"Not In Love Anymore"

Staying in love throughout a marriage does not happen automatically.  Sometimes feelings of love just seem to evaporate.

As marriage counselors we frequently hear these words “I love him (her) but I am NOT IN LOVE with him (her). In this blog post, we want to share with you the reasons why people make this statement and say that they are not in love any more.

Why DO people fall out of love?  

It is upsetting to become aware of these feelings, "not in love" and really not know how this developed or what with what to do to fall BACK in love.

A lot of people contact Couples Counseling of Louisville and Counseling Relationships Online.com about love and marriage.  They report that they have fallen out of love with their spouse, or believe that their spouse is no longer in love with them.

The words we often hear are “I love him (her) but I am not in love with him (her),” most often with a disbelief that these feelings can change. One of the places to start is to begin to understand a little about how those feelings eroded within the marriage. 

Click here to read the rest of the article "Not In Love Anymore".

How Can People Stay “In Love” Throughout Their Marriage?

Most people who get married believe that they will stay in love forever … that nature will just take its course and spouses will continue to feel the wonderful love that they felt through the courtship and early marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Most people, in most marriages, find that they have times of feeling more in love than others and there are definitely times when they may not feel much love at all. It is also true that it is very easy to find yourself attracted to someone else … I mean, that is human nature to notice and appreciate others.

Those who recognize the “normal” gees and haws of marriage are more easily able to get past them quickly. Staying in love, seeing the positives in your partner and your marriage and focusing on them more than the bad helps keep the loving thoughts alive. Acting in loving ways with intimacy and fun, talking in nurturing and caring ways, all help as well. Here are some of our ideas about what you can do to help keep the love in your marriage.

Recognize that staying in love does not happen automatically. You cannot put it on autopilot. Keeping it has to be a priority in your marriage. It should not take a lot of work, but will require some effort.

Find a time or two during each day to think about your spouse, maybe look at a picture, and remember why you love him or her.

At the end of every day, talk together about three things that you really like and appreciate about each other and about the relationship.

Have regular rituals together where you celebrate your relationship and each other. These rituals may include lighting a candle and sharing a cup of tea every night after the children are in bed, a weekly date night, Sunday morning breakfast in bed. Rituals help to hold couples together.

Talk together about the future on a regular basis … both about the near future such as the weekend or a home project, a vacation that you want to take, etc. and also about far into the future as you think about retirement and growing old together.

Have a mind-set for yourself and a pact with your spouse that you want to stay in love and that all problems have a solution. Some may take a while to solve and some may require a professional “consultant” but together, you can figure anything out.

Seven Special Date Ideas

Couples must continue dating throughout marriage. It is important for connection, nurturing and romance. It reminds people not to take each other for granted. Dates lead to many deposits of love and good will in the emotional bank account so that when normal problems arise, it is easier to work through them. Most couples can figure out regular dates like dinner and a movie. Here are some suggestions that we have for putting a little more verve and interest in a marriage. We welcome ideas from you as well.

1. Re-create your first date. Try to remember what you were wearing and look for something similar to wear (unless you have been successful at keeping your youthful figure). Go to the same places, put on a cd with music of that era, see if you can remember your conversations from earlier dating days.

2. Renew your wedding vows. Visit the location where you were first married, alone or invite others. Sit in the back of the church, on a blanket near the chapel, somewhere close by. Share your vows with each other and then have a celebratory meal, maybe go dancing, and reminisce about that day.

3. Too expensive and complicated to get a sitter? You can still have special dates. Make a combined effort to get the children in their rooms and settled for the evening, pop some popcorn and put in a movie from your past. Talk about the what was happening in your relationship when you first saw that movie. Think about ways that you can bring some of those same things back into your relationship now.

4. Plan to go somewhere and do something different that neither of you have ever done before. Go a little outside of your comfort zone. Eat new foods, try a different activity, listen to music that is unusual for the two of you. Dress up or dress down. Be completely different and adventurous. Break the old routine and see what new information this reveals about your spouse.

