Take time, significant time and go slowly into any new relationship.
Often people think that the best way to heal from a broken heart is to get right back into a new relationship. That can be such a mistake. Entering a new relationship without first gaining distance, perspective and understanding is like trying to cover up a wound without cleaning it out first.
Lost relationships deserve to be grieved. Even if the choice was yours to end it, there is still the loss of the hopes and the dreams that must be faced.
While there is no clear formula for how much time to wait before beginning a new relationship, think in terms of months rather than weeks. Some experts suggest that you should wait a month for every year that you were in the relationship before jumping back into another one.
Thinking, journaling, talking out loud with a trusted friend or therapist will help you walk this walk in a way that will allow you to come out stronger, smarter and with more emotional intelligence.
Here are some suggestions for questions to journal, think and talk out loud about. Be sure to go through them several times. With distance, there can be new understanding.
Questions about the relationship that just ended.
Look to the relationship that has just ended for learning about yourself in a relationship. Understand, as well as you can, what you did well and what might help you choose and/or be a better partner in a new relationship.
These questions are good ones to ask yourself as a relationship is ending, several weeks after it is over and again several months later. Distance often brings new perspective.
* Why do I think that my last relationship ended?
* What would my partner say was the reason that the relationship did not work?
* Is there any pattern between the ending of this relationship and the ending of other relationships?
* Is this relationship truly over or is there unfinished business with that partner?
* How intense are my feelings for my former partner, both positive and negative?
* Have I accepted completely the end of the relationship and the hope that it will pick up again some day?
* Have I fully grieved the loss of that relationship?
Check back and check in to read more of our suggestions for questions to answer between relationships and before becoming involved again.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tip of the Week
Disagreements don’t have to turn into arguments. Find ways to repair damage to your relationship during discussions, even when you see things differently or want a different outcome.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Bad Marriages and Affairs
“Work is more important to him than I am. He works 60 hours a week, then heads to the gym and, finally, when he is home, he has a drink and then heads to bed. I needed love and knew he would never be available to me.”
"According to my wife, it would seem that I cannot do anything right. She is constantly nagging and complaining. I needed someone who would not treat me like that."
Do affairs cause bad marriages … or do bad marriages cause affairs?
All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.
While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.
There are many reasons why people have affairs.
Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.
When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.
Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.
Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.
Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared.
Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.
Those who have multiple affairs are different.
Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.
In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.
"According to my wife, it would seem that I cannot do anything right. She is constantly nagging and complaining. I needed someone who would not treat me like that."
Do affairs cause bad marriages … or do bad marriages cause affairs?
All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.
While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.
There are many reasons why people have affairs.
Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.
When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.
Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.
Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.
Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared.
Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.
Those who have multiple affairs are different.
Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.
In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tip of the Week
Everyone has complaints about their partner. If the complaint is bothersome enough to talk about, find a way to begin softly, maybe with a compliment or as a request of what you want rather than a compliant about what you don’t like.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Do You Have a Generous Marriage?
Recent research shows that generosity toward spouses is a significant factor in happy marriages.
Getting your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning, remembering her when you see
something she might like while surfing the net or making his favorite meal even though it is not on your “favorites list” are all ways that couples do things for each other. Generosity is going above and beyond the every day tasks. It involves a special way to think about a partner and go a little out of the way to show care and love.
This fits with John Gottman;s research. He found that there was a clear ratio of 5 positives for every one negative in healthy relationships.
The generosity also trickles down to children. Preliminary research showed that children whose parents were generous and caring were also more likely to be generous toward others.
Click here if you want to read more and take the test.
Getting your spouse a cup of coffee in the morning, remembering her when you see
something she might like while surfing the net or making his favorite meal even though it is not on your “favorites list” are all ways that couples do things for each other. Generosity is going above and beyond the every day tasks. It involves a special way to think about a partner and go a little out of the way to show care and love.
This fits with John Gottman;s research. He found that there was a clear ratio of 5 positives for every one negative in healthy relationships.
The generosity also trickles down to children. Preliminary research showed that children whose parents were generous and caring were also more likely to be generous toward others.
Click here if you want to read more and take the test.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tip of the Week, March 18, 2012
New patterns of thought can actually change the wiring in your brain. You cannot ignore the negative but can train your brain to focus on the good and the positive. When you notice something good happening, try to just focus on it for a few seconds. Notice what happens.
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