1. Have regular State of the Marriage discussions. Talk about what is good that you want to make sure to continue as well as the hopes, needs or dreams that you have that might make it better.
2. Treat each other in the ways that you want to be treated yourself. Even if your spouse is having a rough day or has “forgotten” to be nice, continue to be kind and gentle and wait for it to come back to you.
3. Do not “sweep things under the rug”. If there are things that are bothering you in the marriage, or disagreements that you have with your spouse, think about them carefully. Decide if they truly are small things and ones that you can really let go of, then do so. If not, talk out loud with your spouse (not others) about your thoughts and feelings.
4. Try to see disagreements in each other’s eyes.
5. Say “I love you” in different ways every day, with words, your eyes and your actions. Show clear signs of physical affection.
6. Have time for fun. Be sure to laugh and play together on a regular basis.
7. Respect your partner and his or her ideas. You do not have to agree with them in order to respect them. Listen carefully to her/his thoughts and feelings, even if they feel unfair to you. You will have time to express you thoughts and feelings later as well.
8. Have a date every week, even if you never leave home.
9. Find ways to talk every day. Check in with each other about what is happening in your lives. Look for new and different facts about your spouse’s day.
10. Say at least one positive or appreciative thing about your partner every day.
Showing posts with label couple skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label couple skills. Show all posts
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
She just doesn't "get" me ...
Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.
Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.
Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.
Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”
You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.
Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.
If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.
If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.
Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.
Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.
Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”
You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.
Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.
If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.
If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.
Friday, February 15, 2008
How Can I Get Him To Talk To Me?
So many women would love to hear more from their men … about their day, about their friendships, about their hopes and dreams and about what is bothering them. Often men are just not as verbal as women … so what is a woman to do?
Here are some tips to try.
* See this as a long-term project, not necessarily something that will happen quickly. Notice and appreciate each small step.
* Focus a great deal on his positives and the positives of the relationship. A lot of men say that they do not talk because they fear criticism. After you have created an atmosphere of positively, men are more likely to open up.
* Share a little bit about yourself. Talk about your day, your struggles, your dreams … and then just be quiet. Some people … often men … formulate what they are going to say in their head before saying it out loud. Give him time to do that.
* Ask simple questions like “Anything interesting happen at work today?” or “How was the boss today? Give anyone a hard time?” The questions should be ones that would not be too loaded. Ask only one or two questions, not a lot … and just be quiet to give him a chance to respond.
* Think about this … while more people feel better about talking about what bothers them, some feel worse. Your man just may be one of them. Let him lead the way.
* Look for times around an activity to begin the conversation … on a walk, driving in the car without the children, sitting at the table over coffee after dinner … or invite him to join you for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop.
* When he does talk, do not offer advice or comments, just listen …and ask questions to get a better understanding.
* Let him know that you enjoyed hearing about his day, that it really helps you to know and love him even more.
Here are some tips to try.
* See this as a long-term project, not necessarily something that will happen quickly. Notice and appreciate each small step.
* Focus a great deal on his positives and the positives of the relationship. A lot of men say that they do not talk because they fear criticism. After you have created an atmosphere of positively, men are more likely to open up.
* Share a little bit about yourself. Talk about your day, your struggles, your dreams … and then just be quiet. Some people … often men … formulate what they are going to say in their head before saying it out loud. Give him time to do that.
* Ask simple questions like “Anything interesting happen at work today?” or “How was the boss today? Give anyone a hard time?” The questions should be ones that would not be too loaded. Ask only one or two questions, not a lot … and just be quiet to give him a chance to respond.
* Think about this … while more people feel better about talking about what bothers them, some feel worse. Your man just may be one of them. Let him lead the way.
* Look for times around an activity to begin the conversation … on a walk, driving in the car without the children, sitting at the table over coffee after dinner … or invite him to join you for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop.
* When he does talk, do not offer advice or comments, just listen …and ask questions to get a better understanding.
* Let him know that you enjoyed hearing about his day, that it really helps you to know and love him even more.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Recipe for a Healthy Marriage
5 ounces of positive affirmations and gratitude
*Tell your partner all of the things that you like about him … and about your relationship together. Incorporate hugs, kisses and non-sexual touching.
4 ounces of open communication.
* Share what is going on in your life … at work, with friends. Let her know about your hopes and dreams.
* If there is something going on that bothers you, find a way to let her know rather than bottle it up and keep it inside.