5. Do something for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, take food to shut-ins, volunteer to repair homes with a community agency, work on a project in your neighborhood. Notice the positive feelings that you have about yourselves and each other as you help others.

6. Plan a sensual (not sexual) evening. Light candles, wear perfume or cologne. Plan a massage that is only for relaxation and becoming reacquainted with each other’s bodies. Commit to having no more than a sensual experience. Take the pressure off for a sexual encounter, instead use it to become more connected in a pleasure-giving way.

7. Pretend that you are just meeting for a first date. Make every effort to look really nice. Be charming in a way that you would with a new acquaintance. Ask lots of questions about each other, likes, dislikes, dreams, fears. Make every effort to be curious and inquisitive as you would with anyone that you would like to impress.

Falling In and Out of Love

The way that most people get to our blog these days is through searching out words such as “no longer in love,” “why do people fall out of love” “why do people stop trying” and other variations on this dilemma. We also meet with many couples where one or both of the partners are struggling with recapturing old feelings of love. What a painful time for both people … and it presents such a struggle.

Trying to recapture those feelings of love can be like insomnia … the harder that you try to fall asleep … the more awake you feel. The harder that you try to fall back in love, the more you may notice times of not feeling in love. The more that you try to push those thoughts and feelings of distance out of your mind, the more present that they seem.

The more someone struggles with these feelings, the harder it becomes for the spouse because she, or he, feels that distance and the natural inclination is to try to pull their partner closer. Then the pursuit begins and couples engage in a dance that involves one trying to get closer and the closer that one tries, the more that their spouse pulls back as he or she feels pressure.

Bill and Sandy struggled with this when their children were very young and both were working a lot of hours. It seemed that there was no time to devote to their relationship and they felt distance develop. Both were also tired a lot of the time and their conversations frequently turned to nagging and complaining about the common couple issues of housework, child care, money and sex.

Many of their problems were never resolved but they also continued to surface and slowly but surely their goodwill and friendship eroded. Neither of them wanted to give up on the marriage, mainly because of the children, but both agreed that they had lost feelings of passion and love for each other. When one of them wanted to try, the other had little interest and they just became more stuck and more unhappy.

Bill was the one to finally decide that he needed to do whatever it took to change things in the marriage; however, even with the many changes that he made, it took Sandy months to notice or acknowledge them. He found the courage and patience to persist; however, and made the many changes that he knew she wanted. He focused on rebuilding their friendship, not pressuring her, just being open to her much slower progress.

Both are in a much better place today … and can look back on this time as one that might affect many couples at their stage of life. They are very glad for themselves, as well as their children, that they were able to hang in and turn things around.

Do you have stories to tell about your change of feelings … or of your spouse? Please share them with us.

Love Is A Choice

Have you seen the widely circulated email about making the choice to have a good or bad day? It starts out like this:

“John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!' He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

“Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

“He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or ... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

“'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

“'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'”

Love can also be a choice. You can wake up in the morning and choose to think about the bad things about your partner and everything that you do not like about him or her or you can choose to think about the good things about your partner, the things that you like and want to continue.

You can choose to think about the problems in your relationship as ones that may be fairly normal and ones that the two of you must work together to solve. You can choose to recognize some of the differences as normal ones that many couples face.

You can choose to let go of some of the small things as differences that you have to accept about your spouse or you can choose to let them build up until you are monumentally unhappy. You can choose to evaluate differences and decide which ones need to be talked about and worked through and which ones need to be just accepted as differences between you.

Couples in long-term healthy relationships say that they have seen each stress as something that they have to get through together rather than as something that might end their marriage. The view and attitude that you have colors your feelings. You have a choice in how you view your relationship.

Tip of the week of March 31, 2008

Look for 3 times today to connect with your partner for just 60 seconds. Give him a long kiss, send her a sweet text message, give him a hug, make a quick phone call, fix her a cup of tea … just 60 seconds, 3 times today.

Stop the Pursuit!

