Rebuilding the Friendship After an Affair

Because we specialize in relationships, we meet with a lot of couples. Many of those couples come to us because of infidelity.

The fallout and pain that come from an affair are many. Because of that, recovery from an affair is often more like a roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs than like an escalator with steady upward growth.

The hard work of recovery cannot be completed from a well of feelings full of anger and upset. Much of it must come from connection through love and a genuine desire to understand and repair damage to the relationship both during and before the affair.

We often encourage couples to find times to talk, question and share feelings about the betrayal on a regular basis but to limit that time to only a small percentage of their waking time together.

We help them to find ways to rebuild the friendship that brought them together so that the friendship can help them through the long talks about the affair and the relationship struggles.

Have dates. Take walks. Watch movies. Remember the good times in the past. Work together on household tasks. Plan weekends together. Spend time with friends … all ways to nurture the friendship as a foundation to guide the hard work through recovering from the affair.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Healing from Affairs

Affair Recovery: How Long Do We Have To Talk About This Affair!?!

Throughout our many years of counseling couples who are in the beginning stages of recovering from an affair, we have heard the question “How long do we have to talk about this?” many times.

Affairs are so hard on couples to work through, but not impossible. One research study reported that 70% of couples who experience an affair are able to work through the effects successfully.

There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have a lot to talk about.” So … the question for the therapist is often “how long DO we have to talk about the affair”?

The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally there are some guidelines:

For effective affair recovery: Talk about it whenever the hurt partner needs to … for the first few days.

After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to heal and recover.

Click on this link to read the rest of the article "Affair Recovery: How Long Do We Have To Talk About This Affair!?!"

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Healing from Affairs.com

Bad Marriages and Affairs

“Work is more important to him than I am. He works 60 hours a week, then heads to the gym and, finally, when he is home, he has a drink and then heads to bed. I needed love and knew he would never be available to me.”

"According to my wife, it would seem that I cannot do anything right. She is constantly nagging and complaining. I needed someone who would not treat me like that."


Do affairs cause bad marriages … or do bad marriages cause affairs?

All affairs can cause bad marriages but not all bad marriages cause affairs. In fact, some affairs happen in very good marriages. Having an affair, cheating on your spouse, is no way to solve problems in a marriage.

While it certainly can be true that problems in a marriage can lead to loneliness, unhappiness and sadness, making a decision to have an affair is the responsibility of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

There are many reasons why people have affairs.

Some reasons do have to do with the relationship while others are more about the person who is having the affair.

When couples have difficulty resolving conflict or problems between them, have a fear of intimacy or do not nurture and tend to the relationship, then feelings of loneliness and isolation grow and the ground becomes fertile for friendships to bleed over into more than a friendship with someone that you see frequently like a colleague, neighbor or friend.

Other times when an affair might develop are when one person is depressed or unhappy in the marriage. This can lead to a lot of complaining and negative conversation or withdrawal from a partner and life together which is very unappealing to any spouse. This might be a “chicken or egg”; however, because there are times when problems in the marriage lead to depression and unhappiness as well as times when depression or unhappiness with life events can lead to an unsatisfying marriage.

Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.

Being around friends who have or are having affairs can de-sensitize some to believe that it is accepted and okay to do as long as no one finds out about it.

Even in healthy marriages an affair can happen. It can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly. A friendship can develop into more as stories, experiences, feelings, secrets and life events are shared. 

Good people in decent marriages get caught in affairs if they are not aware of establishing healthy boundaries and rules with colleagues and friends. Social media has really opened up many possibilities for affairs to develop. Connecting with high school sweethearts and old lovers can bring on old, youthful feelings of lust and love that can catch fire and grow quickly.

Those who have multiple affairs are different.

Multiple affairs are different. They generally indicate personal problems with the person having affairs. Some people are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs, often by the same sex parent, and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings. The causes of multiple affairs are much more complicated.

In any of these cases, however, the marriage did not cause the affair. It may have laid the groundwork but the choice to cheat was one taken by the individual and complicates the problems in the marriage dramatically.

Affairs, the Hurting Spouse

Question:
I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. All of the advice that I read is to go slowly and not overreact. HOW CAN I NOT SCREAM, YELL, CRY AND THROW THE CHEATER OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

Response:
The advice that you have been given is good. Many a marriage that could have survived ended abruptly and with a quick reaction rather than a well-thought-out plan.

Finding ways to calm yourself as you talk through the experience … over days, weeks and months, will help your marriage and each of you as individuals. You will have an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself.