* Be curious and inquisitive about your partner‘s life as well … and listen very carefully.
2 ounces of time alone together.
* Create your shelter and be alone together.
* Find a way to have a protected date every week, (even if you do not go anywhere).
* Develop a regular ritual each day where you spend a few minutes and just check in with each other.
1 ounce of sharing the load.
* Work together with housework and caring for the children.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Withdrawal
It is easier for some people to become flooded when in a disagreement. Their heart rate rises, and they are unable to think clearly. It is at times like this that the “fight or flight” response sets in. Arguments either escalate as voices become louder and say mean and ugly things … or someone runs away.
Frequently when one person runs away from an argument, the normal reaction for the other person is to try to catch them … and this only makes things worse. The one left behind also feels frustrated, hurt, angrier and issues never get resolved.
So … what can you do if one person feels a need to run away? Here are some things to try … as a beginning way to learn new ways to talk with each other.
* Respect the fact that your partner does need a time out … an opportunity to calm down.
* Give him some space before starting any conversation with him.
* Begin the discussion in a calm and loving way such as “I know that we have a hard time talking about this subject and I want to try again. Is this a good time? If not, when would be a good time?” or “Let me understand your feelings on this subject before I even talk to you about mine.”
* If you can see that your partner is getting upset, suggest another time out … and try again later.
Frequently when one person runs away from an argument, the normal reaction for the other person is to try to catch them … and this only makes things worse. The one left behind also feels frustrated, hurt, angrier and issues never get resolved.
So … what can you do if one person feels a need to run away? Here are some things to try … as a beginning way to learn new ways to talk with each other.
* Respect the fact that your partner does need a time out … an opportunity to calm down.
* Give him some space before starting any conversation with him.
* Begin the discussion in a calm and loving way such as “I know that we have a hard time talking about this subject and I want to try again. Is this a good time? If not, when would be a good time?” or “Let me understand your feelings on this subject before I even talk to you about mine.”
* If you can see that your partner is getting upset, suggest another time out … and try again later.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Tip of the Week, February 4, 2008
Learn a new activity together. Learn ballroom dancing, tennis, golf, scuba diving. Start taking a yoga class together, join a neighborhood group, start an investment club. Brainstorm ideas for activities that you can join … and enjoy … together
Friday, February 1, 2008
Respect
Sandy and Jeff were both proud of their witty, sarcastic sense of humor. It was one of the things that attracted them to each other. When discussing every-day happenings, world events or work experiences, it helped them feel connected and they admired the other’s intelligence and wit. When the humor took on a personal nature, however, it was not so funny. When it was used in an argument, it was very hurtful and eroded feelings of love and good will. Over time, it became harder and harder for Sandy and Jim to recover those feelings of love, appreciation, admiration and respect.
Being disrespectful, treating your partner, either verbally or nonverbally, as if they were stupid, incompetent or unworthy of being taken seriously, will damage and destroy a relationship quickly. In order to be heard or make a point in a disagreement, talking respectfully, remembering that the health of the relationship is more important than winning, will hold a relationship together. Being respectful does not imply agreement, rather it states “you are important … and our relationship is important.”
Sandy and Jeff were able to recognize the problems with the sarcasm as they softly shared feelings about how they felt during the arguments. They were able to talk about their love for each other and apologize for the hurt that their statements had caused. Over time, and with lots of practice, they were able to take responsibility for what they said and change the habit of sarcasm when talking about each other or having a disagreement.
Being disrespectful, treating your partner, either verbally or nonverbally, as if they were stupid, incompetent or unworthy of being taken seriously, will damage and destroy a relationship quickly. In order to be heard or make a point in a disagreement, talking respectfully, remembering that the health of the relationship is more important than winning, will hold a relationship together. Being respectful does not imply agreement, rather it states “you are important … and our relationship is important.”
Sandy and Jeff were able to recognize the problems with the sarcasm as they softly shared feelings about how they felt during the arguments. They were able to talk about their love for each other and apologize for the hurt that their statements had caused. Over time, and with lots of practice, they were able to take responsibility for what they said and change the habit of sarcasm when talking about each other or having a disagreement.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Defensiveness Blocks Healthy Communication
“My partner does not understand me.”
“My spouse is always unfair with her criticism.”
“He always has to be right.”
How many of these statements would you answer “true”?
Do you prepare for an attack before it happens?
Do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?