A common response to feeling distance from your partner is to try to get them to reconnect. Some suggest dates, push for conversation and affection, cry because they feel hurt, complain about loneliness, nag about intervening “culprits” such as work, friends, sports, family, etc. Even though this may be done with the best of intentions and from a sad rather than angry place, it often engenders feelings of being trapped or pursued and this then can lead to even more distance.

Some people in relationships find that they have a need for space more than others. It might be indicative of a problem … or might be just a need for more autonomy and alone time. While it certainly can feel scary for one who is waiting and wanting connection, trying to make it happen is the last thing that you want to do.

Think of this concept sort of like the game you played as a child … the person who was “it” chased after you … and every time that they did, you ran away. That is the same thing that happens in relationships … when you chase after someone, the tendency is to run away.

Instead of a pursuit, think of this as a time to focus on yourself. Look for ways to improve your own goals in life. At the same time, be sure that you are very positive with your partner, talking a lot about what you like and enjoy about him/her and the relationship as well as being available for the invitations offered to you. When you notice positive steps toward you, be sure to share appreciation … and then be quiet.

Please share your thoughts about this idea.

Tip of the Week, March 3, 2008

Do something that your partner really wants you to do, even if you find it to be boring or silly. Do it in a way that your partner believes that you are enjoying it … because it means that you get to spend time together and makes him or her happy. Your partner will know that you do not really enjoy that activity … but the fact that you are doing it willingly and cheerfully, especially when it is sincere, will score big points for the relationship.

How Can I Get Him To Talk To Me?

So many women would love to hear more from their men … about their day, about their friendships, about their hopes and dreams and about what is bothering them. Often men are just not as verbal as women … so what is a woman to do?

Here are some tips to try.

* See this as a long-term project, not necessarily something that will happen quickly. Notice and appreciate each small step.

* Focus a great deal on his positives and the positives of the relationship. A lot of men say that they do not talk because they fear criticism. After you have created an atmosphere of positively, men are more likely to open up.

* Share a little bit about yourself. Talk about your day, your struggles, your dreams … and then just be quiet. Some people … often men … formulate what they are going to say in their head before saying it out loud. Give him time to do that.

* Ask simple questions like “Anything interesting happen at work today?” or “How was the boss today? Give anyone a hard time?” The questions should be ones that would not be too loaded. Ask only one or two questions, not a lot … and just be quiet to give him a chance to respond.

* Think about this … while more people feel better about talking about what bothers them, some feel worse. Your man just may be one of them. Let him lead the way.

* Look for times around an activity to begin the conversation … on a walk, driving in the car without the children, sitting at the table over coffee after dinner … or invite him to join you for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop.

* When he does talk, do not offer advice or comments, just listen …and ask questions to get a better understanding.

* Let him know that you enjoyed hearing about his day, that it really helps you to know and love him even more.

Recipe for a Healthy Marriage

5 ounces of positive affirmations and gratitude
*Tell your partner all of the things that you like about him … and about your relationship together. Incorporate hugs, kisses and non-sexual touching.

4 ounces of open communication.
* Share what is going on in your life … at work, with friends. Let her know about your hopes and dreams.
* If there is something going on that bothers you, find a way to let her know rather than bottle it up and keep it inside.
* Be curious and inquisitive about your partner‘s life as well … and listen very carefully.

2 ounces of time alone together.
* Create your shelter and be alone together.
* Find a way to have a protected date every week, (even if you do not go anywhere).
* Develop a regular ritual each day where you spend a few minutes and just check in with each other.

1 ounce of sharing the load.
* Work together with housework and caring for the children.

Romantic Tip Number Two

Buy a journal and begin to record special moments together. Open the journal up every few weeks, read what has happened and add to it. Every anniversary ... read the past year ... maybe visit other years ... and begin a new page.

Tip of the Week, February 4, 2008

Learn a new activity together. Learn ballroom dancing, tennis, golf, scuba diving. Start taking a yoga class together, join a neighborhood group, start an investment club. Brainstorm ideas for activities that you can join … and enjoy … together

Strengthen Your Relationship by Giving To Others

We have just returned from a trip to Mississippi to help families affected by Hurricane Katrina. This is our 7th trip there and we continue to be strongly impacted by the pain those families still feel. Even though it has been nearly 2 ½ years since the hurricane, the stories that we hear from the people that we meet are told as if the hurricane just happened. We watch as their eyes look toward the sky and the pain and tears appear on their faces.