This is not easy and each person has to find ways to think clearly. It does not mean that you cannot let your spouse know how hurt, angry, disappointed and deceived you feel … in strong terms. It does mean that your marriage has a much greater chance to succeed and grow if you allow yourself and your spouse time to think through what has happened and work through it (mostly) calmly.

We would be interested in learning about your experiences in this time of first revelation of an affair. Please head over to our Healing from Affairs forum and share your experiences, comments, questions and successes.

Healing from Affairs

Check out our new resource and online counseling website, Healing from Affairs.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair. Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed. We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

Infidelity Damages Family Relationships

My husband’s parents know that I had an affair and they are very angry with me. I truly do not think that it is any of their business and I cannot understand why they are holding it against me since my husband and I are working things out and want to stay together. Should we just ignore it and act as if nothing had happened or should I avoid going to family gatherings since it seems to make them so upset? What is the best way to handle this?

This is truly a dilemma and there is no “right” answer. The way to handle this situation involves lots of thinking on your part and talking between you and your husband. Some of the questions to ask are:

· How important is it to me that I have a good relationship with my in-laws?
· How important is it to my spouse that I have a good relationship with them?
· How does this affect my relationship with my own children and our sense of a larger family?
· How would it affect my relationship with my husband if I did find a time to talk with his parents and apologize for hurting their son? After all, most likely they feel some betrayal and anger because I hurt their child.
· What affect would it have on me, and on my feelings about myself, if I did have this discussion with his parents, even if they have a hard time forgiving me?

These are not easy questions to answer and really are not the most important things to think about in the beginning. After several weeks, when you and your husband are calmer and a little more peaceful, then begin to think and talk about this.

Steve and Lisa struggled with just this problem. Lisa felt very close to her mother-in-law. Helen really was a better mother to Lisa than her own mother and when Helen found out what Lisa had done, she was initially very angry and then shut down and avoided her. Lisa finally worked up the courage to call Helen and asked her just to listen for a few minutes.

Lisa was able to talk about her own mistakes without sharing any of the problems in the marriage or placing any of the blame on Steve. She told Helen that she was not asking for immediate forgiveness but invited her to just think about it. She told her that she loved her very much and was terribly sorry that she had hurt her son and also his family.

Later that week, Helen stopped by to bring some things for the children and she and Lisa were able to hug and cry together. It still took several months for the two women to feel that the rupture had been healed; however, Helen respected Lisa’s courage and maturity to acknowledge and take full responsibility for her mistake. She also saw that Lisa and Steve worked hard to put the pieces of the marriage back together. Helen now says that she holds a great deal of respect for her daughter-in-law and believes that their relationship was able to deepen because of, or in spite of, this experience.

Infidelity: Do you love him or her?

One question that is often asked is “Were/Are you in love with this other person?” We fully understand the desire to have an honest and open answer to this question, but this is often much more complicated than a simple yes or no answer.

When there is a secret affair occurring, those caught in the throes of passion, newness and excitement often believe that they are experiencing love, when, in fact, it may be more about a change in brain chemistry that is stimulated by something new and exciting. Fantasies, coupled with furtive meetings and new and stimulating conversation and contact, fuel the increased adrenaline and general feelings of pleasure, happiness and lust that can often be misinterpreted as “love”. While in this state, people often believe that they have found the one true person for them and their lives and it is not until some time later that the whole picture can provide a clearer perspective for them.

Thus comes the question that many want answered … “Are/Were you in love with this other person?” The answer in the moment may be a protective “no”, a serious “no” or a hurtful “yes” which may be true only for that moment. This may be a question that is better asked, and answered, at a much later time and after there has been a lot of conversation between the couple about their own relationship.

Infidelity: How Much Do I Need to Disclose?

When someone has had an affair, or multiple affairs, the last thing that they want to do is to talk about it and to tell the stories, and yet, that is an important part of healing.

In the early stages of recovery from an affair, the only details that are important are the answers to who, what, when and where. Answers should be clear and specific about meetings, timetables, protected or unprotected sex, etc. The offending partner does not need to volunteer information at this point and the hurting partner should only ask questions that he or she truly wants answered.

Later in the process, and hopefully with the assistance of a competent and skilled couples’ therapist, a deeper understanding of the affair can be discovered. This process will answer questions about both the person who had the affair and the problems and feelings in the marriage before the affair.

Some of the questions about the affair involve the thinking of the person who had the affair such as: When did he/she recognize that there was a developing attraction or feeling for this other person? What was their thinking about this person and how this relationship would affect the marriage? How did they think that their spouse would feel about this friendship? Did this affair develop with a co-worker or someone that they would normally see on a regular basis? How did it move from a working relationship to something more? What were some of the experiences, thoughts and or feelings that happened in the affair that would be helpful to cultivate in the marriage?

