Stepmothers Start Off With Hills To Climb

In this next series of blog entries, we are going to talk about the role of stepmothers, one of the most difficult roles in families. We invite your input, comments, questions and suggestions. Success stories will be especially appreciated.

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word, “stepmother”? Evil? Wicked? Mean?

More people think of Cinderella’s and Snow White’s stepmothers then Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch. Hard to get a break when you start off in a tough space.

Sometimes women who are stepmothers start off on the wrong foot as well. They may have unrealistic expectations for their new family and try too hard to create a close family long before the children are ready. Disappointment and frustration with these new children, along with what is often a very unclear role definition, may make it hard to find a stepmother to really find her place in this family.

Stepmothers often assume and, it is assumed, that they will handle much of the day-to-day parenting. What a job to handle right out of the starting gate!

Attempts to discipline and handle problems are met with resentment and challenge, sometimes not supported by the natural parent, and can lead to many hard times and hurt feelings.

Being a stepmother to her husband’s daughter has its own special challenges. It can be extremely emotionally complicated when there is more than one female who wants a man’s attention, not to mention tension between and within mothers, stepmothers and daughters.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Advice for Relationships

Strategy Number 6: Beat the Holiday Blues by Honoring Rituals

Honor important old rituals and develop new ones. Rituals help promote a sense of well-being. Old ones can provide a sense of continuity through times of transition while developing new ones aids in accommodating to new situations.

Evaluate which rituals you want to keep and consider developing any new ones that might mark the positive things about you or your life right now.

Begin a holiday gratitude journal. Every night record just 3 things that have happened that day or in your life in general that you are grateful for and really appreciate.

Focus on what is good in your life right now rather than what is missing.

Strategy Number 4: Beat the Holiday Blues by Joining Others

Find a way to be around other people. Look for groups through your community, neighborhood, church, synagogue or volunteer organization.

You don’t have to be with crowds and, unless you have family, probably not around others with family.

Look for opportunities to connect with others who might be in a situation similar to your own rather than with people who are bonded with others.

Look for others who emphasize the goodness about you rather than what is missing.

Strategy Number 3: Beat the Holiday Blues by Doing for Others

Do something for others. Putting your life’s situation in perspective can be helped by recognizing what others are experiencing. While their situation may not even be as difficult as your own, focusing on someone else and taking the focus off of yourself can be an important mental health antidote for the holiday blues. Besides, it feels good to help someone else and lift their own burden.

Bake cookies for neighbors. Adopt a family from an angel tree. Make some crafts and visit a nursing home. Invite a niece or nephew to a holiday program. Consider inviting those without family connections to your home for a holiday meal.

Strategy Number 2: Beat the Holiday Blues by Setting Realistic Expectations

Have realistic expectations for yourself and your family.

Remember holidays of the past and do not expect this year to be much different.

Remember, you can work yourself into a pretzel trying to make them special, but you have no control over others in your family and they may never appreciate what you do for them.

You may fantasize about your hopes and dreams for the holidays, however, it may only BE hopes and dreams.

Be realistic about yourself and your family as you move into the holidays. Look for small positive things and focus on them rather than what is missing.

Find ways to create meaning in these holidays for yourself but know that it may not mean the same for others.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Healing from Affairs

6 Strategies for Easing the Holiday Blues

Are you alone and lonely over the Christmas Holidays?
Do you look with sadness on those who seem to be happy with their lives and feel that yours is empty?
Do you dread the looming, empty New Years Eve?
Do the holiday blues seem stronger than ever before?

Holidays can produce a time of loneliness and sadness for many people who regularly experience the holiday blues.

What causes the holiday blues?

The causes of holiday blues are varied. Sometimes they are caused by childhood experiences which seem to always bring a pall of sadness over the season. No matter how you try to shake it, memories, smells, sights and sounds seem to bring on sadness.

*******************
Jean could not understand why, but every time she smelt a cinnamon candle, she found herself feeling sad. She remembered that her mother always burned a candle over the holidays and they were not happy times for her.

Tom hated Christmas Eve. His father would always begin his celebration by drinking heavily and the family pretty much expected him to become abusive and angry for the rest of the holiday.
*******************

At other times, holiday blues are brought on by a change in life. Divorce or death of a spouse impacts in so many ways. Death of a parent or close friend can also be hard to handle at any time but especially over the holidays.

Moves from home, living alone, a change in health or friendships can also impact happiness and bring on the holiday blues.

Is the best strategy to beat the holiday blues to just keep your head down and plunge through?

Usually, that is not the best approach. There is no one right answer for how to handle the holiday blues but there are some strategies that can have an impact. We will be sharing them over the next few days. We would also be interested in your experiences so please share them here with all of us.