While there is no clear formula for how much time to wait before beginning a new relationship, think in terms of months rather than weeks. Some experts suggest that you should wait a month for every year that you were in the relationship before jumping back into another one.

Thinking, journaling, talking out loud with a trusted friend or therapist will help you walk this walk in a way that will allow you to come out stronger, smarter and with more emotional intelligence.

Here are some suggestions for questions to journal, think and talk out loud about. Be sure to go through them several times. With distance, there can be new understanding.

Questions about the relationship that just ended.
Look to the relationship that has just ended for learning about yourself in a relationship. Understand, as well as you can, what you did well and what might help you choose and/or be a better partner in a new relationship.

These questions are good ones to ask yourself as a relationship is ending, several weeks after it is over and again several months later. Distance often brings new perspective.

* Why do I think that my last relationship ended?
* What would my partner say was the reason that the relationship did not work?
* Is there any pattern between the ending of this relationship and the ending of other relationships?
* Is this relationship truly over or is there unfinished business with that partner?
* How intense are my feelings for my former partner, both positive and negative?
* Have I accepted completely the end of the relationship and the hope that it will pick up again some day?
* Have I fully grieved the loss of that relationship?

Check back and check in to read more of our suggestions for questions to answer between relationships and before becoming involved again.

Part 2: The Stages of Dating

Stage 3: Becoming a Couple, “Enlightenment”

During this stage of a relationship, hormones are calming down and reality sets in. Couples often go “deeper” in their connection. Trust is stronger and more intimacies may be shared at this stage as couples take away some of their “best face” and allow themselves to act more naturally and relaxed.

Both halves of a couple will notice weaknesses and differences or flaws. “Cute” habits might become irritating at this stage. Some of those perpetual issues or differences such as free-spending or frugal, neat and orderly or sloppy and disorganized, interested in lots of time together or more involved in outside activities begin to emerge.

At this stage of the relationship, couples will take note of the differences and may even begin to complain or attempt to problem-solve.

As intimacy develops between the two people, more self-disclosure emerges, both verbally and non-verbally as couples act in ways that are more like how they are in their daily life.

This is when the big question emerges even more strongly: “Where are we headed?“ Women have a tendency to ask this question before men, even though both may be wondering about the answer to this question. Pushing for an answer; however, may cause real problems in the relationship. Each person needs to listen to their own inner voice and wisdom. It is important to talk over their thoughts and feelings with their partner while finding ways to keep from “pushing” for commitment.

There is no need to rush through this important stage and every reason to go slowly.

Stage 4: Commitment or Engagement

At this stage in a relationship, couples should have a good understanding of their partner’s values, life style, and goals for the future. There should be a relationship with your partner's family and friends.

Open and honest conversations should be happening as couples plan their present and future together. Questions about children, finances, careers, future goals and lifestyle should be discussed more fully. Differences are normal and couples will learn about themselves and their relationship as they note how they handle these differences with each other.

This is also an important stage for couples to use to evaluate the relationship and their ability to be part of an emotionally intelligent relationship. Engagements can be broken much more easily and can clearly be a better decision than a later divorce.

Stages of Dating

Dating relationships go show common patterns. At each stage during the dating process, each half of a couple often makes a decision (sometimes more thoughtfully arrived at than others) to move forward or to end the dating relationship.

Some dating stages take longer than others to go through and some people take much longer at each stage. Unfortunately, some people don’t fully experience and process each dating stage as an opportunity for personal growth or to make a healthy evaluation about the relationship or about themselves. Others are more open and aware to learn about themselves and their choices during each stage of the dating relationship.


Dating Stage 1: Initial Meeting/Attraction

Dating relationships have to start somewhere. The initial meeting may take place over the internet, through friends, in a church or social group, at a party or bar or any one of a myriad of many different places.

Different arenas for meeting potential dating partners allow for different opportunities to get to know each other and see if there is enough curiosity or interest to take it to the next level which would involve arranging a second or third meeting.

Dating Stage 2: Curiosity, Interest, and Infatuation

During the second stage of dating, attraction and infatuation are most pronounced.

