Stepmothers have many challenges. Probably the biggest one is defining her role with the children and in the family. In some instances she is an “insider’ and at other times, she is clearly on the outside. She may have responsibility for transportation, cooking, laundry, discipline but may not have a say in other areas and may find that her husband sides with his children over her some of the time.
Most women believe that, if they are kind, loving and gentle enough, everything will work out and the children will fall in love with her. As most step families have told me, this NEVER happens.
Children often resent stepmothers as trying to take the place of their natural mother, even when step moms try to take it slowly and patiently, they are still the woman who is with their dad and in the bed and kitchen, where their mother should be.
The divorce rate is higher for step families than for those who are in it the first time around. The odds of protecting a marriage are not good ones since roughly 2/3rds of marriages with stepchildren end in divorce.
Women often take much of the responsibility for maintaining relationships and that can be extremely difficult to do with unhappy and challenging children, divided loyalties and sometimes interfering exes.
Showing posts with label stepmothers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmothers. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Stepmothers Start Off With Hills To Climb
In this next series of blog entries, we are going to talk about the role of stepmothers, one of the most difficult roles in families. We invite your input, comments, questions and suggestions. Success stories will be especially appreciated.
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word, “stepmother”? Evil? Wicked? Mean?
More people think of Cinderella’s and Snow White’s stepmothers then Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch. Hard to get a break when you start off in a tough space.
Sometimes women who are stepmothers start off on the wrong foot as well. They may have unrealistic expectations for their new family and try too hard to create a close family long before the children are ready. Disappointment and frustration with these new children, along with what is often a very unclear role definition, may make it hard to find a stepmother to really find her place in this family.
Stepmothers often assume and, it is assumed, that they will handle much of the day-to-day parenting. What a job to handle right out of the starting gate!
Attempts to discipline and handle problems are met with resentment and challenge, sometimes not supported by the natural parent, and can lead to many hard times and hurt feelings.
Being a stepmother to her husband’s daughter has its own special challenges. It can be extremely emotionally complicated when there is more than one female who wants a man’s attention, not to mention tension between and within mothers, stepmothers and daughters.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word, “stepmother”? Evil? Wicked? Mean?
More people think of Cinderella’s and Snow White’s stepmothers then Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch. Hard to get a break when you start off in a tough space.
Sometimes women who are stepmothers start off on the wrong foot as well. They may have unrealistic expectations for their new family and try too hard to create a close family long before the children are ready. Disappointment and frustration with these new children, along with what is often a very unclear role definition, may make it hard to find a stepmother to really find her place in this family.
Stepmothers often assume and, it is assumed, that they will handle much of the day-to-day parenting. What a job to handle right out of the starting gate!
Attempts to discipline and handle problems are met with resentment and challenge, sometimes not supported by the natural parent, and can lead to many hard times and hurt feelings.
Being a stepmother to her husband’s daughter has its own special challenges. It can be extremely emotionally complicated when there is more than one female who wants a man’s attention, not to mention tension between and within mothers, stepmothers and daughters.
Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Do Stepfamilies Ever “Blend”?
Most do not … although a realistic goal is for all of the members of the stepfamily to feel comfortable, respectful and appreciative of their new relationships. It truly is too much to ask for everyone to have the same feelings for a family that parents have chosen as they do for the one into which they were born, especially if there are other parents around. Even if the other parent supports the new family, there remain ties of longing for and belonging to the original family.
Everyone has to find ways to expect things to go slowly, relationships of friendship and respect to take a long time to develop and reasonable comfort in new surroundings to arise. Most people in stepfamilies say that it generally takes one to two years before breathing a sigh of relief. If there are complicating factors, that may take even longer.
Here are a few suggestions for stepfamilies.
· Communicate. Talk and listen to each other. Allow children to ask questions and disagree. If a child does not like something, find out why. That does not mean that parents have to agree, however, listening and questioning provide respect, and often, important information.
· Engage children, considering their age, in establishing family rules such as household chores. Consider holding family meetings as a way of ongoing communication and assessing progress and problems.
