Jobs, Children and Marriage: 10 Ways to Keep Love Alive

During the early years of marriage, couples focus on building a nest, settling into careers and having children.

It is too easy, after the knot is tied, to focus less on the relationship and more on the job or the children which is why the divorce rate is so high for this time in a couple‘s life. It is not that spouses love each other less, it is more because they find themselves drawn in other directions and away from each other.

Things can erode before anyone recognizes what happens. Neither spouse is usually the “bad one”. The distancing usually just happens as life evolves.

As couples grow apart by failing to nurture the marriage, they open themselves up for one or both to become unhappy and lonely. Problems don’t get resolved, fun dissipates and opportunities for affairs or enjoying the single life with friends and colleagues can become more interesting than what is happening at home.

We have 10 ways to keep the love alive and make your marriage a priority.

1. Have a technology free-zone.
Cell phones, face book, video games … all are distractions for intimacy and have their own inherent problems. Designate a period of time each day to put the technology away and enjoy each other and the relationship.

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Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Three Additional Ways to Repair Damage During Conflict with your Partner

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. When having a disagreement, think that maybe, just maybe, your partner may have an idea that he or she wants you to consider and is not out just to “get you” or be disagreeable.

Humor helps a lot. The more that you can laugh together or at yourself (not at your partner) the more likely it is that overall good feelings about each other and the relationship will keep you focused on a positive solution.

Stay positive in your conversation. Talk about what you like and want more of rather than what you do not like and want your partner to STOP doing or change.

Above all, keep in mind that the person you are disagreeing with is your life partner. He or she was, and hopefully still is, your best friend. Talk together in ways that show your respect and love.

3 Ways to Repair Damage During Conflict

Here are three suggestions for ways to repair damage to a relationship during conflict.

Realize that there are many different ways to reach a solution and both of you can be right. There is rarely only one way to solve a problem. Entertain the idea that many different ideas need to be considered before settling on something that fits. Thinking of the conflict in this way invites you both to consider a bigger picture.

Recognize that different styles beget different ideas. Most often, neither is inherently wrong. Many partners have different approaches to issues like parenting, finances, sex and others. Respect each other’s ideas as valid even if different from your own.

Use lots of phrases to calm down the tension. Some phrases to consider are ones like:
“I love you and I want us to find a way to work together on this.”
“We have figured out ways to work through this before, I feel certain we can do it again.”
“I am starting to get upset and I know that this is not the best time to discuss a
difficult subject. How about if we take a break and talk again after dinner?”

A Healthy Relationship Is More Important Than Winning An Argument: Discover 6 Ways To Repair Damage During Conflict

Is it more important for you to protect your relationship than it is to win a fight?

Can you disagree without being disagreeable?

Are you able to keep the love showing while conflict is flowing?

If your answer is “yes” to all of these questions, then you may not need to read any further. If any of these presents a strain for you; however, there may be some useful tips here for you.

All couples disagree. According to researcher, Dr. John Gottman, it is usually about the same things over and over again. In fact, his research points out that about 2/3rds of all disagreements are usually about the same issues.

Some couples are masters at working through conflict and keeping a good relationship as their primary focus. They truly disagree without being disagreeable.

Couples who can find ways to repair any damage to the relationship while they are having a disagreement, or, as some might call it, a fight, have more than half of the battle won. It makes so much more sense to compromise with or acquiesce to someone that you like and with whom you have a good relationship.

For others, repairing damage during conlict requires learning new habits and skills.

In future posts, we will discuss 6 different ways for you to repair damage to your relationship while you are having an argument.

Discover Ways to Stay Calm Even in Conflict

Every couple has differences. Some of those issues need to be discussed while others will work themselves out over time and may not involve any conflict.

While there may not need to be a reason to fight about the differences, there are certainly reasons to have discussions and figure out ways to handle problems when you disagree. Conflict is not inevitable.

With volatile couples, those who are quickly triggered and have trouble avoiding a fight or conflict, it is important to signal ways to recognize when either partner is getting flooded and take a time out so that he or she can calm down before having any kind of conversation about their disagreement. Areas of conflict are handled much more successfully this way.