When anyone feels attacked, it is normal to want to defend yourself; however, responding defensively when presented with a complaint is one way to end the opportunity for healthy conversation and connection in a relationship. It also opens the door for an escalating argument.
The best thing to do when presented with a complaint is to slow down and find a way to listen to your partner; possibly even entertaining the idea that they might be right … or have a point worth considering.
Amazingly, those who are able to let go of defensiveness, also feel better about themselves and about their partner. They recognize that “listening to” does not mean “agreeing with” but is rather a respectful way of saying “You … and your ideas … are important to me, even if we do not see things the same way.”
Hearing another person’s complaints about you can feel very uncomfortable, and yet, you might learn something useful, if you can relax and take it from an “informational perspective.”
One of the most important things to remember when practicing listening rather than defending is that it truly gives you power. When someone else feels heard, they are much more likely to “hear”.
“My spouse is always unfair with her criticism.”
“He always has to be right.”
How many of these statements would you answer “true”?
Do you prepare for an attack before it happens?
Do you believe that the best defense is a good offense?
When anyone feels attacked, it is normal to want to defend yourself; however, responding defensively when presented with a complaint is one way to end the opportunity for healthy conversation and connection in a relationship. It also opens the door for an escalating argument.
The best thing to do when presented with a complaint is to slow down and find a way to listen to your partner; possibly even entertaining the idea that they might be right … or have a point worth considering.
Amazingly, those who are able to let go of defensiveness, also feel better about themselves and about their partner. They recognize that “listening to” does not mean “agreeing with” but is rather a respectful way of saying “You … and your ideas … are important to me, even if we do not see things the same way.”
Hearing another person’s complaints about you can feel very uncomfortable, and yet, you might learn something useful, if you can relax and take it from an “informational perspective.”
One of the most important things to remember when practicing listening rather than defending is that it truly gives you power. When someone else feels heard, they are much more likely to “hear”.
Friday, January 25, 2008
I Love My Spouse … But I Am Not IN LOVE With My Spouse
This is a statement that we hear regularly from people who are trying to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. Often people do not understand that feelings of love change over time and the intensity of feelings rarely stays the same.
I remember hearing in high school during a psychology class that there may be at least 25 people nearby with whom we could have a loving and happy relationship. Many of these people we might well consider “soul-mates” because of the chemistry we might feel and the things we would have in common. Of course, you cannot be married to all 25 … how exhausting would that be!
When the “normal” change in intensity of feelings happens, do not be surprised. When others seem attractive and curiosity about a different relationship emerges in your brain … consider it normal.
Recognize that having those thoughts and feelings are predictable … and no reason to end a marriage. There are lots of ways to reconnect to your spouse … and lots of ways to recover those feelings.
Visit our website (CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com) for some ideas for how to reconnect and fall back in love. Add your own comments here. We would love to hear from you.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Starting a Complaint
We often have people ask us how to get their partner to listen to their concerns without immediately getting defensive or trying to turn the tables with a complaint about them … or about the way that they are making the complaint. We also have people ask us how to keep their spouse from “nagging” or bringing up complaints in an angry way … after they have been “sizzling” for awhile.
Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.
Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.
Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”
Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”
Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…
“I really feel like you care about me when you … “
“I feel the closest to you when …”
“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”
Starting a complaint in a positive way can make a big difference in how the conversation will evolve. Often complaints are started when someone is angry about a problem or behavior … and starting in an angry way only causes more anger… on the part of both people. Other times complaints are started after one person has thought about them for a long time and the frustration has piled on top of itself. The complaint then is “spewed” out in a quick and angry way.
Here are some tips to try when you want to talk with your partner about something that is bothering you.
Begin your complaint with a positive statement such as “I love you and I want to keep things good between us … and there is something that I really want to talk about …”
Begin with an example of a time when your partner actually did what you want him to do more of … “Last week, when you got up early with the children and let me sleep in awhile was wonderful. Can we find a way to make that happen a little more often?” or “I know that you have a really busy and complicated job. Yesterday when you called me and told me that you were headed home and would be here by 6:45 … and then got here by that time, really made me feel good. Is there any way that you can do that more often?”
