Five Ways to Avoid Divorce

Here are some strategies that you can do to avoid divorce. It is, of course, best if both halves of a couple are working in the same direction; however, one person can make a change on their own and take steps to avoid divorce.

1. Take responsibility for being a good partner.
You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. If you change, your spouse will change in response. Hang in there as it may take a while to see the change you would like to see and avoid divorce.

2. Communicate!
No one can read your mind. Even if you feel like you have said it many times, say it, lovingly, again.
If you are pleased and happy, be sure to talk about that. (A great way to avoid divorce.) If you are hurt, disappointed or angry, you probably need to talk about that as well. Holding negative feelings and thoughts or trying to sweep them away, is generally not healthy for a relationship. It is also entirely possible that you might also be wrong.

3. Try new things. Have new experiences. Go on new walks. Check out different restaurants. Create interest rather than the boring same old, same old.

4. Learn how to disagree and resolve conflict.
This can be one of the hardest things for couples to learn in order to avoid divorce. All couples disagree. It is destructive to argue as well as to walk away from figuring out differences. Resolving conflict is a skill that can be learned.

5. Get help.
It is a sign of strength, rather than weakness, to ask for help with your relationship. Be careful who you ask; however, as friends or family may only hear your side of the situation and agree with you. This is generally not a good idea. Look for mentoring couples, people in healthy relationships and credible marriage and relationship counselors.

Tip of the Week

In the pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Way,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.
Lao-tzu

Resolving Conflict

So many of the couples that I see every week in my practice have a great deal of difficulty talking about differences and resolving conflict.

Some of the time, it is because it is hard to figure out how to talk about differences. Other times, it is because their partner is unwilling or unable to hang in with the conversation until they reach a place of resolving conflict.

Just this week, I have met with 3 couples where husbands have had an affair. In all three of those cases, the husbands were unhappy in their marriage and had serious concerns but chose to talk with a woman other their wife about their unhappiness. What a bad decision!

Each man blamed his wife for the problems in opening up and resolving conflict. Not one of them recognized his part in the decision to avoid conflict and turn, instead, to another woman.

Failure to resolve conflict leads to distance, disappointment and unhappiness in relationships. Men and women have to find ways to do their part in resolving conflict.

We have written several articles about resolving conflict on our website, CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com. Click here to read more about how you can become a better half of a partnership in resolving conflict.

Small Talk: The Art of Keeping the Conversation Going

Conversational skills are important in any relationship. In many good relationships they are easy and fluid; however, for many, especially in new relationships, they can be tough. Some people are clearly better than others; however, here are 5 tips to help with conversations.

1. Show genuine interest in the other person.

Almost everyone feels flattered if you seem interested in what is going on with them … in their job, in their day, in their family, etc.

2. Share something about yourself, especially anything that you may have in common.
It is good to establish any commonality. Look for ones that might fit and start a conversation about it. Some ideas may come to you because of the setting you are in. Others may take a bit of exploring. Exploring can be fun!

3. It is okay to talk about the weather.
Talking about simple subjects like the weather are great ice breakers. You can carry this forward with follow-up questions like “What is your favorite time of the year?” “What would you be doing today if anything were possible?”

4. Ask advice.
You don’t want to ask doctors medical advice or lawyers for legal advice .. or therapists for personal advice in social settings but it is good to ask for advice about things that you both might have in common like ”How did you decide what you wanted to do in your life?” or “What are your favorite travel spots?”

5. Have one or two topics that you know something about … current events, movies or television shows, the latest technology and, if it seems to interest your conversation partner, share a little of your thoughts and opinions.

Tip of the Week

At this holiday time, remember, lower expectations lead to a higher sense of peace.

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON ... ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS

KEEP CALM
and
CARRY ON

ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS



Here are 5 tips to help you KEEP CALM and CARRY ON so that you can ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.

It’s all in the attitude
The more that you think your way to remaining calm, the more likely it is that will happen. Much of stress is in the way that you think about it. Remember that there is a reason for the season. Keep that reason in the forefront of your mind. Enjoy your family, friends and rituals.

Planning makes a huge difference
Because this is such a stress filled time of year, it is not a time to “fly by the seat of your pants”. Rather, have a plan. Make lists. Decide what is manageable for each day and try to keep within that plan. You do not have to do it all. Life will go on if everything is not decorated perfectly or the “right” gift is not under the tree. Your enjoyment of life is far more important to you and your loved ones than a purchase or another light in the yard.

Delegation
Reduce holiday stress by remembering that everything does not have to be on your list. Ask for help. Give others duties. Have pot lucks rather than fixing all of the food yourself. Work with your neighbors to help each other out. Working together can be a whole more fun and far less stressful than handling it all alone.

Deep breath
Do you know some deep breathing or meditation techniques? If not, this might be the time to learn them. You can use a simple app on your phone, practice 3 slow deep breaths in and out 3 times a day and whenever you are in stress or give yourself an early gift and take a class in meditation. More and more research is showing the benefits of meditation and mindfulness for physical and mental health.

Eat, sleep, pray, love
Take care of yourself in all ways.

Tip of the Week

"When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff."
Pat Love