Holiday Rituals Are Gifts

When you think back on your childhood, what do you most remember … the gifts that you received or experiences that you had? For us, and probably for many of you, more emotion is around how your family celebrated holidays.

It is comforting to think about that in these times of financial stress, because rituals cost very little money and are so important in bonding families together and promoting healthy and positive feelings about each other and about this special time of the year.

Some of the rituals we have heard about recently involve family outings to pick out the Christmas tree, special food, drinks and music, baking for neighbors, midnight religious ceremonies, caroling in neighborhoods.

One of our favorites involves “train night”. We invite all of the grandchildren to spend the night, get out John’s childhood train and put it up. One of the grandchildren gets to go with Papa John to pick out a new accessory for the train every year. We have popcorn and hot chocolate while John reads The Polar Express and the next morning we all walk to the candy store to pick out special treats. The children make sure that we maintain the same routine and look forward to it every year.

Please share some of your rituals with us.

Lonely, Single and Facing the Holidays

Are you facing the holidays alone? Many say that they are okay with their “singleness” most of the year but the holidays are really tough. You want someone to go with you to parties, shopping, to share presents, religious and family celebrations. Doing these things alone, especially in the company of others who seem happily mated can be really difficult and remind you even more that you are not “coupled”.

It is extremely hard if this is a “first” for you. The first one after the end of a relationship, especially after a death or a divorce, is so very hard. Thoughts and feelings from memories of past holidays together feel overwhelming at times and it may seem hard to get through each day, sometimes each hour. It gets easier as time passes although some say it never really gets easy.

Here are some suggestions for helping you to ease this time.

Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself a Christmas present and special holiday food. Think of ways to celebrate the goodness of you.

Go easy and have realistic expectations. Don’t expect “glorious” holidays, rather look for ones of peace.

Acknowledge your feelings of sadness and loneliness. Recognize that it is natural to want to share this time of year with someone special. Journal about it or talk it over with a friend and then find a way to let it go. Focus on something or someone else. Do not let yourself travel too far down the path of unhappiness, rather head it off at the pass. Rarely is there anything good that comes from thinking too much or letting these thoughts overwhelm you.

Do something for another person. This can be anything from volunteering to help out in a shelter to baking cookies for neighbors. Reaching out to others, often ones in a more difficult situation than your own, can help put your own loneliness in perspective.

Write a list of the good things about you and happening in your life right now. What do you do well? Who are your friends? What are your strengths? What would others say that they most like about you? Make copies of this list and keep it near by so that you can reach for it whenever you need to bring yourself back to a happier place.

Make plans. If you do not have a lot of people to keep you busy … or money to cover costs, find ways to attend events at the library, show up at a church, walk in the neighborhood where you might see other people. Get out of your home and be active. We have a friend who has organized an “Orphans’ Christmas”. She invites others that she knows are alone for the holidays. They all bring a small gift to open and exchange and share a meal. This tradition is now 12 years old and she has requests from others who hear about it and want to join the group.

Remind yourself that this time does not last forever. January 1 will come and life will return to a more normal place. You have gotten through tougher times in your life. You can and will get through this as well.

After Parents Die Relationships With Siblings Change ... And So Do Holidays

Many adults are often surprised at how their relationship with siblings changes after parents die. Family traditions stop or change and many siblings find that they feel less connection to their brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. Parents are often the glue that hold family traditions, communication and the memories of childhood together and when they are gone, so often go the opportunities for gathering. You can never “go home” for holidays.

Add to this the fact that there are so often disappointments, hurts and misunderstandings as family members divide up the parents’ estate and it is no wonder that the family that once was, changes into something very different. The recognition of this often brings about a new phase of grieving for adults and can come as quite a surprise for many.

Many adults are surprised by how hard it is to lose a parent and some even report feeling like an orphan. Finding a way through new relationships with their extended family, often trying to let go of some of the childhood roles and feelings and developing new adult relationships and rituals requires patience, persistence, forgiveness, love and a desire to continue with the family’s legacy.

Changes In The Holidays

So … how can you accept the changes, maintain some of the old rituals and develop new ones? One of the first questions to ponder is … Are you the only one interested? Sometimes that is the case, especially after a few years and both parents have been gone for a while, and children and grandchildren have grown and moved away.

Some people do not desire to continue with old patterns and are glad to interrupt the connection with sisters and brothers with whom they had a great deal of conflict or generally poor relationship or for whom the visits home provided more stress than happiness.

Some families maintain close ties and find the connection very comforting. Traditions carry on in many of the same ways and the family finds ways to honor their parents even after they are gone. One family that I know makes sure to have some of the same foods that their mother made, making sure to have her red velvet cake and a special country ham shipped in from their mother’s home town, even if they celebrate the holiday a few days before or after the actual date of the holiday. They continue to vacation together in some of the same places and the group just grows to incorporate the new members.

Other families, ones who are not as emotionally connected or live out of town and no longer have a “home base’, find that it is more difficult to stay connected and may only have occasional phone or email contacts … and irregular family reunions. Many express a feeling of loss and sadness at the changes and are often disappointed not to be able to share their family traditions with their own children.

However your family’s pattern develops, it is important to be prepared for changes, anticipate feelings of loss … and possibly even some relief. Have conversations with those in your family that want to be connected and talk with them about how to plan family connection and tradition with the new generation at the head.