Consider the complaints. Are they concerns that really affect you and your life? Many times people complain about things that bother them but really are not problems. Think about the fact that maybe you should not let that concern bother you … or as some say “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
Some other good openings are …
“I do not want to hurt your feelings and yet (never “but”) I really need to talk about this“…
“I really feel like you care about me when you … “
“I feel the closest to you when …”
“I know that you only have good intentions when … and yet it frustrates me when …”
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tip of the Week, January 14, 2008
Change the time of day or the location when having a disagreement or fight. If you usually fight at night, get your partner to agree to only disagree during the daytime … and actually schedule a time for the conflict. If you generally fight in the bedroom (one of the worst places to fight) then agree to move all of your fights to the kitchen … or out to the back deck. If you have fought in every room in the house, then agree that all disagreements must be taken outside.
Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.
Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Time Out
One of the biggest mistakes that people make when having a disagreement is to continue talking … and arguing … after their heart rate rises and they are flooded. Some of the signs of “flooding” are feeling warm all over, a knot in the stomach, inability to think clearly, a headache or a racing heart.
When anyone is flooded, the tendency is either “fight or flight” … either to run away or to get more escalated, louder, an angrier tone, saying regretful and hurtful things. No one can think rationally when upset and there is no way to resolve issues or hear your partner at times like this. These conversations are deadly for a relationship and, if they happen frequently, can erode even the most loving feelings.
The best way to handle the situation is to call a time out. This does not involve running away, but rather a “time out” hand sign or words like “I am starting to feel flooded or get upset” and to take a break. Couples who talk about this before a disagreement arises can also plan a way to get back together after both are calm, to talk about the issue … if there needs to be a continued discussion.
It generally takes people a minimum of 20 minutes to calm down after they have stopped thinking about the situation or conversation … so it is important to do something different with your brain … read a book, talk about something else with a friend, play with your child, meditate, play a video game. When both are calm, the conversation can resume.
It is also helpful when a partner can notice signs of flooding in either of them and suggest a break with words that name what is happening .. “I think maybe this is not a good time to talk about this because you are appearing to be and/or I am feeling flooded. Let’s talk again when we are both in a better spot.”
It is often harder for the calmer person to allow the break. There seems to be the idea in many heads that it is better to stay with a situation and talk it out until there is a resolution when, in fact, there cannot be a real resolution, maybe a giving in or giving up … but no real resolution when either person is in a flooded state.
Talk the idea of a time out over with your partner and see if there is a way to incorporate this into your discussions, especially when the discussions can be emotionally charged. Remember, while it is the responsibility for each person to recognize when they begin to be flooded, the relationship will be healthier when both take responsibility for calm and respectful discussions.
When anyone is flooded, the tendency is either “fight or flight” … either to run away or to get more escalated, louder, an angrier tone, saying regretful and hurtful things. No one can think rationally when upset and there is no way to resolve issues or hear your partner at times like this. These conversations are deadly for a relationship and, if they happen frequently, can erode even the most loving feelings.
The best way to handle the situation is to call a time out. This does not involve running away, but rather a “time out” hand sign or words like “I am starting to feel flooded or get upset” and to take a break. Couples who talk about this before a disagreement arises can also plan a way to get back together after both are calm, to talk about the issue … if there needs to be a continued discussion.
It generally takes people a minimum of 20 minutes to calm down after they have stopped thinking about the situation or conversation … so it is important to do something different with your brain … read a book, talk about something else with a friend, play with your child, meditate, play a video game. When both are calm, the conversation can resume.
It is also helpful when a partner can notice signs of flooding in either of them and suggest a break with words that name what is happening .. “I think maybe this is not a good time to talk about this because you are appearing to be and/or I am feeling flooded. Let’s talk again when we are both in a better spot.”
It is often harder for the calmer person to allow the break. There seems to be the idea in many heads that it is better to stay with a situation and talk it out until there is a resolution when, in fact, there cannot be a real resolution, maybe a giving in or giving up … but no real resolution when either person is in a flooded state.
Talk the idea of a time out over with your partner and see if there is a way to incorporate this into your discussions, especially when the discussions can be emotionally charged. Remember, while it is the responsibility for each person to recognize when they begin to be flooded, the relationship will be healthier when both take responsibility for calm and respectful discussions.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Know Your Partner’s Dreams
What are your partner’s secret desires?
If she could do or be anything that she wanted, what would it be?
If he could spend time on one new activity, what would that be?
Where would she most like to travel?
How does he envision retirement?
What are some things that your partner would want to do while still in good health?
What would your partner like to be doing differently … or more of, 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 25 years from now?
Couples that really know each others’ hopes and dreams feel more connected. They have fuller, richer and more varied love maps and a better understanding of their spouse’s inner lives.