Early attraction often involves the physical attributes of the partner and include things like outward appearance, body type, interests and personality traits. At this stage, the attraction may not be too “deep” and each half of a couple is generally putting his or her best foot forward. Differences are not noticed or are dismissed with thoughts like “not a big deal” or “she will change”.

Couples generally do not have much conflict at this stage of the cycle as each is really trying hard to impress the other person. Often (not always) during this stage of dating, there is not enough “is this the right person for me” but rather more “what can I do to make this person like me?”

This dating stage may last for 3 or 4 months depending on the individuals and their maturity, experience and self-understanding. Towards the end of this stage, and hopefully at other times throughout it, it is not unusual for questions of “is this the right person for me” to emerge. For women especially there may also be a desire to figure out where the relationship is headed.

Going slowly in making any decisions about a relationship are more likely to be better ones than moving quickly (unless it is clear that the relationship is not a good fit).

We will share Dating Stages 3 and 4 next week.

7 Secrets Women Should Know About Men

Men think that women are complicated … well, men can be even more complicated! If men could just be more like women life could be so much easier, at least some of the problems would not be there.

When a woman turns to a man and says “honey, we need to talk,” he would not immediately say … “whoops, meeting Bill at the bar to watch the game in 10 minutes. Maybe next month we can talk.”

Shopping would sure be a breeze as well. You could also count on a real opinion when you ask for a comment on your new dress or drapes.

Yes, we would miss a few things. Some things more than others. Women do have to spend a little time “figuring out their guy”. Here are a few secrets to share.

Click here to read the rest of the article and learn about the 7 secrets.

Dating Relationships and Women: 7 Tips for Successful Dating

Dating can be fun and it also can be scary. Who has it harder when it comes to the dating scene, men or women? Not a question that can be answered; however, for women, dating often requires a lot of patience, waiting and appearing to be available and friendly while also having a bit of mystery and intrigue.


Dating Relationships and Women: Never Married or Re-Entering the Dating Arena

Sometimes dating does feel like an arena … a boxing arena, sports arena or even a bullfighting arena! Dating relationships are challenging.

Women who have never married may have developed a style that works for them and a tougher skin that will help them survive the ending of a dating relationship. At times, skills can be well-developed but, more often than not, if there has not been a successful match after several years, a woman may need to rethink her approach to dating.

For those entering the dating scene after a divorce or the death of a spouse, self-confidence and knowledge of the art of dating are not high and women need a refresher course to learn to date again.

Women cannot be passive about dating and dating relationships. The right person will most likely NOT show up on her doorstep. The man who asks her out may NOT be a good choice. Dating is bound to be much more successful if women make a game plan about how to meet men who might be a good match and make choices from those who are compatible.

Click here to read the dating tips.

How DO Singles Meet Each Other?

A new way for singles to meet was profiled in the New York Times Sunday Styles section on July 4, 2010. This website, with a companion face book page, offers singles ideas, along with different opportunities, for meeting up.

Want to meet another single for a tarot card reading?
How about at a volleyball net?
Want to meet at a local museum?
How about swing dancing?
Interested in joining a local scuba club?

Sign up and meet other singles with the same interests and ideas. This website, howaboutwe.com, which launched first in New York City, has singles suggest activities by completing the phrase How about we…, and users are sent possible matches based on their activity preferences.

Get to know others who like to do some of the same things that you like to do in an easy and casual way.

Click here to read more about this idea.


Come back and share your comments and ideas with others. We would love to learn about your experiences.

10 Ways To Hurt A Woman’s Feelings, Or, What NOT To Do If You Want A Woman To Like You

1. Give her “constructive criticism” about her appearance. Even if you have a degree in fashion design or are a personal trainer, your ideas may not be welcomed.

2. Lie to her. This can include direct lies and omissions, the idea that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”.

3. Tell her that you think she might be emotional or “irrational” and suggest that she may be “hormonal”.

4. Be critical about her family or close friends or just let her know that you do not want to spend your time with them.

5. Ignore her when she is trying to talk with you. Continue with television, reading the paper, the computer or playing your game.