One young mother pointed out marks in her ceiling where the family’s dining room table hit against it while she and her 2 children and neighbors were seeking safety in the attic. Another couple and their disabled adult son, still living in a tiny trailer, were so glad to be able to have help so that they could move into their home.

On this trip we spent time helping a single woman with her home. She received some insurance money so had been able to have some of the work done on her home; but had spent much of her free time, when she was not teaching, helping others less fortunate with their homes. She could not believe that someone would help her.

Where ever we go we are called “angels”. The gratitude of those living there is so strong. We are told that our presence alone brings hope to those living there … They are reminded that others care for them. They have not been forgotten.

Giving to others as an individual … as a couple … or as a family … is a wonderful way to put life and problems in a healthier perspective. Sharing positive experiences builds connection to each other. Learning new skills, like hanging drywall or how to frame a window, brings an increase in self-confidence. Watching others who have survived significant difficulties … and continue to be hopeful gives strength and hope that you can also survive challenging times.

I Love My Spouse … But I Am Not IN LOVE With My Spouse

This is a statement that we hear regularly from people who are trying to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. Often people do not understand that feelings of love change over time and the intensity of feelings rarely stays the same.

I remember hearing in high school during a psychology class that there may be at least 25 people nearby with whom we could have a loving and happy relationship. Many of these people we might well consider “soul-mates” because of the chemistry we might feel and the things we would have in common. Of course, you cannot be married to all 25 … how exhausting would that be!

When the “normal” change in intensity of feelings happens, do not be surprised. When others seem attractive and curiosity about a different relationship emerges in your brain … consider it normal.

Recognize that having those thoughts and feelings are predictable … and no reason to end a marriage. There are lots of ways to reconnect to your spouse … and lots of ways to recover those feelings.

Visit our website (CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com) for some ideas for how to reconnect and fall back in love. Add your own comments here. We would love to hear from you.

Can we fall back in love?

I love him but I am not in love with him.

We seem to have lost that spark and I do not have those same feelings for her any more.

We seem to be just roommates … and have lost the good feelings that we once had.

Those are words … and feelings … that go through the minds and hearts of almost all of those who are involved in long-term relationships. It is rare for both parties in a couple to have those same, warm and connected feelings all of the time. And, yes, it is possible to fall back in love with your spouse.

Sometimes, hearing those words from a spouse can mean an affair …either emotionally or sexually. An attraction to someone else brings excitement and a marital partner generally cannot measure up to the thrill of newness and interest. If infidelity is the issue, the challenges are much more complex and we will share some thoughts about that on another thread.

Often these feeling and thoughts; however, are more about taking each other for granted, devoting more time to career, children, social lives or other activities that prevent prioritizing the marriage and nurturing the couple relationship. When partners do not nurture their relationship, they tend to become distant and feel more lonely and isolated.

Some will decide that this is reason enough for a divorce. One research study, however, noted that couples who do stay together and find a way to bring their marriage back to life, report happiness 5 years later with appreciation for having found a way to stay together.

So …
How do you try to bring those feelings back? It certainly helps if more than one of you are working on this, however, even one person can make a difference in the relationship. Here are a few ideas to help you begin to turn things around.

· Look at pictures of happier times together and reminisce about those experiences together.
· Every day, think about one good characteristic about your spouse that you really like and admire. Try to remember specific things that he or she has done to demonstrate that characteristic. Ponder on that one all day. The next day, choose another one. Tell your partner about your appreciation for that characteristic.
· Schedule dates with each other and make sure that they are occasions when you do not talk about any problems, just about what has happened during the day, weekend plans, etc.
· Only talk about your spouse and your life in good ways to family and friends.
· Reignite your sexual relationship.

Do you have other ideas for things that you have done that worked for you … or for others that you know? If so … please add those to our comments section for others to see as well.