· Parents should use healthy humor, apologies and loving comments to model for their children ways to survive in a stepfamily,
· Develop rituals. Some ideas are: a special dinnertime event, birthday and holiday celebrations, evening and winding down rituals, welcoming children home after visiting with the other household rituals. Think together about what might be rituals and routines to develop for this new family constellation.
· Talk at the dinner table. Consider asking questions such as “What were the highs and lows of your day”. As parents, get involved in the discussion as well.
· Treasure time for the original family … without stepfamily members, and make sure that it happens on a regular basis.
· Never talk poorly about the other parent(s) and respect the children’s desire to have a relationship with that other parent.
· Do not look for or expect “thank you” or appreciation. Celebrate when it does happen.
What ideas have you had? What experiences have you found that worked, or did not work, to share with us?
Everyone has to find ways to expect things to go slowly, relationships of friendship and respect to take a long time to develop and reasonable comfort in new surroundings to arise. Most people in stepfamilies say that it generally takes one to two years before breathing a sigh of relief. If there are complicating factors, that may take even longer.
Here are a few suggestions for stepfamilies.
· Communicate. Talk and listen to each other. Allow children to ask questions and disagree. If a child does not like something, find out why. That does not mean that parents have to agree, however, listening and questioning provide respect, and often, important information.
· Engage children, considering their age, in establishing family rules such as household chores. Consider holding family meetings as a way of ongoing communication and assessing progress and problems.
· Parents should use healthy humor, apologies and loving comments to model for their children ways to survive in a stepfamily,
· Develop rituals. Some ideas are: a special dinnertime event, birthday and holiday celebrations, evening and winding down rituals, welcoming children home after visiting with the other household rituals. Think together about what might be rituals and routines to develop for this new family constellation.
· Talk at the dinner table. Consider asking questions such as “What were the highs and lows of your day”. As parents, get involved in the discussion as well.
· Treasure time for the original family … without stepfamily members, and make sure that it happens on a regular basis.
· Never talk poorly about the other parent(s) and respect the children’s desire to have a relationship with that other parent.
· Do not look for or expect “thank you” or appreciation. Celebrate when it does happen.
What ideas have you had? What experiences have you found that worked, or did not work, to share with us?
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Wicked" Stepmothers
There has long been a stereotype of stepmothers as wicked. Women who are in that role often begin their new relationships feeling as if they are facing an uphill battle. Stepmoms often start out the process with strikes already against them and it can be hard just to get to neutral. What is that all about?
Some of it comes from fairytales like Cinderella. Children grow up connecting stepmothers and “wicked” together in the same sentence and it is hard to change that thought pattern.
At times, just her presence reminds others that the parents are no longer together and this can be very discomforting for the children and the others involved with this family such as the grandmothers who may have mixed feelings in seeing their own daughter “replaced”.
Women are also often seen as the primary caregivers and so are expected to be in charge of many life events related to the children and the operating of the household. Not all decisions or behaviors are welcomed and the stepmother may get the blame for anything that goes wrong or is unpopular … even if she has absolutely nothing to say about it.
Stepmothers make mistakes as well. They may try to hard to create a loving family, well before the children are ready. They may enter into issues of discipline too quickly, maybe out of necessity because there are times when she has primary care of the children. They may also feel resentful because the children do not seem to appreciate their hard efforts … and that resentment shows.
Dads sometimes contribute to the difficulties that stepmothers experience by listening too long to their children’s complaints about her or by not requiring respect for her.
We are going to share with you a few tips about how to handle being a stepmother, knowing full well that each family is different and there are also differences depending on the age of the children. We would be interested in some of your comments about stepmothers and how to break away from that negative idea of “wickedness”.
Expect to go slowly and measure progress in very small steps. Celebrate those steps. Acknowledge them and let others in the family know that you appreciate them.
Find time alone with each stepchild, even if only a few minutes a day, just to ask them about what is going on in their lives. Expect slow progress; however, as the adult, it is important to take the initiative and continue to try to develop a positive relationship.
Stay out of any discipline, if at all possible, for the first year. Just use that as a time to build a relationship with the children. Share your concerns with the children’s dad, but let him be the “mouthpiece” for any decisions and changes that are made.