6. “Forget” important dates like her birthday, anniversary or even special memories of your time together. The way that you choose to mark it is less important than the fact that you remember and acknowledge in loving ways.

7. Interrupt her when she is talking, point out that she is talking too much or “correct” her.

8. Flirt with other women, especially right in front of her.

9. Spend more time with your friends than with her. Let her know, even if you do not say it directly, that your sports/buddies/work/time alone are more important ways to spend your time than with her. Check your calendar to make sure that you do not have “more important” things going on.

10. Roll your eyes, smirk; turn away or directly let her know that you do not value her ideas or comments.

Seven Ways To Let A Man Know That You Think He Is Important

1. Notice what he is doing that you like and find a way to let him know 2 things that you really like and appreciate about him every day.

2. Listen attentively to what he has to say and ask follow-up questions in a way that lets him know that you are interested in whatever it is that he wants or needs to talk about.

3. Brag about him to others, in his presence.

4. Be affectionate with him. This includes non-sexual touch as well as initiating sex. Hold his hand, give him a kiss, share a warm hug.

5. Ask for his opinion on things and respect what he says, even if you do not agree with it or decide not to use it. Men want to feel needed, not in an artificial way, but in a real way so look for things where you really could use his help and ask for it.

6. Make sure to begin the day and end the day with a special sign of affection for him. Take leadership in making it happen.

7. Do special things for him: fix his favorite meal and let him know that you are doing it because you care about him, buy his favorite drinks or snacks, rent a movie that you know he will like, buy him a little gift that shows that you have thought about him and what he likes.

Top Ten Ways To Make A Man Feel Bad About Himself

There are things that a woman can do to shame her man or make him feel bad about himself. Men, even though they may not openly show it, are vulnerable and have a fear of being hurt. They are not as emotionally “tough” as they might try to portray. Women are often surprised to discover this and men are not very quick to bring it to a woman’s attention.

Here are 10 things that women do that can lead to a man feeling bad about himself and, ultimately about her and about the relationship.

1. Flirt with someone else when he is around.
2. Make fun of him, especially when someone else is around.
3. Ignore him when he asks you a question.
4. Talk frequently and at length about all of the wonderful things about another man, like a guy at work, the man next door or one of his friends.
5. Turn your head when he tries to kiss you or refuse to hold his hand if he reaches out in a gentle and loving way.
6. Never ask about his day, his work or his activities.
7. Talk negatively about his mother or his best friend.
8. “Forget“ about a date, cancel at the last minute or just stand him up.
9. Poke fun, even in good humor, about some aspect of his physique.
10. Roll your eyes, sneer, or in any other ways, put down or make fun of what he says or how he expresses himself.

Next we will share the list of 10 things to make a man feel good about himself … besides avoiding these pitfalls.

Seven Common Dating Issues

Researcher John Gottman notes that all couples have perpetual issues. They argue or disagree about the same things over and over again. According to Gottman, many of these are not solvable even though certain aspects may be negotiated, compromised or decided amicably.

Here are some of the most common issues that we notice in couples who are dating. Clearly, the longer a couple dates and the more serious the relationship becomes, the more clearly the differences appear. Most of these are usually not enough to end a relationship. Couples, instead, need to learn and practice healthy and respectful ways to talk about them with each other.

1. Time together versus time apart. Often one person wants to spend a lot of time together and include each other in most activities while the other person feels a real need to maintain a sense of independence.

2. Relationships with friends of the opposite sex/jealousy. One half of a couple may want to remain friends or develop new friendships with others of the opposite sex stating and believing that they provide no threat to the relationship. Others believe that involvement with people of the opposite sex should always include the new partner. This can be especially difficult if there is a desire to remain friends with a former romantic partner.

3. Sex. There are often different levels of desire for sexual and physical contact.

4. Friends. Some feel that friends are a bad influence on a partner. This may be because they believe that these friends encourage “single kinds of behavior”, are just critical of the relationship partner or otherwise undermine the relationship.

5. Family. Some believe that family members interfere too much, are nosey or require too much time taken from the relationship.

