There are things that couples can do together to make sure that they each remain faithful in the marriage.
* First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship. Find ways to keep it interesting and nurturing. (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)
* Keep your sex life active.
* Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners. Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
* Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.
* Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive. Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information. Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.
* If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know. This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret. Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person. Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.
* If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse. If that does not help, ask for couples counseling. If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.
Showing posts with label emotional affair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional affair. Show all posts
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Emotional Infidelity
Affairs that damage or destroy marriages do not have to involve sexual relations. Emotional attachments and infidelity can be as destructive. An emotional affair involves a mutual friendship with another person that is kept a secret from a spouse. It is not the same thing as a platonic friendship because it involves sharing personal information in a way that leads to stronger feelings with the friend than with a spouse or partner and has some element of sexual chemistry. There may not be a feeling of guilt at having done something wrong since there has not been sexual involvement
Emotional affairs develop from friendships with another person that deepen as knowledge and intimate information is exchanged. There often is no plan to develop feelings for someone else … they just happen with time and connection and may grow in even the most unlikely friendships. Most of the damage from the emotional affair occurs because of the secrecy, lies and the distance that grows as feelings of attraction and love are transferred from the spouse to this new person.
Some of the signs that might be evidence of an emotional affair are:
* Thinking more about “the friend” than your spouse.
* Noticing a change in feelings about your spouse as the friendship with the new person develops.
* Keeping secrets about this friendship from your spouse.
* Becoming defensive when this friend’s name is mentioned or lying about your connection.
* Having sexual thoughts or fantasies about this other person.
* Sharing personal secrets with this other person.
* Talking negatively about your marriage with “the friend”.
* Believing that your friend “gets you” in a way that your spouse does not.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Telling the Story of the Affair
Couples often ask us how much information needs to be revealed; and how can the hurt person find out the information without feeling like a detective with a prisoner. The person who had the affair usually does not want to talk about it, often out of embarrassment and guilt. They also are often sad or hurt by problems in the marriage and want to find a way for a quick healing process. On-going questioning might hurt any possibility that the couple may have for renewing the friendship that initially got them together and greased the way for them to fall in love with each other.
It is important to remember that one of the hardest parts of the affair is the secrecy. The secret provides distance and a wall between the couple that may seem hard to penetrate … and it is only with openness and sharing that true intimacy can occur. While it is often hard for the one who has had an affair to be open about it … opening up can also feel good since it is very hard to carry such a secret around and try to live two lives. For the one who has been hurt, there is no way to truly have trust again if secrets remain. How can someone be trusted if he or she continues to hold secrets?
Initially, it is important to just stick with basic facts: who was the affairee, when did it begin and end, where did they meet, is the affair over and what, if any, contact are they currently having. As time goes on and the couple develops deeper intimacy, it will be important to reveal more information about the affair, the motivation for the affair, the emotional connection and how the spouse opened him- or herself up to this event.
These difficult questions are truly best answered in a calm and neutral setting and with the help of a competent therapist. Developing trust after such a significant breach takes time, motivation, commitment and a lot of hard work. It is not a smooth path with clear guidelines and markers, rather it is more like a roller coaster with highs and lows and lots of scares. We strongly recommend that you get some professional help with this journey. If your spouse will not join you … explore it alone.
It is important to remember that one of the hardest parts of the affair is the secrecy. The secret provides distance and a wall between the couple that may seem hard to penetrate … and it is only with openness and sharing that true intimacy can occur. While it is often hard for the one who has had an affair to be open about it … opening up can also feel good since it is very hard to carry such a secret around and try to live two lives. For the one who has been hurt, there is no way to truly have trust again if secrets remain. How can someone be trusted if he or she continues to hold secrets?
Initially, it is important to just stick with basic facts: who was the affairee, when did it begin and end, where did they meet, is the affair over and what, if any, contact are they currently having. As time goes on and the couple develops deeper intimacy, it will be important to reveal more information about the affair, the motivation for the affair, the emotional connection and how the spouse opened him- or herself up to this event.
These difficult questions are truly best answered in a calm and neutral setting and with the help of a competent therapist. Developing trust after such a significant breach takes time, motivation, commitment and a lot of hard work. It is not a smooth path with clear guidelines and markers, rather it is more like a roller coaster with highs and lows and lots of scares. We strongly recommend that you get some professional help with this journey. If your spouse will not join you … explore it alone.
Friday, January 25, 2008
I Love My Spouse … But I Am Not IN LOVE With My Spouse
This is a statement that we hear regularly from people who are trying to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. Often people do not understand that feelings of love change over time and the intensity of feelings rarely stays the same.
