Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

Most couples find that their dance around a disagreement seems to have the same steps over and over again. It starts out the same way and often ends the same way with one or both partners feeling hurt, disappointed, discounted or angry,

Sharon and Bill fought a lot about money, children and household chores. The disagreements always began with Sharon’s request in what she thought was a friendly tone but Bill heard as a nagging tone. Bill’s response was generally a defensive one, complaining about her tone or the fact that she was always nagging him. Bill then often withdrew by leaving the house or turning on the television and Sharon became more angry, often following after him in an attempt to talk about the problem or come up with a solution.

Andy and Sue had a different dance. One of the frequent issues for them was intimacy. Sue was more interested in intimacy and sex than Andy. She would light candles, send text messages, schedule dates, only to find that Andy was not interested, busy, too tired or would say that he just did not feel “in the mood”. Sue would then feel hurt and disappointed and then angry.

If Sharon and Bill and Andy and Sue want to find a way to change this dance, they each have to find ways to recognize their own steps and change them.

For most people, it is hard to recognize your own “mistakes” and find new steps to the dance, and yet, that is the quickest way to resolution. It is much better to find ways to change yourself rather than trying to change another person. When one person changes, others do change in response.

Pay attention to your own last argument with your partner. Can you describe your “dance”? What about your own steps? Do you find that you are trying the same thing over and over again ? Are you getting the same results? It may be time to try something different.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your step might be … or a different way to dance, contact us at Counseling Relationships Online. We provide in-person and on-line therapy to help couples understand their dance and change their steps.

She just doesn't "get" me ...

Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.

Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.

Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.

Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”

You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.

Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.

If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.

If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.

A Stalemate Story

A friend, Susan, recently told me a story about herself and her husband, Tom. She said that Tom got up early every morning and plugged in the coffee pot. After his shower, he would pour a cup for himself and then come back to the bedroom to finish dressing as Susan was getting out of bed. Susan was hurt … and angry that Tom never poured a cup for her and brought it back with him. Tom thought that Susan was just being lazy … after all, she could easily walk the few steps to the kitchen and pour her own coffee. Both thought that the other one was really being ridiculous about this … and it was amazing how angry each became when they talked about this subject. Sometimes it ruined a whole day for them.

One night, Tom and Susan were walking together around the neighborhood and Susan brought up their constant fight about morning coffee. She started out by saying that she did not want to start a fight; rather she just wanted Tom to know how she was feeling about the morning coffee. She told him that that small act of bringing her coffee would mean so much more to her than the coffee. She knew, of course, that it would be easy for her to get it for herself, however, his simple act of bringing it to her was something that said to her that she was special to him … special enough to think about her and do something kind because he loved her. Tom said that now he never forgets to pour Susan a cup of coffee when he pours his own.

Stalemates in Conflict

Sometimes couples get stuck around a specific issue and neither one is willing to budge. Even trying all of the “fighting fair” suggestions seems to lead nowhere. The stalemate may be around a big issue such as whether or not to have children, making a big purchase, where to live. It may also be about a smaller issue that seems to go round and round with little change such as who takes out the garbage or does the dishes. Each person feels misunderstood, disappointed and even angry. The fighting escalates and often turns in to criticism, nagging, defensiveness and may become hurtful.

Some suggestions:
1. Find a time to talk when you are both calm.
2. Try to have the discussion in a different place, like at a restaurant or outside on the deck.
3. Reach for compromise. If there is anything that you can offer that might feel like a compromise for your spouse, be sure to offer it.
4. Think about what the “must haves” parts of the issue are for you … and what are the things that less important.
5. Get a clear understanding from your partner about what her side is all about. Find out why this position is so important. What does it mean to him in his life? Be sure to get the full picture. Listen to your spouse and try to let her know that you really do understand why this position is so important to her. Tell yourself that you want to really understand the other side completely … and make sure that your partner feels that you really do understand (even if you do not agree) before sharing your ideas. It is often from a truly deep understanding that people are able to move closer to each other.

Tips for Resolving Conflict

1. Begin your concern or complaint in a positive way. This may involve saying things like “I really liked it when you helped me with the housework yesterday. I would love it if we could do more of our chores as a team.” or “I felt very hurt when you talked badly about me to your parents and I need you to only say good or neutral things about me.”
2. Be clear, specific, and, if possible, make a request for a change that you would like.
3. Try to understand what is important to your partner in this disagreement. It is easy to quickly become defensive. Try to stay calm and ask enough questions of your partner to understand what is being asked or what their opinion is about the subject at hand. Ask him/her to express the main issues. It can be hard to address a problem if you do not know what the issue really is, and why it is a problem for someone. Find a way to pursue the concern and understand the other perspective while trying not to be thinking inside your head about your own side to the discussion.
4. Above all, address your partner in respectful terms and with a respectful tone. Refrain from any verbal or non-verbal (rolling your eyes, smirking, etc.) actions that will convey disrespect for the other person. You do not have to agree with your spouse, you just have to respect that they are a person with a thought or idea that is different than your own.
5. If you or your partner starts to get upset, take a break and come back to the concern. When people begin to get upset, they become emotionally flooded and then generally cannot talk in productive ways. It is better to take a break at that point … a time out … and later revisit the concern, if it is important, and try to talk about it then.
6. Find ways to repair and damage that occurs while disagreeing. The health of the relationship is more important than winning the argument. Gestures like kisses, hand-holding, love pats, humor, brief distractions, statements like “I love you” and “I know we disagree, but I do not want this to come between us” can make the discussion much easier on the relationship. If the relationship is suffering during the discussion, take a time out. If the issue is an important one, make sure to find a way to connect later to talk further.
7. Look for lots of opportunities to make deposits into the positive feelings in the relationship so that a disagreement does not spoil the day and there are so many good feelings about each other and your life together, you get through this easily.

Conflict Resolution

Disagreement is normal in any relationship. How you handle the disagreement, however, can provide a key to understanding whether or not a marriage will survive.

Are you someone, or married to someone, who has a conflict avoidant style of relating? What about someone who is highly conflictual or volatile? Are you, or your significant other, a person who likes to work out little details and make the sanctity of the friendship the most important feature? Researcher John Gottman (www.Gottman.com) notes that the most difficult relationships are when there are two different styles of relating, that is if someone whose style of relating is conflict avoidant is married to someone whose style tends more toward the volatile style. When partners handle disagreements in different ways, it can be frustrating and destructive to their relationship.

In addition, Gottman noted that most couples disagree about the same things over and over again, approximately two-thirds of a couples’ disagreements are over the same things. If you were not married to your partner and were with someone else, you might not disagree about the same things … but you would have some “perpetual issues.” Gottman lists 25 different issues, from “The Big 4”: children, sex, money and in-laws to issues such as how much time to spend together, neatness and orderliness or timeliness. So, you may not be able to come to an agreement on how to handle all of the family money, however, you might be able to find ways to calmly talk about how to handle this bill or the next paycheck.

There are a few very common blocks to healthy communication and conflict resolution, among them are starting with criticism, being disrespectful and derogatory in looks and comments, escalating to fighting and arguing and leaving and refusing to discuss the issue or stonewalling. Also important are a lack of understanding of your partner’s viewpoint (not agreeing with them) and some sense of what it is about their viewpoint that is important to them.