Grandmothers of a Son’s Children … Often a Difficult Role

One of the list serves that we receive regularly, www.smartmarriages.com, had recent comments by a woman who is very sad because she felt left out in the cold in regard to her son’s children. She said that she felt less like a grandmother and more like a step-grandmother. She said that she was embarrassed to admit this until she started talking with friends in her own age group and found that this is a very common problem. Interestingly, this was supported by talking with women who had both daughters and sons. All agreed that they were much closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s children. As the women continued talking about this situation, they also all agreed that they felt closer to their mother’s mother than to their father’s mother.

Each of the women talked about ways that they tried to stay connected to the grandchildren … cards, gifts, visits, phone calls … and, while many had decent relationships with their daughters-in-law, they all acknowledged that they felt that the message was clear that their own mothers (the daughter’s-in-law), would be given preferential connection, even when they were not close to their own mothers before the children were born. They also decided that it would only make things worse if they tried to talk with their children about it .. Better to just find ways to stay connected with the family.

Most of the women also agreed that they had not realized this pattern until several years after the children’s birth, when the differences became clear. Try as they might, these women could not think of any way to change the pattern but did acknowledge that it helped to talk about it, know that others shared the same experience and learn to laugh about it. This helped them to be less angry at their sons and daughters-in-law … as well as the OTHER grandmother.

Are there others out there who also have had this experience … or may a very different one? Share what you have learned on this blog.

johneturner@insightbb.com
Sally_Connolly@insightbb.com

Family Distance During the Holidays

We have been hearing from lots of clients … and friends … about struggles that they are having as they have become emotionally distant from family. The distance has arisen from conflict or misunderstandings and involves parents separated from their children and grandchildren, siblings who will not attend holiday gatherings if other family members are there and recently separated spouses who are terribly sad that they will not be with in-laws and extended family this year.

This is so disappointing and sad for many involved … especially those who have access to feelings other than anger and self-righteousness. One of the most important things to do is to acknowledge that this would be hard for you … for anyone in your situation. Allow yourself some time to grieve and feel sad, and then also to put aside, as best you can, those normal feelings and engage yourself with others who care for you. Try not to pursue the ones that you are missing, while also looking for ways to keep the door open to mend the rupture. Find ways to be useful, caring and loving to others at this holiday time as a way of taking some of the focus off of your own sadness.

Are there ideas that you can share with us … and others, about how to care for yourself during this difficult time?

Holidays provide times for connection with multiple generations

Holidays provide times for connection with multiple generations. Grandparents have the opportunity to share some of the family history with their grandchildren. This is a wonderful time to get out family holiday photos, play games that parents and grandparents played as children, for grandparents to share stories of their Christmases “long ago” and to make traditional holiday treats. Some families have food that they only prepare at holiday times … egg nog, a special cookie or coffee cake, or an ethnic dish from the oldest generation’s heritage. Use this time to enrich family connection, even if you do not see as much of each other through the year as you would like.

Consider finding ways to include family members that live away and will not be home for the holidays. Send old photos in ornaments, wrap up an old childhood memento, journal in a grandparent’s book. Creatively think about ways to stay connected with each other.

The Richardsons pass the same holiday cards back and forth to each other every year, adding a short note about their lives. It has become a record of family events for 23 years now. Elaine and her sister have one silver holiday ball that they pass back and forth every year. This ball is the kind in which you put some small gift. Each tries to find something different and unique … and it is a nice tradition to show that they care about each other.

George and Jill send their grandchildren photos taken over the year of them all together. Their mother helps them to keep them in a book so that they have a record of history with their grandparents.

Have you found ideas to stay connected with your family that you can share with us here?

Grandparents and Grandchildren

Today’s grandparents tend to act younger, often are still working and have developed active life styles that include travel, volunteer, sport and social activities. Their contact with grandchildren is often very different than that of previous generations. Today’s society is also much more mobile than in the past so that extended families often live some distance from each other. Nevertheless, grandparents can be very important people in a child’s life.

Rituals
One way for grandparents to make an important contribution in a child’s life is to develop rituals of contact that allow the relationship to develop. These rituals may be weekly, monthly or even annually. One family has a “train night” where the children come every year and put up the grandfather’s childhood train. There are specific activities that surround this train night … it always happens at Christmas, there is always hot chocolate and popcorn while reading “The Polar Express” … spending the night and a morning walk to the candy shop.

Another grandparent invites all of the granddaughters for a tea party every year. Each is allowed to bring one friend. They play dress-up and gather for tea and cookies and some “high society” conversation.

Stories
Children love to hear stories about times when their parents were young … what they liked as children, how their parents met, how the grandparents met, what the grandparents life was like as a child. Children also like to hear stories about themselves and memories that grandparents have about them. A nice way to reminisce is to watch … and make … videos and photographs together.

One-On-One Time
All children like a time that is just their own special time, whether it is a night when that child is allowed to sleepover at the grandparents’ home or have a special outing or just a visit, it can be very special. Just listening to their conversation helps them to feel special and appreciated.
One woman told me that she grew up in a very neglectful home. What gave her self-confidence and the ability to believe in herself was her grandmother. She especially remembers a beauty kit that her grandmother bought for her when she was 10. The grandmother told the child that she was lovely inside and out … and this was to help her find ways to feel even better about how she looked.

Please visit our blog and add some of your ideas about how to be involved

Grandparenting from a distance

John and I had one of our children move to Hawaii a few years ago. While we made ourselves visit once a year, we also wanted to find ways to remain connected to our young grandson, Josh. When we visited, we made sure to repeat some of our regular rituals with him, like getting out John’s childhood train and putting it up at Christmas. (We substituted a different one, of course.) We also had special “bonding” time alone with Josh as well as with his parents. We invited Josh to spend a few nights with us at a nearby hotel. We had great fun swimming, walking along the beach and eating meals together … a little “appropriate” grandparent spoiling. We often tried to incorporate a special holiday during a visit … and we took lots of pictures that we gave him, framed and sent in later notes.

We, of course, read lots to and with Josh and after returning from one of our visits we bought a story book and began reading nightly tales for him on a tape. We sent them to Josh so that he could go to sleep at night … or for his naps, while listening to us reading a story. His mother said that he loved hearing us read to him … and talked about it a lot.

We would be interested in comments from other grandparents about how they kept in touch with their grandchildren from a distance.