Resolving Family Tension After Parents Die

Question: Do all families have tension and disagreements after their parents die? My sisters and brother and I have always gotten along; however, since my parents’ death, we have grown apart and two of them are no longer speaking. There are 4 of us and we are all in our late 50’s and early 60’s. Seems like some of them are acting like children again. What can I do to help?

Response: It is not unusual for families to develop tension after parents die. Often the tension develops as plans are made for funerals and memorial services or the parents’ household is distributed. Old feelings of jealousy and hurt can emerge as some take charge and others respond or react. Many people are not good at resolving conflict, asking for what they want or need or even disagreeing. Other people, often the oldest child, take charge and that can cause resentment. One recent study found that dividing the parents property caused the most tension because so much holds sentimental value and desires for and losses of “special” things from wedding rings to family photos to Dad’s favorite chair can cause tension, hurt and angry feelings.

When the tension emerges after the death, try to talk as a group about a safe and fair way to divide the property. There are lots of different and creative ways to help this to happen from selling everything and dividing the profits to drawing numbers and going through the house one room at a time, choosing an article based on each person’s number. The main thing is to have a group decision about the process. If everyone is involved in that decision, things will go much more smoothly.

If there has been some time since your parents’ death and the lingering tension remains because of how things were handled after the death … or before with care for the parents and/or end of life decisions, it can be harder. As a family member who is interested in seeing change, look for one or more of your sisters or your brother who might share your feelings. Begin conversations with each other and then with those who are still hurting, about their struggle and listen with empathy and concern, even if you do not agree with them. Don’t try to “talk sense” but see if they can feel as if their ideas were appreciated. Begin to talk about some process of contact, even if it is limited. That may not happen; however, if you are patient and go slowly, sometimes this can change. Losing parents, even when you have been an adult for a long time, can be very difficult. Grieving and resolving the loss takes time. When this is complicated by feelings of old childhood hurts or wounds, it can take even longer.

Find ways to keep yourself out of the middle in this. You are not a mediator or a therapist. Do what you can to keep a relationship with all of your siblings and model love, respect and healthy communication.

After Parents Die Relationships With Siblings Change ... And So Do Holidays

Many adults are often surprised at how their relationship with siblings changes after parents die. Family traditions stop or change and many siblings find that they feel less connection to their brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. Parents are often the glue that hold family traditions, communication and the memories of childhood together and when they are gone, so often go the opportunities for gathering. You can never “go home” for holidays.

Add to this the fact that there are so often disappointments, hurts and misunderstandings as family members divide up the parents’ estate and it is no wonder that the family that once was, changes into something very different. The recognition of this often brings about a new phase of grieving for adults and can come as quite a surprise for many.

Many adults are surprised by how hard it is to lose a parent and some even report feeling like an orphan. Finding a way through new relationships with their extended family, often trying to let go of some of the childhood roles and feelings and developing new adult relationships and rituals requires patience, persistence, forgiveness, love and a desire to continue with the family’s legacy.

Changes In The Holidays

So … how can you accept the changes, maintain some of the old rituals and develop new ones? One of the first questions to ponder is … Are you the only one interested? Sometimes that is the case, especially after a few years and both parents have been gone for a while, and children and grandchildren have grown and moved away.

Some people do not desire to continue with old patterns and are glad to interrupt the connection with sisters and brothers with whom they had a great deal of conflict or generally poor relationship or for whom the visits home provided more stress than happiness.

Some families maintain close ties and find the connection very comforting. Traditions carry on in many of the same ways and the family finds ways to honor their parents even after they are gone. One family that I know makes sure to have some of the same foods that their mother made, making sure to have her red velvet cake and a special country ham shipped in from their mother’s home town, even if they celebrate the holiday a few days before or after the actual date of the holiday. They continue to vacation together in some of the same places and the group just grows to incorporate the new members.

Other families, ones who are not as emotionally connected or live out of town and no longer have a “home base’, find that it is more difficult to stay connected and may only have occasional phone or email contacts … and irregular family reunions. Many express a feeling of loss and sadness at the changes and are often disappointed not to be able to share their family traditions with their own children.

However your family’s pattern develops, it is important to be prepared for changes, anticipate feelings of loss … and possibly even some relief. Have conversations with those in your family that want to be connected and talk with them about how to plan family connection and tradition with the new generation at the head.