Never say anything even remotely negative about the mother of the children. You can complain to your husband, just make sure that the children never hear it.
Do not expect appreciation. Remember that the children have divided loyalties and appreciating you may feel disloyal to their mother. Keep doing things for them, however, your efforts and friendship will eventually reap its rewards.
Go to bat for them when you can. Be their advocate with their dad when it is appropriate.
Make sure that the children have some “alone” time with their dad, time that does not include you. This may seem like something that will not build the “family”; however, it actually allows the children to feel better about their stepmother when they do not feel that she is always in the middle of their relationship with their dad.
Stay positive with your husband. Listen and strategize with him about how to handle issues with the children and respect the fact that this is hard on him as well. They are his children and he loves them.
Accept the fact that you may not really like your stepchildren, especially if they might be teenagers. That can be very normal. Just look for a place to build respect and find aspects of their personality or behavior that you do like.
Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone, visit with friends, talk with other women in the same situation. Expect this to go slowly. There are no easy “fixes” for this situation and the mere fact that it is difficult is not just about your efforts, in fact, most of it probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Please share your ideas here. What thoughts do you have? What stresses and successes have you experienced.
Some of it comes from fairytales like Cinderella. Children grow up connecting stepmothers and “wicked” together in the same sentence and it is hard to change that thought pattern.
At times, just her presence reminds others that the parents are no longer together and this can be very discomforting for the children and the others involved with this family such as the grandmothers who may have mixed feelings in seeing their own daughter “replaced”.
Women are also often seen as the primary caregivers and so are expected to be in charge of many life events related to the children and the operating of the household. Not all decisions or behaviors are welcomed and the stepmother may get the blame for anything that goes wrong or is unpopular … even if she has absolutely nothing to say about it.
Stepmothers make mistakes as well. They may try to hard to create a loving family, well before the children are ready. They may enter into issues of discipline too quickly, maybe out of necessity because there are times when she has primary care of the children. They may also feel resentful because the children do not seem to appreciate their hard efforts … and that resentment shows.
Dads sometimes contribute to the difficulties that stepmothers experience by listening too long to their children’s complaints about her or by not requiring respect for her.
We are going to share with you a few tips about how to handle being a stepmother, knowing full well that each family is different and there are also differences depending on the age of the children. We would be interested in some of your comments about stepmothers and how to break away from that negative idea of “wickedness”.
Expect to go slowly and measure progress in very small steps. Celebrate those steps. Acknowledge them and let others in the family know that you appreciate them.
Find time alone with each stepchild, even if only a few minutes a day, just to ask them about what is going on in their lives. Expect slow progress; however, as the adult, it is important to take the initiative and continue to try to develop a positive relationship.
Stay out of any discipline, if at all possible, for the first year. Just use that as a time to build a relationship with the children. Share your concerns with the children’s dad, but let him be the “mouthpiece” for any decisions and changes that are made.
Never say anything even remotely negative about the mother of the children. You can complain to your husband, just make sure that the children never hear it.
Do not expect appreciation. Remember that the children have divided loyalties and appreciating you may feel disloyal to their mother. Keep doing things for them, however, your efforts and friendship will eventually reap its rewards.
Go to bat for them when you can. Be their advocate with their dad when it is appropriate.
Make sure that the children have some “alone” time with their dad, time that does not include you. This may seem like something that will not build the “family”; however, it actually allows the children to feel better about their stepmother when they do not feel that she is always in the middle of their relationship with their dad.
Stay positive with your husband. Listen and strategize with him about how to handle issues with the children and respect the fact that this is hard on him as well. They are his children and he loves them.
Accept the fact that you may not really like your stepchildren, especially if they might be teenagers. That can be very normal. Just look for a place to build respect and find aspects of their personality or behavior that you do like.
Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone, visit with friends, talk with other women in the same situation. Expect this to go slowly. There are no easy “fixes” for this situation and the mere fact that it is difficult is not just about your efforts, in fact, most of it probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Please share your ideas here. What thoughts do you have? What stresses and successes have you experienced.
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