8. Stay positive with your spouse. When you need to tell him about problems with the children, find a way to do it softly and gently. These are his children and criticisms about them will feel like a criticism of him and his parenting. Recognize his difficult role and strategize with him about how to handle problems. You want your marriage to make it long after these children have grown up and have left home.
9. Accept the fact that you may never love these children; in fact, it may be hard to even like them much of the time. That happens in many step families. Find some aspects of them and their personalities to like and show them respect. Watch for any changes along the way as you, and they, age together.
10. Be your own best friend. Find time to be alone, exercise, visit with friends and talk with other women in the same situation. This is a long process and there is no quick and easy answer. Take care of yourself and build your stamina for the long haul.
While many step families do not survive, there are also many that do. With patience, humor and a lot of working together, you can be one of those who make it work.
Do you have any experiences or questions to share with us? We welcome your comments, questions and feedback.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
Showing posts with label step family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label step family. Show all posts
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Top 10 Strategies for Stepmothers … the First 3
There are some things that stepmothers can do to have the best chance of thriving in her stepfamily. Here are some suggestions.
1. Stepmothers need to find ways to be patient and go slowly. There are lots of complications and twists in people and relationships in step families. Nothing can be ”fixed” immediately. Many of the problems are not about you. As they say in al-anon, “You did not cause it. You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.” Be patient, go slowly and find ways not to take things personally.
2. Find your role as the stepmother in your new family constellation. Don’t expect to mother another woman’s children. Look for a different role with them that can evolve over time.
Work with your partner to define your role and responsibilities. Make sure that everyone in the family is aware of what these roles and responsibilities are …. and what they are NOT. Ask him to be your ally in this and work with you as you all figure this out together.
3. Spend time alone with your stepchildren. Relationships take time to build and it is hard to achieve respect without a peaceful relationship. Spend time each day that you are together just learning more about them and their lives. Ask a few questions, without judgment, and listen carefully.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
Healing from Affairs
1. Stepmothers need to find ways to be patient and go slowly. There are lots of complications and twists in people and relationships in step families. Nothing can be ”fixed” immediately. Many of the problems are not about you. As they say in al-anon, “You did not cause it. You cannot control it and you cannot cure it.” Be patient, go slowly and find ways not to take things personally.
2. Find your role as the stepmother in your new family constellation. Don’t expect to mother another woman’s children. Look for a different role with them that can evolve over time.
Work with your partner to define your role and responsibilities. Make sure that everyone in the family is aware of what these roles and responsibilities are …. and what they are NOT. Ask him to be your ally in this and work with you as you all figure this out together.
3. Spend time alone with your stepchildren. Relationships take time to build and it is hard to achieve respect without a peaceful relationship. Spend time each day that you are together just learning more about them and their lives. Ask a few questions, without judgment, and listen carefully.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
Healing from Affairs
Monday, March 14, 2011
Stepmothers Face Many Challenges
Stepmothers have many challenges. Probably the biggest one is defining her role with the children and in the family. In some instances she is an “insider’ and at other times, she is clearly on the outside. She may have responsibility for transportation, cooking, laundry, discipline but may not have a say in other areas and may find that her husband sides with his children over her some of the time.
Most women believe that, if they are kind, loving and gentle enough, everything will work out and the children will fall in love with her. As most step families have told me, this NEVER happens.
Children often resent stepmothers as trying to take the place of their natural mother, even when step moms try to take it slowly and patiently, they are still the woman who is with their dad and in the bed and kitchen, where their mother should be.
The divorce rate is higher for step families than for those who are in it the first time around. The odds of protecting a marriage are not good ones since roughly 2/3rds of marriages with stepchildren end in divorce.
Women often take much of the responsibility for maintaining relationships and that can be extremely difficult to do with unhappy and challenging children, divided loyalties and sometimes interfering exes.
Most women believe that, if they are kind, loving and gentle enough, everything will work out and the children will fall in love with her. As most step families have told me, this NEVER happens.
Children often resent stepmothers as trying to take the place of their natural mother, even when step moms try to take it slowly and patiently, they are still the woman who is with their dad and in the bed and kitchen, where their mother should be.
The divorce rate is higher for step families than for those who are in it the first time around. The odds of protecting a marriage are not good ones since roughly 2/3rds of marriages with stepchildren end in divorce.
Women often take much of the responsibility for maintaining relationships and that can be extremely difficult to do with unhappy and challenging children, divided loyalties and sometimes interfering exes.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Stepmothers Start Off With Hills To Climb
In this next series of blog entries, we are going to talk about the role of stepmothers, one of the most difficult roles in families. We invite your input, comments, questions and suggestions. Success stories will be especially appreciated.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word, “stepmother”? Evil? Wicked? Mean?
More people think of Cinderella’s and Snow White’s stepmothers then Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch. Hard to get a break when you start off in a tough space.
Sometimes women who are stepmothers start off on the wrong foot as well. They may have unrealistic expectations for their new family and try too hard to create a close family long before the children are ready. Disappointment and frustration with these new children, along with what is often a very unclear role definition, may make it hard to find a stepmother to really find her place in this family.