Wives are generally good at supporting their husbands to live out their dreams. Men are also often good at being clear about what they want and need for career, recreational and social pursuits. While many men are respectful and mature in their commitment to home and family, they also recognize the importance of asking for and pursuing what is important to them.
Women are not as good at looking inward and focusing on themselves and what is important to them … especially if it may be at some expense for the family. Dreams may still be there, however women often put the needs of the family above themselves. Interestingly, John Gottman, who did a lot of research on healthy relationships, found that husbands who listen, understand and help their wives to achieve their dreams have better and stronger marriages.
If she could do or be anything that she wanted, what would it be?
If he could spend time on one new activity, what would that be?
Where would she most like to travel?
How does he envision retirement?
What are some things that your partner would want to do while still in good health?
What would your partner like to be doing differently … or more of, 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 25 years from now?
Couples that really know each others’ hopes and dreams feel more connected. They have fuller, richer and more varied love maps and a better understanding of their spouse’s inner lives.
Wives are generally good at supporting their husbands to live out their dreams. Men are also often good at being clear about what they want and need for career, recreational and social pursuits. While many men are respectful and mature in their commitment to home and family, they also recognize the importance of asking for and pursuing what is important to them.
Women are not as good at looking inward and focusing on themselves and what is important to them … especially if it may be at some expense for the family. Dreams may still be there, however women often put the needs of the family above themselves. Interestingly, John Gottman, who did a lot of research on healthy relationships, found that husbands who listen, understand and help their wives to achieve their dreams have better and stronger marriages.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Emotionally Intelligent Relationship
How Effective Are You In An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?
Circle your answer to the following questions.
1. I am able to remain calm when having a disagreement with my spouse.
Yes No
2. If I find myself starting to get upset when we disagree or he or she is talking with me about a problem, I can find a way to calm myself down, even if it means that I need to take a break.
Yes No
3. We have many more positive things happen in our daily lives, than negative ones.
Yes No
4. We can share struggles that we have with others without giving each other unsolicited advice.
Yes No
5. I feel respected and appreciated by my partner.
Yes No
6. Even though we disagree about the same things much of the time, we can still talk about those issues in respectful, caring ways.
Yes No
7. When I talk, my partner listens. When my partner talks, I listen.
Yes No
8. When we disagree, we find lots of ways to remind each other that a good relationship is more important than winning the argument.
Yes No
9. Our intimate and sexual life is satisfying for us both.
Yes No
10. I know my partners’ dreams and fears.
Yes No
11. We fill each other in on lots that happens in our lives.
Yes No
12. When we disagree, we do not automatically jump to negative thoughts about each other.
Yes No
13. We know how to laugh and have fun with each other and do so often.
Yes No
14. We frequently let each other know what we like and appreciate about each other and about our life together.
Yes No
15. We reserve special relationship time for ourselves on a regular basis.
Yes No
If you answered “yes” to 12 or more questions, congratulate yourself on knowing how to be a part of a healthy relationship.
Circle your answer to the following questions.
1. I am able to remain calm when having a disagreement with my spouse.
Yes No
2. If I find myself starting to get upset when we disagree or he or she is talking with me about a problem, I can find a way to calm myself down, even if it means that I need to take a break.
Yes No
3. We have many more positive things happen in our daily lives, than negative ones.
Yes No
4. We can share struggles that we have with others without giving each other unsolicited advice.
Yes No
5. I feel respected and appreciated by my partner.
Yes No
6. Even though we disagree about the same things much of the time, we can still talk about those issues in respectful, caring ways.
Yes No
7. When I talk, my partner listens. When my partner talks, I listen.
Yes No
8. When we disagree, we find lots of ways to remind each other that a good relationship is more important than winning the argument.
Yes No
9. Our intimate and sexual life is satisfying for us both.
Yes No
10. I know my partners’ dreams and fears.
Yes No
11. We fill each other in on lots that happens in our lives.
Yes No
12. When we disagree, we do not automatically jump to negative thoughts about each other.
Yes No
13. We know how to laugh and have fun with each other and do so often.
Yes No
14. We frequently let each other know what we like and appreciate about each other and about our life together.
Yes No
15. We reserve special relationship time for ourselves on a regular basis.
Yes No
If you answered “yes” to 12 or more questions, congratulate yourself on knowing how to be a part of a healthy relationship.
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