With couples, or maybe just half of a couple, who are more likely to run away from conflict, it is also important to recognize that the urge to run also comes from feeling flooded. If you give yourself or your partner the time to calm down, then it is likely that you can find a way to talk about the problem with out erupting into conflict.

Learning how to identify when you are flooded and calm yourself down is a skill that can be learned. Learning this skill can make you a master at handling conflict.

Click here to read the rest of the article which includes steps for staying calm during conflict.

Proving Your Point Can Be Hazardous for a Relationship

Some people are able to remain calm during a disagreement while others avoid conflict completely. Still others blow up quickly and seem to enjoy the fight. Letting go of the conflict and the need to “win” or prove your point is hard for many but crucial for the relationship.

Jill and Jim fought a lot. Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.

While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.

Jim and Jill liked their passion. It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.

Both halves of the couple agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting. They could agree on that when they were calm, that is. Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.

Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights. They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started. Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.

Many people, those who avoid conflict, will flee when fighting begins. Others find that they cannot let go of any argument and will fight until the end. (The fight or flight response to conflict is a common pattern for many couples.) The seduction of an argument is powerful.

A high level of disrespect and contempt can erode love and kindness in any relationship.

Problems arise, however, with high conflict in any relationship. Things that are said and done, even if there is no physical violence, can erode love and respect in any relationship. Contempt is one of the biggest killers of a marriage.

One of the skills that I first teach couples is the importance of taking a time out when flooded. (When their heart rate starts to rise.) Finding ways to soothe themselves or to help their partner calm down is the only way to protect the relationship and work toward finding solutions to any problem. While in the heat of a fight, it may be hard to let go, it is crucial for the long-term health of the marriage.

Jim and Jill had a really hard time pulling themselves away from conflict. When one of them “drew a sword” or pushed a button, it was hard not to defend themselves or accuse the other of causing problems. While they both agreed that, when they did take a break, they were able to think more clearly and rationally, they had to work extremely hard to take a break when the conflict started.

Over time, with lots of practice, they were able to change their behavior which led to a change in their thinking and in their feelings about themselves, each other and their relationship. It never became “easy” to resist the seduction of an argument but most of the time, they were able to put their relationship first and find ways to let go of their destructive pattern.

The main question that couples have to ask themselves at times like this is “Which is more important, winning … or the relationship?”

Conflict and Couples: How To Stay Calm

What is it about couples and conflict? How can some people listen calmly when having a disagreement with their partner?

What is their secret?

When you are criticized or attacked, the first response is often to defend yourself or fight back with counter-charges. After all, how unfair does it feel to be criticized!

Responding to a complaint by getting defensive or mounting a counter-offensive, may work in the short-run. You may be able to end the conversation or diffuse the fight; however, there is usually damage to a relationship that may be difficult to repair. Couples who are unable to talk through concerns often grow apart and the distance can erode the loving feelings for each other.

Tips for Couples and Conflict
Here are some tips for you to keep your cool and listen to your partner as he or she talks about a problem or concern that they experience with you.

1. Keep in mind that the best way to have your opinion considered is to hear someone else talk about theirs. When someone feels heard and understood (not necessarily agreed with), then their mind is much more likely to hear your ideas.

2. When having that “defensive talk” inside your head, (statements like: “She is being unfair” or “How can he talk like that?”) take deep breaths and remind yourself that there will definitely be time for you to talk about your ideas.

3. Masters in couples and conflict keep in mind that the relationship is more important than “winning” an argument. This does not mean that you want to let your partner run all over you, you may have to clearly stand up for yourself, but the health of the relationship will be best if you can remain calm.

4. Remind yourself and your partner, out loud, that you love her/him and that you want to find a way to work through problems. Making simple repair attempts can really help to calm things down.

5. In the event that you find you are really flooded and having a tough time remaining calm, take a time out. Let yourself calm down and think clearly about what you heard, your partner’s thoughts and feelings and what you want to make sure you eventually get across.

