Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

Make a family “communication” box. Find a small box and put trinkets in there that will communicate feelings. A band aid can mean “I am hurting”, a Kleenex can mean “I need a good cry”. A candy heart for “I need love”. A small lifesaver can symbolize “I am feeling overwhelmed.” A place card can mean “I need a favor”. Put the box in a place where all can see it every day. When someone needs any one of these emotional needs met, they just lay out the symbol for others in the family to see.

Respect

Sandy and Jeff were both proud of their witty, sarcastic sense of humor. It was one of the things that attracted them to each other. When discussing every-day happenings, world events or work experiences, it helped them feel connected and they admired the other’s intelligence and wit. When the humor took on a personal nature, however, it was not so funny. When it was used in an argument, it was very hurtful and eroded feelings of love and good will. Over time, it became harder and harder for Sandy and Jim to recover those feelings of love, appreciation, admiration and respect.

Being disrespectful, treating your partner, either verbally or nonverbally, as if they were stupid, incompetent or unworthy of being taken seriously, will damage and destroy a relationship quickly. In order to be heard or make a point in a disagreement, talking respectfully, remembering that the health of the relationship is more important than winning, will hold a relationship together. Being respectful does not imply agreement, rather it states “you are important … and our relationship is important.”

Sandy and Jeff were able to recognize the problems with the sarcasm as they softly shared feelings about how they felt during the arguments. They were able to talk about their love for each other and apologize for the hurt that their statements had caused. Over time, and with lots of practice, they were able to take responsibility for what they said and change the habit of sarcasm when talking about each other or having a disagreement.

Tip of the Week, January 14, 2008

Change the time of day or the location when having a disagreement or fight. If you usually fight at night, get your partner to agree to only disagree during the daytime … and actually schedule a time for the conflict. If you generally fight in the bedroom (one of the worst places to fight) then agree to move all of your fights to the kitchen … or out to the back deck. If you have fought in every room in the house, then agree that all disagreements must be taken outside.

Changing the location and time can change the flavor and feel of the disagreement and help keep partners from falling into the bad patterns that caused problems in the past.

Time Out

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when having a disagreement is to continue talking … and arguing … after their heart rate rises and they are flooded. Some of the signs of “flooding” are feeling warm all over, a knot in the stomach, inability to think clearly, a headache or a racing heart.

When anyone is flooded, the tendency is either “fight or flight” … either to run away or to get more escalated, louder, an angrier tone, saying regretful and hurtful things. No one can think rationally when upset and there is no way to resolve issues or hear your partner at times like this. These conversations are deadly for a relationship and, if they happen frequently, can erode even the most loving feelings.

The best way to handle the situation is to call a time out. This does not involve running away, but rather a “time out” hand sign or words like “I am starting to feel flooded or get upset” and to take a break. Couples who talk about this before a disagreement arises can also plan a way to get back together after both are calm, to talk about the issue … if there needs to be a continued discussion.

It generally takes people a minimum of 20 minutes to calm down after they have stopped thinking about the situation or conversation … so it is important to do something different with your brain … read a book, talk about something else with a friend, play with your child, meditate, play a video game. When both are calm, the conversation can resume.

It is also helpful when a partner can notice signs of flooding in either of them and suggest a break with words that name what is happening .. “I think maybe this is not a good time to talk about this because you are appearing to be and/or I am feeling flooded. Let’s talk again when we are both in a better spot.”

It is often harder for the calmer person to allow the break. There seems to be the idea in many heads that it is better to stay with a situation and talk it out until there is a resolution when, in fact, there cannot be a real resolution, maybe a giving in or giving up … but no real resolution when either person is in a flooded state.

Talk the idea of a time out over with your partner and see if there is a way to incorporate this into your discussions, especially when the discussions can be emotionally charged. Remember, while it is the responsibility for each person to recognize when they begin to be flooded, the relationship will be healthier when both take responsibility for calm and respectful discussions.

Family Meetings

Family meetings provide a great opportunity for busy families to stay connected, learn about what is going on in each other’s lives and teach communication and problem-solving skills. Here are some general guidelines for how to hold the meetings in ways that make sense for families.

