Retirement Planning ... What Do I Do With My Time?

Question:
I am a 64 year-old man … looking toward retirement. I am looking forward to it … playing lots of golf, seeing more of the grandchildren, working in the yard. My wife will also be retiring about the same time. We do not have much in common any more and I worry that we may end up fighting a lot as she seems to want me to be with her a lot more than I want to be with her. I am also used to being very busy with my job and I am not sure that I can find enough things to keep me interested. Do you have * ideas for me?

Reply:
Very smart of you to be thinking ahead about how to spend your time in retirement. Many people do not seriously think about it and then, while excited about not having to punch that time clock, they also find themselves bored at the prospects of a lot of unfilled time. Often people have many of their social needs met in the work environment as well as their identity … who they “are”, what they think of themselves and how they explain to people what they do in life is based on their work. This drastic change affects all of that.

We will offer some beginning ideas to think about … and would love to have comments from others who are reading this about what they have found that works.

* Do plan to take some time to just relax. Play some golf, see old friends, travel a little … or a lot.

* Look for ways to provide some structure to your week. Set up regular golf games, lunch with friends, pick one day of the week just to spend with one of your grandchildren … or all of them and keep to that schedule as much as you can. Have coffee and read the paper with your wife every morning and then take a walk together.
Make some plans that you can count on without scheduling too much of your life.

* Nurture your friendship with your spouse. You once enjoyed time together and had things in common … look for that opportunity again. Consider taking classes together … bridge, dancing, cooking, something in the adult education department with your local schools. Many of the universities have senior-focused classes and Elderhostel trips that can be very interesting, enjoyable and provide more social outlets.

* Stay active. Have a regular exercise plan … walking, golfing, swimming, whatever interests you. Find ways to incorporate your wife and friends when you can.

* Learn something new to keep your brain active. While classes like bridge, a new language or dancing help … so do crossword puzzles, sudoku and other word games. Read, keep abreast of the current events.

* Volunteer your time for others. Look for opportunities … on a regular basis … to share your time and talent with others. Give back. There is research that shows that people who give to others have happier lives as they focus more on others and less on themselves.

What has worked for you? What questions do you have about retirement?

Tip of the week of March 31, 2008

Look for 3 times today to connect with your partner for just 60 seconds. Give him a long kiss, send her a sweet text message, give him a hug, make a quick phone call, fix her a cup of tea … just 60 seconds, 3 times today.

Tip of the Week, March 24, 2008

A recent research study showed that partners who respond with celebration and excitement to their spouses’ good news enhance their relationship even better than spouses who empathize and support each other when there is bad news. In a study at the University of California Santa Barbara, researcher Shelly Gable, PhD determined that praise boosted a relationship more than empathy. Furthermore, passive responses to good news led to dissatisfaction in the relationship. So, the next time that you hear good news from your partner, find a way to celebrate!

Tip of the Week, March 17, 2008

Disagreement can be a good thing in a marriage. When couples don’t disagree, sometimes it might mean that they don’t care enough to talk with each other. Other times, it might mean that one or both of them doesn’t feel safe to truly express an opinion, disagree or stand up for him/herself. It is also possible that they never learned how to disagree while growing up ... either never seeing parents successfully handle conflict or being so volatile that it was frightening. Honor your differences and learn ways to talk about them in respectful ways.

Stop the Pursuit!

A common response to feeling distance from your partner is to try to get them to reconnect. Some suggest dates, push for conversation and affection, cry because they feel hurt, complain about loneliness, nag about intervening “culprits” such as work, friends, sports, family, etc. Even though this may be done with the best of intentions and from a sad rather than angry place, it often engenders feelings of being trapped or pursued and this then can lead to even more distance.

Some people in relationships find that they have a need for space more than others. It might be indicative of a problem … or might be just a need for more autonomy and alone time. While it certainly can feel scary for one who is waiting and wanting connection, trying to make it happen is the last thing that you want to do.

Think of this concept sort of like the game you played as a child … the person who was “it” chased after you … and every time that they did, you ran away. That is the same thing that happens in relationships … when you chase after someone, the tendency is to run away.

Instead of a pursuit, think of this as a time to focus on yourself. Look for ways to improve your own goals in life. At the same time, be sure that you are very positive with your partner, talking a lot about what you like and enjoy about him/her and the relationship as well as being available for the invitations offered to you. When you notice positive steps toward you, be sure to share appreciation … and then be quiet.

Please share your thoughts about this idea.

Stand By Her Man?

Why does she stay with him?
How can she do that?

These are the questions that we are hearing often as yet another public figure is in the media for infidelity. From Bill and Hillary Clinton through Eliot and Silda Spitzer, many public figures have been filmed making public statements with their wives by their sides. We see many other couples who really stand together, with a great deal of pain, but with love and commitment and find ways to survive … often thrive, in spite of tremendous betrayal and hurt.

Jim Cramer, the economics guru, was being interviewed this morning by Meredith Viera on the Today Show about the 416 point stock surge on the stock market yesterday. She then asked him about his close friends, Eliot and Silda Spitzer. They have been friends since Harvard Law School. Cramer’s eyes teared up and his voice was clearly in great pain as he then talked for several minutes about how much he loves this man … and his wife … and 2 days after the announcement, he still has trouble believing it.

We can not go inside the heads, hearts or marriages of others. Many people will say with clear conviction, “If he (or she) betrays me, then the marriage is over.” and yet, when faced with that problem, their thoughts and feelings are rarely that certain. Spouses stick together for many different reasons, love not being the only one. Often there are many other factors: children, time together, history of the relationship, money, family, religion, political futures are just some of those reasons.

Many marriages do come out significantly better … we have been privileged to be witnesses to these spouses as they courageously work through these incredible difficulties. Not all of these marriages can be saved; however, … and yet we respect a great deal, these women who chose not to give up so quickly.

Tip of the Week, March 10, 2008

Excuse your partner, even if you are sure that they do not deserve it.