I remember hearing in high school during a psychology class that there may be at least 25 people nearby with whom we could have a loving and happy relationship. Many of these people we might well consider “soul-mates” because of the chemistry we might feel and the things we would have in common. Of course, you cannot be married to all 25 … how exhausting would that be!
When the “normal” change in intensity of feelings happens, do not be surprised. When others seem attractive and curiosity about a different relationship emerges in your brain … consider it normal.
Recognize that having those thoughts and feelings are predictable … and no reason to end a marriage. There are lots of ways to reconnect to your spouse … and lots of ways to recover those feelings.
Visit our website (CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com) for some ideas for how to reconnect and fall back in love. Add your own comments here. We would love to hear from you.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Help!... I have just learned that my partner is having an affair.
We have been seeing many people this month who have been shaken by the stress of an affair. The one having the affair often feels conflicted about the marriage, frequently believing that they have found their “soul-mate”, the person with whom they were truly meant to spend the rest of their lives. The “hurt” spouse is often so hurt and devastated that they quickly react out of that pain of hurt, betrayal and anger.
Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :
Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.
As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.
Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.
As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.
Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.
There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/
Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.
Here are some words of advice for the person who has been hurt … for the time immediately after disclosure or discovery of the affair :
Do not take any quick or drastic action. You will change your mind many times about what you truly want to do. The answers will come with time and hard work.
As hard as it may be, do not push your partner to make a decision right away about the marriage or the affair. Seek advice from a therapist who is trained in helping couples recover from infidelity.
Be direct, open and honest with your partner about the facts you have learned. Many say that the worse part of the affair is the secrecy that builds walls between the spouses. Find ways to be open yourself.
As angry as you may feel, as much as you may want answers, find ways to make sure that is not all that you talk about. Do what you can to work on the friendship … when you can. The friendship and positive feelings are what got you together and may be what heals your relationship.
Remember that few affairs end in marriage. Many break up marriages; however, as time goes on and lovers are viewed in a different light, those relationships most often end.
There are some good books and web sites available to help you develop a course of action for yourself. Visit our web site for suggested help. http://couplesclinic.googlepages.com/
Do you have ideas as well for what helped you … or your relationship to heal. We would love to have your comments.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
What Makes It So Hard To Remain Faithful To Your Spouse?
The causes of infidelity are complicated and can happen in good marriages as well as struggling ones.
Many affairs develop in marriages where couples have drifted apart because they have avoided conflict and resolving problems, are fearful of intimacy or have just not tended to the necessary feeding that a marital relationship requires. They can also occur when one person is depressed, unhappy in the marriage or within a social group where affairs are condoned. Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
In healthy marriages, it can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly and with whom a friendship develops into more as stories, experiences and life events are shared.
Multiple affairs generally indicate some personal problems with the person having affairs. Some are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs often by the same sex parent and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings.
Emotional affairs may not involve a sexual relationship (intercourse); however they do involve secrecy from the spouse and sharing of intimate details in each other’s lives and can be as destructive, often even more so, than sexual affairs. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs, men are more likely to have sexual affairs.
Internet affairs are becoming more and more common. With today’s technology and easy access to others with similar interests or problems … as well as the opportunity to see “what is out there” in the single world, people can become emotionally open to another in ways that distance them from their spouse and the marriage.
Many affairs develop in marriages where couples have drifted apart because they have avoided conflict and resolving problems, are fearful of intimacy or have just not tended to the necessary feeding that a marital relationship requires. They can also occur when one person is depressed, unhappy in the marriage or within a social group where affairs are condoned. Affairs may happen at transition times in marriages, sometimes called “mid-life crises,” which are often opportunities for individuals to take stock of their life and evaluate what is “missing” and then look to others to fill that space.
In healthy marriages, it can take someone by surprise when feelings for another person develop, generally with a co-worker, neighbor or a friend that someone sees regularly and with whom a friendship develops into more as stories, experiences and life events are shared.
Multiple affairs generally indicate some personal problems with the person having affairs. Some are addicted to love, sex or self-affirmation. Often there is a family history of affairs often by the same sex parent and it is a “tradition“ accepted within the family. With some, there is a feeling of entitlement with little regard for the spouse’s feelings.
Emotional affairs may not involve a sexual relationship (intercourse); however they do involve secrecy from the spouse and sharing of intimate details in each other’s lives and can be as destructive, often even more so, than sexual affairs. Women are more likely to have emotional affairs, men are more likely to have sexual affairs.
Internet affairs are becoming more and more common. With today’s technology and easy access to others with similar interests or problems … as well as the opportunity to see “what is out there” in the single world, people can become emotionally open to another in ways that distance them from their spouse and the marriage.
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