Some of the questions to answer about the context of the marriage before the affair developed are: What was the status of connection (conversation and physical) in the relationship? How do you resolve, or not resolve, conflict? Do you have a healthy sex life? What are the conversations that you need to have, but do not, in your marriage? What are the guidelines that you have in your marriage about friendships with the opposite sex? What do you both need to do to stay connected to each other, talk about difficult problems and work through them, and to also recognize and acknowledge normal observations of others while maintaining a clear boundary around the marriage.

Stand By Her Man?

Why does she stay with him?
How can she do that?

These are the questions that we are hearing often as yet another public figure is in the media for infidelity. From Bill and Hillary Clinton through Eliot and Silda Spitzer, many public figures have been filmed making public statements with their wives by their sides. We see many other couples who really stand together, with a great deal of pain, but with love and commitment and find ways to survive … often thrive, in spite of tremendous betrayal and hurt.

Jim Cramer, the economics guru, was being interviewed this morning by Meredith Viera on the Today Show about the 416 point stock surge on the stock market yesterday. She then asked him about his close friends, Eliot and Silda Spitzer. They have been friends since Harvard Law School. Cramer’s eyes teared up and his voice was clearly in great pain as he then talked for several minutes about how much he loves this man … and his wife … and 2 days after the announcement, he still has trouble believing it.

We can not go inside the heads, hearts or marriages of others. Many people will say with clear conviction, “If he (or she) betrays me, then the marriage is over.” and yet, when faced with that problem, their thoughts and feelings are rarely that certain. Spouses stick together for many different reasons, love not being the only one. Often there are many other factors: children, time together, history of the relationship, money, family, religion, political futures are just some of those reasons.

Many marriages do come out significantly better … we have been privileged to be witnesses to these spouses as they courageously work through these incredible difficulties. Not all of these marriages can be saved; however, … and yet we respect a great deal, these women who chose not to give up so quickly.

Couples Can Recover From Affairs

Learning that your partner has been unfaithful, sexually or emotionally, feels like a punch in the stomach. Often the first reaction is to kick out the cheating spouse, tell everyone about how “wronged” you have been and see an attorney about a divorce.

Our advice to you … step back, cry, be angry, talk things over with a “safe” person like a therapist, a person in a helping profession … or someone that might be “for” your marriage. Let a little time pass before making any kind of decision.

Many of the couples that we see have actually called the revelation of the affair a “gift” to their marriage. Generally, affairs do not happen in strong marriages, although that can sometimes be the case. Often couples have grown apart because their attention has been turned elsewhere … to work, children, alcohol, activities … or one or the other has not been able to talk out loud about things that bother them. When someone is not allowed … or does not give themselves permission to talk out loud about things that bother them, they can build up walls of anger, hurt and resentment that turn them away from their spouse and toward another person.

After the initial aftermath of the disclosure, and if this is not a relationship where there have been multiple affairs, couples can then look at the issues that brought them to the space in their relationship that “eased the way” for the affair to develop. This “wake-up call” often helps couples then learn how to talk more openly with each other about what they want and need in their relationship, discover ways to handle conflict effectively, turn more to each other and away from other interests, renew their sex life and develop more positivity in their relationship.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are things that couples can do together to make sure that they each remain faithful in the marriage.

* First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship. Find ways to keep it interesting and nurturing. (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)
* Keep your sex life active.
* Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners. Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
* Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.
* Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive. Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information. Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.
* If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know. This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret. Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person. Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.
* If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse. If that does not help, ask for couples counseling. If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.

Emotional Infidelity

Affairs that damage or destroy marriages do not have to involve sexual relations. Emotional attachments and infidelity can be as destructive. An emotional affair involves a mutual friendship with another person that is kept a secret from a spouse. It is not the same thing as a platonic friendship because it involves sharing personal information in a way that leads to stronger feelings with the friend than with a spouse or partner and has some element of sexual chemistry. There may not be a feeling of guilt at having done something wrong since there has not been sexual involvement

Emotional affairs develop from friendships with another person that deepen as knowledge and intimate information is exchanged. There often is no plan to develop feelings for someone else … they just happen with time and connection and may grow in even the most unlikely friendships. Most of the damage from the emotional affair occurs because of the secrecy, lies and the distance that grows as feelings of attraction and love are transferred from the spouse to this new person.