Using these tips can help make you an expert on couples and conflict.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Mastering Conflict: Stay In Charge Of Your Own “Buttons”

Are you able to stay with a disagreement and keep focused on the issue?

Do you find yourself having a hard time remaining calm?

Do you frequently take disagreements personally?

Do you find yourself reacting more strongly than you planned … maybe in response to old fights or old wounds?

Many people find that they have a hard time remaining calm and focused on one issue or problem when arguing or disagreeing with their spouse. Old “buttons” get pushed and it becomes hard to remain in the present. Feelings of hurt, disappointment, disrespect, being discounted or dismissed may emerge and lead to reactions and responses that have nothing to do with the issue at hand or to the gravity of the situation.

We all have to find ways to remain in charge of our own responses with our partners. This involves recognizing old tapes from relationships and patterns of the past that visit today. An awareness of old fears and hurts can be the first step toward helping to change this pattern.

Julia grew up with parents who had money to buy her lots of things; however, their time was limited and they had little interest in spending it with Julia. She developed the idea that she was not important and what was important to her, did not matter. Julia cannot remember any times that either her father or her mother showed up for school performances or even teacher’s conferences. Julia felt like she pretty much reared herself. When Julia and Troy fought, she often felt dismissed if he did not agree with her or her point of view. While she “knew” that he was entitled to have a different opinion, when he did, she felt discounted and it was not until she could tie that reaction to the frequent one that she received, the message that she often got from her parents of not being important, that Julia was able to calmly listen and talk with Troy when they disagreed.

Gerald’s dad had very high expectations of his son and Gerald was never able to meet those expectations. His father was highly critical, rarely positive or complimentary with Gerald. No matter how hard Gerald tried to please his dad, it never worked.

When Marcia had complaints about Gerald or something that he had done, Gerald would immediately become defensive and accuse her of being critical of everything that he did. He was unable to really hear Marcia, even when she was able to softly and gently ask for something different or try to talk about a problem. Gerald realized that he “heard” his father in all of Marcia’s complaints, even though they were very different. As he was able to separate his reactions from his relationship with his dad and his response to Marcia, he was able to talk with her about a present issue without revisiting the old “programmed in” responses.

Do you have “buttons” that get pushed from old past or wounds? Are you able to recognize them for what they are?

Please share your thoughts and ideas about this with us.

Fighting Fairly: Avoid Triggering Your Partner

Questions: How can you fight fairly? I mean, conflict is conflict and it is important to clearly state your point and stand up for yourself, right?

What do you mean when you say: “avoid triggering your partner”? Everyone is responsible for his or her own reactions and responses, correct?

Answers: The answers are yes and yes. With a disagreement, it is important to stand up for yourself and state your point or opinion.

Being assertive means standing up for yourself while also respecting the rights of others. That’s different from being aggressive which often involves running over other people and their rights.

Most people who have regular disagreements with a partner or spouse, usually know what upsets or “sets off” their partner. It may be a comment about being just like their mother or a reminder of a past fight that has long been over but not forgotten. These remarks can be “dirty” and very unfair. When delivered, they are provocative and escalate fights.

While everyone is in charge of his or her own reactions … with words and with responses, take off the boxing gloves and put on the kid gloves. Treat your partner with love, tenderness and respect while also standing up for yourself and what is important to you.

Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

Most couples find that their dance around a disagreement seems to have the same steps over and over again. It starts out the same way and often ends the same way with one or both partners feeling hurt, disappointed, discounted or angry,

Sharon and Bill fought a lot about money, children and household chores. The disagreements always began with Sharon’s request in what she thought was a friendly tone but Bill heard as a nagging tone. Bill’s response was generally a defensive one, complaining about her tone or the fact that she was always nagging him. Bill then often withdrew by leaving the house or turning on the television and Sharon became more angry, often following after him in an attempt to talk about the problem or come up with a solution.