6. Levels of intimacy. Women often want more verbal intimacy from men than men are comfortable with or see as important.

7. Future goals for the relationship, especially marriage and children. This can be one that ends a relationship. While we always encourage couples to take things slowly and not push for a decision about any of these issues, there are times when it is best to just let go of a relationship if these desires are very different.


Couples can chip away at many of these issues, for instance, they may agree on how much time to spend together on a specific weekend or how to reassure a partner that they are the only person in their lives that they care about in a romantic way tonight. With these perpetual issues, however, couples have to find lots of different ways to stay calm, caring and respectful as they share their different ideas, needs and feelings.

How Can I Build Trust In A Dating Relationship?

Question:
I have had bad luck with dating. The guys that I go out with either end up leaving me or have some problems like pot, alcohol or dating several at the same time but not letting me in on this. Trusting a new person is hard and yet I really want a new relationship. Can you give me some ideas about how to find someone that I can trust and when I can decide that it is okay to let down my guard.
Tara

Answer:
Congratulations to you, Tara, for recognizing that you want to go more slowly and be more careful before beginning a new romantic relationship. Dating is and should be about learning about yourself as much as it is about finding the right person for the rest of your life.

Think about these ideas when you are looking for a new romantic partner.

We tend to be drawn to the “familiar”, even if it is not necessarily healthy. Our radar seems to just “hone in” on partners who feel comfortable to us, even if the comfort level is not a good one. Hence, we may find ourselves drawn to “thrill-seekers” or engaging alcoholics or players because their behaviors remind us of other significant relationships with parents or former loves.

We have to find ways to get over one significant relationship before beginning a new one. Finding a new love is really not the best antidote to getting over an old one. Take time to mourn the loss and grieve the hopes and dreams for what might have been.

Take the time to do a “post mortem” about the relationship. Was this just about your “picker”? Or would you say that you did some things that you know that you want to do differently the next time around?

What about that picker? Have you chosen the same kind of person only with a little different look? Are you always with someone that you have to “fix” or take care of? Do you tend to choose men who are romantic and exciting but with no history of commitment?

What about your own half of the relationship? Are there things that you did with communication or with conflict that you know you need to do differently?

These are just some points to ponder. Please call or email us if you have comments or questions. We offer online counseling by phone and by email and would be glad to work with you in more detail about your specific situation.

Dating Advice: What Are Some Things I Should Look For In Choosing a Partner?

So, what are some of the things to count in and count out when looking for someone to date? Remember, in choosing someone with whom to partner, it is important not to look for someone who might want you; but rather, someone that you think can be a mature, healthy fit for you.


Maturity
Has your new interest been able to hold on to a job for a while, have healthy relationships with friends and family or be able to explain honestly some of his or her decisions about distance or disruption in a relationship? Is he or she able to be nurturing and supportive? Does he/she struggle with “old baggage”?

Values
While you may be of different political perspectives, can you respect the differences? Are they too large? Do you believe that your partner is honest and has integrity? What about spirituality? Is he/she a loyal person? Responsible? Trustworthy?

Money
Is your new interest able to handle money effectively? Is debt appropriate for his or her status? (Student loans are a lot different than a large credit card balance.) What do you notice about how he or she handles money when you are together?

Interests and Lifestyle
Do you have things in common? Like similar music interests? Activities? Hobbies? What about social activities, do you both enjoy generally the same level of activity with others? Does one of you really like to be out and about while the other is more of a “homebody”?

Education and Intelligence
Do you have similar educational backgrounds? Relationships work best when there is similarity although it certainly does not have to be equal. It is also best when intelligence is similar. It enhances conversation and interests.

Marriage
What does your interest think about marriage? What are his/her thoughts about roles for a husband and wife? What about children? If he/she could describe an ideal marriage, what would it be?

Appearance
While beauty is only skin deep, there are also some physical characteristics to consider. Certainly, physical attraction is one of the first things that you notice but, in the long run, some aspects may remain important. Is being “fit” important to you? Are neatness or stylish dressing important to you?