Stepmothers often assume and, it is assumed, that they will handle much of the day-to-day parenting. What a job to handle right out of the starting gate!
Attempts to discipline and handle problems are met with resentment and challenge, sometimes not supported by the natural parent, and can lead to many hard times and hurt feelings.
Being a stepmother to her husband’s daughter has its own special challenges. It can be extremely emotionally complicated when there is more than one female who wants a man’s attention, not to mention tension between and within mothers, stepmothers and daughters.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word, “stepmother”? Evil? Wicked? Mean?
More people think of Cinderella’s and Snow White’s stepmothers then Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch. Hard to get a break when you start off in a tough space.
Sometimes women who are stepmothers start off on the wrong foot as well. They may have unrealistic expectations for their new family and try too hard to create a close family long before the children are ready. Disappointment and frustration with these new children, along with what is often a very unclear role definition, may make it hard to find a stepmother to really find her place in this family.
Stepmothers often assume and, it is assumed, that they will handle much of the day-to-day parenting. What a job to handle right out of the starting gate!
Attempts to discipline and handle problems are met with resentment and challenge, sometimes not supported by the natural parent, and can lead to many hard times and hurt feelings.
Being a stepmother to her husband’s daughter has its own special challenges. It can be extremely emotionally complicated when there is more than one female who wants a man’s attention, not to mention tension between and within mothers, stepmothers and daughters.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
Monday, February 7, 2011
10 Strategies to Protect Your Marriage in a Step Family Or My Stepchildren Are Stressing My Marriage!
Living in a step family can be dangerous to a marriage.
It is not easy to rear children. Each child is different and requires thoughtful work and planning for the best way to teach and discipline. It may be hard when you are married to your child’s parent. It can be many times harder when you are not married to your child’s parent … and you are married to someone else!
In all marriages, there are disagreements. (While some couples may say that they never disagree, that does not mean that they like and agree with everything that their spouse does, they may just not talk about it.) Money, sex, children and in-laws are the top 4 but we could name the top 25 pretty easily.
All perpetual issues are heightened in a step family.
Differences in parenting may also be one of those perpetual issues that couples argue over. When the children are the birth children of your spouse, it is often easier to believe that you both have the same goal in mind. When the other parent is a step parent, however, that is often not so easy. Stepchildren make it much more complicated.
It is too easy to let the parenting disagreements bleed over into the fabric of the marital relationship, especially in a step family. When someone that you care about criticizes your child or your success as a parent, good feelings erode and, over time, can erode good feelings about each other and about the marriage.
Nurturing a marriage is hard as well when there are children around. Life is just busier and time together is often hard to get. When some of those children are stepchildren and may actually resent you being a part of their family, it is hard to find quality time as a couple. High quality time (it’s not always possible to have high quantity) is crucial to maintain a healthy and viable marriage. It is paramount to keeping the love alive, especially in a step family.
Finances are more complicated. Couples have maintenance and child support as well as feelings about what other parents are doing … or not doing. So many decisions have to be made in a marriage with stepchildren and it is often hard to do it without emotion.
There are “insiders” and “outsiders” in a step family. Because of this, a lot of maturity, patience, self-confidence and grit are required in order to get through the feeling of exclusion, let go of hurt and resentment and keep the positive thinking and behaving alive.
10 strategies to protect your marriage in a step family.
Click here to read the 10 strategies.
It is not easy to rear children. Each child is different and requires thoughtful work and planning for the best way to teach and discipline. It may be hard when you are married to your child’s parent. It can be many times harder when you are not married to your child’s parent … and you are married to someone else!
In all marriages, there are disagreements. (While some couples may say that they never disagree, that does not mean that they like and agree with everything that their spouse does, they may just not talk about it.) Money, sex, children and in-laws are the top 4 but we could name the top 25 pretty easily.
All perpetual issues are heightened in a step family.
Differences in parenting may also be one of those perpetual issues that couples argue over. When the children are the birth children of your spouse, it is often easier to believe that you both have the same goal in mind. When the other parent is a step parent, however, that is often not so easy. Stepchildren make it much more complicated.
It is too easy to let the parenting disagreements bleed over into the fabric of the marital relationship, especially in a step family. When someone that you care about criticizes your child or your success as a parent, good feelings erode and, over time, can erode good feelings about each other and about the marriage.
Nurturing a marriage is hard as well when there are children around. Life is just busier and time together is often hard to get. When some of those children are stepchildren and may actually resent you being a part of their family, it is hard to find quality time as a couple. High quality time (it’s not always possible to have high quantity) is crucial to maintain a healthy and viable marriage. It is paramount to keeping the love alive, especially in a step family.
Finances are more complicated. Couples have maintenance and child support as well as feelings about what other parents are doing … or not doing. So many decisions have to be made in a marriage with stepchildren and it is often hard to do it without emotion.
There are “insiders” and “outsiders” in a step family. Because of this, a lot of maturity, patience, self-confidence and grit are required in order to get through the feeling of exclusion, let go of hurt and resentment and keep the positive thinking and behaving alive.
10 strategies to protect your marriage in a step family.
Click here to read the 10 strategies.
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