Andy and Sue had a different dance. One of the frequent issues for them was intimacy. Sue was more interested in intimacy and sex than Andy. She would light candles, send text messages, schedule dates, only to find that Andy was not interested, busy, too tired or would say that he just did not feel “in the mood”. Sue would then feel hurt and disappointed and then angry.

If Sharon and Bill and Andy and Sue want to find a way to change this dance, they each have to find ways to recognize their own steps and change them.

For most people, it is hard to recognize your own “mistakes” and find new steps to the dance, and yet, that is the quickest way to resolution. It is much better to find ways to change yourself rather than trying to change another person. When one person changes, others do change in response.

Pay attention to your own last argument with your partner. Can you describe your “dance”? What about your own steps? Do you find that you are trying the same thing over and over again ? Are you getting the same results? It may be time to try something different.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your step might be … or a different way to dance, contact us at Counseling Relationships Online. We provide in-person and on-line therapy to help couples understand their dance and change their steps.

Making Good On Promises: “Until Death Do Us Part”

George told me recently that there are times when he really feels like giving up on his marriage. The conflict and distance in his relationship depresses him, but he remembers how much he loves his wife and truly believes that they can get through this stressful time.

Sandy was not sure that she could survive her husband’s mid-life crisis. She knew that he was acting differently than at any time before and she truly believed that he would come full circle and return home to make things work in the marriage.

Jenny and Jim were overwhelmed with the stress of trying to get pregnant, the loss of his mother and Jenny’s job lay-off. Both recognized that they were shorter and more critical of each other, not nurturing each other as they once had. When talking with them; however, the conversation usually ended with one of them saying something like “I know that things will get better” or “It cannot stay this bad forever”.

This belief in a solution to problems and stressful events can save a marriage. Having the courage to hang in with the relationship and work through difficult times has been what has made the difference in many marriages. When people are able to acknowledge the tough times and yet also talk about their commitment to the marriage and working things out, we feel pretty confident that the marriage will make it.

One study of long-term marriages reported that many couples reported very stressful periods, and yet, years later, they remember them with a sense of having coped, survived and even thrived as they describe how happy they were to have hung in there and made it through. Many say that divorce would have been the worst decision and, while it may have been the easy way out at the time, in the long run, remaining in the marriage and working through things has been the absolute right thing to do.

What stories of commitment and its affect on your relationship do you have? Please share them with us.

Developing a Positive Sentiment in the Marriage

How do you know when a troubled marriage really is going to be okay? What are signs that things are back on track?

One of the ways that we can tell when a couple is back on track is when they talk about each other and their relationship with a positive tone, softening problems or their partner’s mistakes with understanding and talk of “when we get through this …”

Jim and Joan struggled with many problems in their marriage including Joan’s affair 3 years ago. Jim was recently telling about a fight that they had and remarked that, in the past, he might have thought about this as a good reason to think about divorce; however, now he just thought about it as miscommunication and differences and something that they would have to figure out together.

Emily was relating a story about Tim’s forgetting yet one more of her birthdays. In the past, she would have been extremely mad, hurt and disappointed. She would have seen it as a sign that he no longer loved her and was very selfish. Now she is able to tease him a little, let it go and then let him know what she was buying her for a present and where he was taking her for a celebratory meal.

This “attitude of forgiveness and acceptance” allows couples to place a positive sentiment on what might have been seen as negative and hurtful behavior, lightening the feelings in the marriage and enhancing a “we-ness” and commitment to work through “normal” differences and challenges. This occurs when there are a lot of positives in the marriage and couples have an abundance of love, good will and positive feelings toward each other and their relationship. (John Gottman’s researched formula is 5 positives for every 1 negative.)

She just doesn't "get" me ...

Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.

Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.

Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.

Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”

You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.

Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.

If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.

If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.

Tip of the Week, April 28, 2008

Repair, repair, repair … any damage to your relationship while having a disagreement. Winning the argument is much less important than maintaining the friendship. Look for ways to let your partner know that you love him or her, even if you disagree with them. Find ways to use humor, loving comments and positivity while having an argument or disagreeing.

