Tip of the Week, July 17, 2011

Why is it that people get married?

… Because we need a witness to our lives.
There are a billion people on the planet.
What does one life really mean?

But in a marriage, you are promising
To care about everything …
The good things, the bad things,
The terrible things … the mundane things.

All of it …
All of the time … every day.

You are saying …
“your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.”
“Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will witness it.”
**********************
From the movie “Shall We Dance”

Becoming a Couple: The Top 3 Perpetual Issues for Transitioning from Being Single to Being Half of a Couple

It can be a hard transition, moving from being single and independent, to being half of a couple. In my practice this week, I have seen 3 different couples who are struggling with just this issue, becoming a couple.

For the couples this week, the major challenge has been to decide what happens with relationships with former lovers. Many people today form close connections with those that they date. They often have a history together which usually precedes the current relationship. Sexual interest may no longer be present; however, the emotional connection with the former lover can feel threatening to the new partner.

When becoming a couple, making decisions together about how to shift loyalties (or in some cases, whether or not to even make that change) is often grounds for conflict. Those who are in the ongoing friendship may believe that it is harmless and innocent and often a very significant friendship. The other half of the new couple may be concerned that it will “blossom again” or he or she feels excluded and an outsider even if included in their activities.

In becoming a couple, it can be a struggle to determine how to build trust and reassure each other of commitment while, at the same time, not experiencing the losses of strong friendships.

This issue does become clearer with the stages of the couple relationship. When couples deepen their commitment from “seriously dating” to engaged to married, this decision becomes easier to make. One of the keys to success with this issue is to keep it from turning into a power struggle but to rather let it be the start of ongoing conversation.

Tip of the Week, July 3, 2011

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
~John F. Kennedy

Ask not what your relationship can do for you. Ask what you can do for your relationship.

Three Additional Ways to Repair Damage During Conflict with your Partner

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. When having a disagreement, think that maybe, just maybe, your partner may have an idea that he or she wants you to consider and is not out just to “get you” or be disagreeable.

Humor helps a lot. The more that you can laugh together or at yourself (not at your partner) the more likely it is that overall good feelings about each other and the relationship will keep you focused on a positive solution.

Stay positive in your conversation. Talk about what you like and want more of rather than what you do not like and want your partner to STOP doing or change.

Above all, keep in mind that the person you are disagreeing with is your life partner. He or she was, and hopefully still is, your best friend. Talk together in ways that show your respect and love.

Tip of the Week, June 26, 2011

Don’t expect that repeating the same attempted solution will get different results. For different results, do something different.

3 Ways to Repair Damage During Conflict

Here are three suggestions for ways to repair damage to a relationship during conflict.

Realize that there are many different ways to reach a solution and both of you can be right. There is rarely only one way to solve a problem. Entertain the idea that many different ideas need to be considered before settling on something that fits. Thinking of the conflict in this way invites you both to consider a bigger picture.

Recognize that different styles beget different ideas. Most often, neither is inherently wrong. Many partners have different approaches to issues like parenting, finances, sex and others. Respect each other’s ideas as valid even if different from your own.

Use lots of phrases to calm down the tension. Some phrases to consider are ones like:
“I love you and I want us to find a way to work together on this.”
“We have figured out ways to work through this before, I feel certain we can do it again.”
“I am starting to get upset and I know that this is not the best time to discuss a
difficult subject. How about if we take a break and talk again after dinner?”

A Healthy Relationship Is More Important Than Winning An Argument: Discover 6 Ways To Repair Damage During Conflict

Is it more important for you to protect your relationship than it is to win a fight?

Can you disagree without being disagreeable?

Are you able to keep the love showing while conflict is flowing?

If your answer is “yes” to all of these questions, then you may not need to read any further. If any of these presents a strain for you; however, there may be some useful tips here for you.

All couples disagree. According to researcher, Dr. John Gottman, it is usually about the same things over and over again. In fact, his research points out that about 2/3rds of all disagreements are usually about the same issues.

Some couples are masters at working through conflict and keeping a good relationship as their primary focus. They truly disagree without being disagreeable.

Couples who can find ways to repair any damage to the relationship while they are having a disagreement, or, as some might call it, a fight, have more than half of the battle won. It makes so much more sense to compromise with or acquiesce to someone that you like and with whom you have a good relationship.

For others, repairing damage during conlict requires learning new habits and skills.

In future posts, we will discuss 6 different ways for you to repair damage to your relationship while you are having an argument.