Some of the signs that might be evidence of an emotional affair are:

* Thinking more about “the friend” than your spouse.
* Noticing a change in feelings about your spouse as the friendship with the new person develops.
* Keeping secrets about this friendship from your spouse.
* Becoming defensive when this friend’s name is mentioned or lying about your connection.
* Having sexual thoughts or fantasies about this other person.
* Sharing personal secrets with this other person.
* Talking negatively about your marriage with “the friend”.
* Believing that your friend “gets you” in a way that your spouse does not.

How A Cheating Spouse Can Regain Trust

Often there are problems in a marriage before an affair begins; however, in order for trust to rebuild, it is important to address the infidelity before spending a great deal of time on the marital problems. There are several reasons for this, the most important being that the “hurting” partner will not be in any shape to hear about their mistakes until they can believe that their spouse has heard them and understands how painful this “solution” was to them and to the relationship. This is sort of like the idea that, if you injure your body, you have to stop the bleeding before you can treat the wound.

The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.

The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.

It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.

Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.

As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.

Telling the Story of the Affair

Couples often ask us how much information needs to be revealed; and how can the hurt person find out the information without feeling like a detective with a prisoner. The person who had the affair usually does not want to talk about it, often out of embarrassment and guilt. They also are often sad or hurt by problems in the marriage and want to find a way for a quick healing process. On-going questioning might hurt any possibility that the couple may have for renewing the friendship that initially got them together and greased the way for them to fall in love with each other.

It is important to remember that one of the hardest parts of the affair is the secrecy. The secret provides distance and a wall between the couple that may seem hard to penetrate … and it is only with openness and sharing that true intimacy can occur. While it is often hard for the one who has had an affair to be open about it … opening up can also feel good since it is very hard to carry such a secret around and try to live two lives. For the one who has been hurt, there is no way to truly have trust again if secrets remain. How can someone be trusted if he or she continues to hold secrets?

Initially, it is important to just stick with basic facts: who was the affairee, when did it begin and end, where did they meet, is the affair over and what, if any, contact are they currently having. As time goes on and the couple develops deeper intimacy, it will be important to reveal more information about the affair, the motivation for the affair, the emotional connection and how the spouse opened him- or herself up to this event.

These difficult questions are truly best answered in a calm and neutral setting and with the help of a competent therapist. Developing trust after such a significant breach takes time, motivation, commitment and a lot of hard work. It is not a smooth path with clear guidelines and markers, rather it is more like a roller coaster with highs and lows and lots of scares. We strongly recommend that you get some professional help with this journey. If your spouse will not join you … explore it alone.

I Love My Spouse … But I Am Not IN LOVE With My Spouse

This is a statement that we hear regularly from people who are trying to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. Often people do not understand that feelings of love change over time and the intensity of feelings rarely stays the same.

I remember hearing in high school during a psychology class that there may be at least 25 people nearby with whom we could have a loving and happy relationship. Many of these people we might well consider “soul-mates” because of the chemistry we might feel and the things we would have in common. Of course, you cannot be married to all 25 … how exhausting would that be!

When the “normal” change in intensity of feelings happens, do not be surprised. When others seem attractive and curiosity about a different relationship emerges in your brain … consider it normal.

Recognize that having those thoughts and feelings are predictable … and no reason to end a marriage. There are lots of ways to reconnect to your spouse … and lots of ways to recover those feelings.

Visit our website (CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com) for some ideas for how to reconnect and fall back in love. Add your own comments here. We would love to hear from you.

Help!... I have just learned that my partner is having an affair.

We have been seeing many people this month who have been shaken by the stress of an affair. The one having the affair often feels conflicted about the marriage, frequently believing that they have found their “soul-mate”, the person with whom they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives. The “hurt” spouse is often so hurt and devastated that they quickly react out of that pain of hurt, betrayal and anger.

Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :

Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.

As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.

Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.

As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.

Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.

There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/

Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.

Infidelity: The Hurting Spouse, What Can I Do?

It is common for both spouses to feel a great deal of anxiety and depression, sometimes even suicidal thoughts, after the affair has been uncovered or revealed. The crisis of infidelity shakes even the strongest people and the reactions are like any traumatic event. The hurting spouse moves through feelings of despair, despondence, fear, anger and rage. The initial responses may range from the desire to do anything to save the marriage with a desperate pursuit of their spouse to insistence that their spouse immediately leave the house and plans to file for divorce. The stronger the trust, the greater the surprise and that generally leads to the most intense reactions.

The spouse who has had the affair generally feels a great deal of guilt and remorse, although that may not be what comes out of his or her mouth. Initially the response may be defensive ones that blame the marriage as the reason for the affair. This person, if there has been an emotional connection with the affaire, also may feel some ambivalence about ending that relationship and hurting the other person. There generally is no desire to talk about the specifics of the affair, both to protect their spouse as well as to protect themselves.