Tip of the Week, April 7, 2008

Make sure to notice and comment on the positive things that your partner does, especially the things that you have asked him or her to do. We are all more likely to repeat the things that we are told are good than to stop doing the things that we are scolded or criticized about.

Tip of the Week, March 17, 2008

Disagreement can be a good thing in a marriage. When couples don’t disagree, sometimes it might mean that they don’t care enough to talk with each other. Other times, it might mean that one or both of them doesn’t feel safe to truly express an opinion, disagree or stand up for him/herself. It is also possible that they never learned how to disagree while growing up ... either never seeing parents successfully handle conflict or being so volatile that it was frightening. Honor your differences and learn ways to talk about them in respectful ways.

Tip of the Week, March 10, 2008

Excuse your partner, even if you are sure that they do not deserve it.

Emotional Infidelity

Affairs that damage or destroy marriages do not have to involve sexual relations. Emotional attachments and infidelity can be as destructive. An emotional affair involves a mutual friendship with another person that is kept a secret from a spouse. It is not the same thing as a platonic friendship because it involves sharing personal information in a way that leads to stronger feelings with the friend than with a spouse or partner and has some element of sexual chemistry. There may not be a feeling of guilt at having done something wrong since there has not been sexual involvement

Emotional affairs develop from friendships with another person that deepen as knowledge and intimate information is exchanged. There often is no plan to develop feelings for someone else … they just happen with time and connection and may grow in even the most unlikely friendships. Most of the damage from the emotional affair occurs because of the secrecy, lies and the distance that grows as feelings of attraction and love are transferred from the spouse to this new person.

Some of the signs that might be evidence of an emotional affair are:

* Thinking more about “the friend” than your spouse.
* Noticing a change in feelings about your spouse as the friendship with the new person develops.
* Keeping secrets about this friendship from your spouse.
* Becoming defensive when this friend’s name is mentioned or lying about your connection.
* Having sexual thoughts or fantasies about this other person.
* Sharing personal secrets with this other person.
* Talking negatively about your marriage with “the friend”.
* Believing that your friend “gets you” in a way that your spouse does not.

You CAN Change Your Spouse

Some of the research shows that couples do adapt to each other over time and, in healthy relationships, they each have influence over the other.

So … what are the secrets that these couples have that help them to change each other? What do they do? What do they know about how to get their partner to change?

One of the first things that these couples realize is that you have to choose your battles wisely … and let go of the rest. What are the things that are most important to you? A neat house? Being on time? Helping with housework? Keeping you apprised of his or her schedule?

What can you let go of … The way that he chews his food? Interrupting you when you are telling a story? Her need to collect shoes? Make a conscious decision to let go of those behaviors and every time that you notice your spouse doing one of those things, find a way to just let it go. Think of a positive habit or attribute.

When you have decided what behavior that you would like for your partner to change, begin to notice when he or she is doing something different … when he puts his cup in the dishwasher, when she is ready on time …and make sure that you find a way to let your partner know that you notice those efforts.

Think about requesting small specific changes. You might not ask your wife to always be on time; however, you might ask her to find a way to be ready in time to leave for a certain event. You might not ask your husband to be neater all of the time; however, you might ask him to hang up his towel in the bathroom. Be sure to compliment and offer appreciation for those changes. You may not be thinking that you are asking for a lot … but for some this may be a very big change in habit.

Ask in a positive way. Use “I” statements like … “I would really appreciate it if you would just put your towels back on the rack after you shower, it would make my life easier and help me to feel appreciated.” Or “I know that you do not want to feel like you always have to check in with me; however, when you let me know about your plans after work … and an approximate time for when you would be home, then I did not worry … or call you a lot. I would really appreciate it if you would do that again.”

Tip of the Week, February 25, 2008

Acceptance promotes healthy relationships. Find ways to accept differences with your partner. You cannot change another person and many habits that may annoy you may not be worth getting upset about … or having a fight or even a conversation about. Find ways to accept your partner for who he/she is. It will make things easier for both of you.