1. Make certain to hold the meetings to less than 1 hour. Find ways to make them fun. Begin with a funny family story or ask if anyone wants to tell a joke. Serve hot chocolate and cookies or some kind of interesting snack.
2. Rotate the leadership of the meetings. Let the parents be in charge of the first few meetings and then share with all of the children who are old enough to handle it.
3. Appoint someone to be the secretary to record all of the important family decisions. The parents can begin with this duty, but after the first few meetings, any of the children who can write can rotate this responsibility.
4. Let everyone decide on the best day and time to hold the meeting … a time that fits best with everyone’s schedule. Try to hold to this time as much as possible recognizing that, with families and scheduling, there is always a need for some flexibility.
5. Begin the meeting on a positive tone and try hard to keep it that way throughout the meeting. Start with a question such as “What is one good thing that happened to you this week?” and go around the room giving everyone a time to share in the discussion. The parents should offer lots of positive comments about each child’s experience, again modeling that we are going to be kind and supportive of everyone.
6. The next “go around” might be about schedules for the week. Who needs rides where? Who has events, big projects due at school, what nights are parents going to be out, etc.?
7. The final go around can be about problem-solving. Who has dilemmas that need to be discussed? This can include problems about household chores, disagreements with each other, etc.? This is the time to talk about problems in constructive and positive ways. The parents should find ways to keep the discussion positive, focusing more on what each wants from the other rather than what is wrong with each other.
8. Finally, the secretary should make sure that he/she has recorded any family plans or decisions that have been made. Decide on the best place to post the family decision record.
9. Make the commitment to meet again and schedule the time.

What Can You Expect, Realistically, With the Merging of Two Families?

When two people fall in love, they naturally want their families to blend right away and immediately get along with each other. This is very unrealistic and sets the stage for disappointment, hurt and anger by all involved.

Some of the other ideas that are common ideas and also unrealistic expectations are:
· Children will accept the new stepparent with open arms, courtesy and pleasure.
· The stepmother will be able to be kind, gentle and loving enough that the children will quickly fall in love with her.
· The stepfather will be able to immediately handle discipline problems with the children so that they will accept authority and rules.
· The children will really like each other and enjoy having a larger family.
· There will not be any problems with choosing common rules for children in this new unit.
· The new stepparents will really like and, even come to love, their stepchildren.
· This new loving family can “overcome” the influence of the other family.

What should you expect in a stepfamily?
· It generally takes one or two years for stepfamilies to say that they are finally okay.
· Stepchildren will only accept discipline (teaching) from someone that they respect and have a relationship with.
· Patience, a good sense of humor and lots of loving communication will be required because it takes a long time for people to even feel comfortable with each other.
· Stepparents and stepchildren may only get to the place of learning to get along. The relationship may never get deeper than that; and for some families, that can be seen as success.
· Stress and struggle are the norm.
· Natural parents from “the other” family cannot be criticized in front of the children without causing problems in your family relationship.
· The adults must be the grown-ups and demonstrate lots of flexibility, humor, patience and understanding.

Conflict Resolution

Disagreement is normal in any relationship. How you handle the disagreement, however, can provide a key to understanding whether or not a marriage will survive.

Are you someone, or married to someone, who has a conflict avoidant style of relating? What about someone who is highly conflictual or volatile? Are you, or your significant other, a person who likes to work out little details and make the sanctity of the friendship the most important feature? Researcher John Gottman (www.Gottman.com) notes that the most difficult relationships are when there are two different styles of relating, that is if someone whose style of relating is conflict avoidant is married to someone whose style tends more toward the volatile style. When partners handle disagreements in different ways, it can be frustrating and destructive to their relationship.

In addition, Gottman noted that most couples disagree about the same things over and over again, approximately two-thirds of a couples’ disagreements are over the same things. If you were not married to your partner and were with someone else, you might not disagree about the same things … but you would have some “perpetual issues.” Gottman lists 25 different issues, from “The Big 4”: children, sex, money and in-laws to issues such as how much time to spend together, neatness and orderliness or timeliness. So, you may not be able to come to an agreement on how to handle all of the family money, however, you might be able to find ways to calmly talk about how to handle this bill or the next paycheck.

There are a few very common blocks to healthy communication and conflict resolution, among them are starting with criticism, being disrespectful and derogatory in looks and comments, escalating to fighting and arguing and leaving and refusing to discuss the issue or stonewalling. Also important are a lack of understanding of your partner’s viewpoint (not agreeing with them) and some sense of what it is about their viewpoint that is important to them.