Seven Special Date Ideas

Couples must continue dating throughout marriage. It is important for connection, nurturing and romance. It reminds people not to take each other for granted. Dates lead to many deposits of love and good will in the emotional bank account so that when normal problems arise, it is easier to work through them. Most couples can figure out regular dates like dinner and a movie. Here are some suggestions that we have for putting a little more verve and interest in a marriage. We welcome ideas from you as well.

1. Re-create your first date. Try to remember what you were wearing and look for something similar to wear (unless you have been successful at keeping your youthful figure). Go to the same places, put on a cd with music of that era, see if you can remember your conversations from earlier dating days.

2. Renew your wedding vows. Visit the location where you were first married, alone or invite others. Sit in the back of the church, on a blanket near the chapel, somewhere close by. Share your vows with each other and then have a celebratory meal, maybe go dancing, and reminisce about that day.

3. Too expensive and complicated to get a sitter? You can still have special dates. Make a combined effort to get the children in their rooms and settled for the evening, pop some popcorn and put in a movie from your past. Talk about the what was happening in your relationship when you first saw that movie. Think about ways that you can bring some of those same things back into your relationship now.

4. Plan to go somewhere and do something different that neither of you have ever done before. Go a little outside of your comfort zone. Eat new foods, try a different activity, listen to music that is unusual for the two of you. Dress up or dress down. Be completely different and adventurous. Break the old routine and see what new information this reveals about your spouse.

5. Do something for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, take food to shut-ins, volunteer to repair homes with a community agency, work on a project in your neighborhood. Notice the positive feelings that you have about yourselves and each other as you help others.

6. Plan a sensual (not sexual) evening. Light candles, wear perfume or cologne. Plan a massage that is only for relaxation and becoming reacquainted with each other’s bodies. Commit to having no more than a sensual experience. Take the pressure off for a sexual encounter, instead use it to become more connected in a pleasure-giving way.

7. Pretend that you are just meeting for a first date. Make every effort to look really nice. Be charming in a way that you would with a new acquaintance. Ask lots of questions about each other, likes, dislikes, dreams, fears. Make every effort to be curious and inquisitive as you would with anyone that you would like to impress.

Developing a Positive Sentiment in the Marriage

How do you know when a troubled marriage really is going to be okay? What are signs that things are back on track?

One of the ways that we can tell when a couple is back on track is when they talk about each other and their relationship with a positive tone, softening problems or their partner’s mistakes with understanding and talk of “when we get through this …”

Jim and Joan struggled with many problems in their marriage including Joan’s affair 3 years ago. Jim was recently telling about a fight that they had and remarked that, in the past, he might have thought about this as a good reason to think about divorce; however, now he just thought about it as miscommunication and differences and something that they would have to figure out together.

Emily was relating a story about Tim’s forgetting yet one more of her birthdays. In the past, she would have been extremely mad, hurt and disappointed. She would have seen it as a sign that he no longer loved her and was very selfish. Now she is able to tease him a little, let it go and then let him know what she was buying her for a present and where he was taking her for a celebratory meal.

This “attitude of forgiveness and acceptance” allows couples to place a positive sentiment on what might have been seen as negative and hurtful behavior, lightening the feelings in the marriage and enhancing a “we-ness” and commitment to work through “normal” differences and challenges. This occurs when there are a lot of positives in the marriage and couples have an abundance of love, good will and positive feelings toward each other and their relationship. (John Gottman’s researched formula is 5 positives for every 1 negative.)

Tip of the Week of September 8, 2008

Write a love letter to your partner.

Tip of the Week of September 1, 2008

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Toxic In-Laws

My husband’s parents treat me terribly. No matter how hard I try to be nice to them, they do not reciprocate. In disagreements, they always take their son’s side. I am thinking that it would be better for me if I just kept my distance. Is this the best solution?

Being an in-law truly can feel like being an “outlaw” at times. It is rare for a spouse to really feel like the child of the other one’s parents. You are wise to notice that what you are doing currently is not working in the way that you want it to and you want to find a way to do something differently.

Here are some things to think about :

Set realistic expectations. Don’t think that they will automatically like you. You “took” their child away and now they have to accept someone new, not necessarily of their choosing, into the family. While there are some parents who find it easy to incorporate new members into the family, others find it an intrusion and have a great deal of difficulty shifting relationships, rituals and connection with their own child.

Find ways to befriend them like inviting them to dinner, picking up something small when you are shopping for yourself and your own family, calling occasionally just to say “hello”. Allow the friendship time to develop slowly.

Try to think of some of the things that you do like about them and find ways to call that to their attention. Be as positive as you can around them in your words and your actions and find ways to notice the good things that they do.

It is rarely a good idea to talk with your in-laws about problems with your spouse, even if you feel very close to them. While you might think that it would be helpful to engage them in changing your spouse, unless the problems are very serious ones such as drug abuse or alcoholism, it is more likely that they will not think fondly of you rather than becoming upset with their own child. Find other confidants for yourself.

If you feel that they are truly being mean to you, talk with them about it. Try to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. Begin in a “soft” way saying things like, “I am sure that I am being overly sensitive, however, it really hurt my feelings when …” or “Can you tell me what you meant when you said …. ?”

Strategize out loud with your spouse about your struggles. He may be able to help you see things from a different place or he may be truly unaware of their treatment of you. Ask him for his support and to speak up if he witnesses and recognizes that they are being disrespectful.

Do not cut off all contact with them unless they are truly abusive to you. They are your spouse’s parents and you, and your family, will be better off if there is contact along the way. You may choose to limit the amount of time that you are with them. You may choose to stay in a hotel when you visit. You and your spouse may agree that you do not have to attend every family function as the two of you build rituals for your own family.

We know that this only scratches the surface of some of your concerns, questions and experiences and would welcome your comments here.

Tip of the Week of August 25, 2008

Don’t expect that repeating the same attempted solution will get different results. For different results, do something different.

Top Ten Tips for Marriage Maintenance

1. Have regular State of the Marriage discussions. Talk about what is good that you want to make sure to continue as well as the hopes, needs or dreams that you have that might make it better.

2. Treat each other in the ways that you want to be treated yourself. Even if your spouse is having a rough day or has “forgotten” to be nice, continue to be kind and gentle and wait for it to come back to you.

3. Do not “sweep things under the rug”. If there are things that are bothering you in the marriage, or disagreements that you have with your spouse, think about them carefully. Decide if they truly are small things and ones that you can really let go of, then do so. If not, talk out loud with your spouse (not others) about your thoughts and feelings.

4. Try to see disagreements in each other’s eyes.

5. Say “I love you” in different ways every day, with words, your eyes and your actions. Show clear signs of physical affection.

6. Have time for fun. Be sure to laugh and play together on a regular basis.

7. Respect your partner and his or her ideas. You do not have to agree with them in order to respect them. Listen carefully to her/his thoughts and feelings, even if they feel unfair to you. You will have time to express you thoughts and feelings later as well.

8. Have a date every week, even if you never leave home.

9. Find ways to talk every day. Check in with each other about what is happening in your lives. Look for new and different facts about your spouse’s day.

10. Say at least one positive or appreciative thing about your partner every day.