Most couples that experience an affair … and both decide that they want to save the marriage, can recover. Many even say that their marriage is stronger and better than it ever was; however, healing from infidelity can take a very long time (one to two years) and a lot of open communication, damage repair and eventual forgiveness. If there has been more than one affair, the reasons for the infidelity are often more complicated and recovery can be more complicated, but not impossible.

The first thing that the couple needs to do is to acknowledge that there has been this crisis, that it is a very painful time and that they must find a way to calm down and make decisions deliberately and in their own best interests, not as a reaction to the traumatic event. This is one of the times where guidance from a competent therapist who has skill and knowledge with recovery from infidelity is a valuable resource. This is one of the areas that John and Sally have worked with extensively and would be glad to help you and spouse as you focus on this problem … and your marriage.

How Can I Tell if My Spouse Is Cheating?

There are no clear-cut signs … other than finding your partner with a paramour … that are fool-proof; however, when there are changes in your partner and the marriage there are often some indicators that infidelity may be an issue. Some of these indicators are:

The obvious indicators include: late hours, a change in routine, secretive phone calls and e-mails, much more attention to grooming, dieting and exercise, a rush to the shower immediately after coming home, the smell of perfume or cologne, more mentioning of an opposite sex co-worker or no mention of one that was mentioned before.

A feeling of distance with your spouse. Where you once may have talked about what was going on in each other’s lives, you find that your partner is less available to do that. You have more difficulty in every day communication … reaching your partner by cell phone or at the office.

A change in attitude. Your partner may once have been friendly and now seems more abrupt or disrespectful and may even appear to pick fights with you.

A definite moodiness about your partner, times of seeming to be very happy coupled with times of seeming depressed, sad or unhappy.

A change in frequency of sexual relations, either a definite lack of sexual involvement or significantly more and an interest in trying new or different things in the bedroom

Your intuition or “gut” tells you that something is wrong.

Others close to you two may also mention that there seems to be a difference with your spouse.

What Makes It So Hard To Remain Faithful To Your Spouse?

The causes of infidelity are complicated and can happen in good marriages as well as struggling ones.

Many affairs develop in marriages where couples have drifted apart because they have avoided conflict and resolving problems, are fearful of intimacy or have just not tended to the necessary feeding that a marital relationship requires. They can also occur when one person is depressed, unhappy in the marriage or within a social group where affairs are condoned. Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.

In healthy marriages, it can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly and with whom a friendship develops into more as stories, experiences and life events are shared.

Multiple affairs generally indicate some personal problems with the person having affairs. Some are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs often by the same sex parent and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings.

Emotional affairs may not involve a sexual relationship (intercourse); however they do involve secrecy from the spouse and sharing of intimate details in each other’s lives and can be as destructive, often even more so, than sexual affairs. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs, men are more likely to have sexual affairs.

Internet affairs are becoming more and more common. With today’s technology and easy access to others with similar interests or problems … as well as the opportunity to see “what is out there” in the single world, people can become emotionally open to another in ways that distance them from their spouse and the marriage.

Infidelity

The revelation of infidelity can be one of the most painful things that happen in a marriage.
Once the secret has been uncovered, couples face tumultuous emotions and a series of high intensity exchanges and crises. Many marriages do, however, recover from the revelation of an affair. In fact, one recent study revealed that 70% of couples who said that they wanted to find a way to save their marriage, reported that they had succeeded and had a healty marriage.

Often both partners express the opinion, months, sometimes years down the road that, in some crazy way, the affair was a “gift” for the marriage as they have become stronger and recovered or developed the skills required for true intimacy.

The erosion of trust because of the secrecy involved in the affair is often one of the hardest parts as couples experience a breach of faith and recovering that trust can often take years of hard work by both members of the couple before they finally can say that their marriage has healed and the trust has been rebuilt.

Statistics of infidelity are hard to get since this is also about secrecy. One source reported that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands had been unfaithful in their marriage. Another source reports much higher statistics, stating that 30-60% of adults in the United States will be unfaithful at some point in their marriage. Infidelity happens in troubled marriages and it also happens in healthy marriages and can grow as people become friends and later develop more connection and closeness with co-workers or friends in their social network.

We hope to address issues of infidelity in later blogs, such as:
The Causes
The Signs Of Infidelity
Sexual Affairs and Emotional Affairs
Couples Can Recover
What The Cheating Spouse Can Do
How To Let Go Of Some Of The Anger
Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
Reading Resources

Please share you thoughts, ideas, questions and concerns by commenting on this blog.