Marriage and Sex: Tip Number 7

Create an environment for intimacy throughout the day and see what happens in the evening.

For women, this often means just thinking about it. Think about the things that you DO like about intimacy with your spouse. Think about the pleasure you have received in intimate moments. Push negative thoughts away and focus on the positive ones about intimacy and your spouse.

For men, this means helping out with housework and childcare. It means finding ways to create some romance with a flower, a card, any way that says “I love you very much” rather than “let’s have sex”.

Tip of the Week, February 11, 2008

Make love with your eyes open.

Men and A Woman’s Tears

When women cry, men often feel helpless and their first response is to try to problem-solve or to convince their partner that tears are not helpful or the situation is not as serious as she may think. The man’s intentions are certainly good ones as men often say that, while they feel extremely uncomfortable when they see their woman crying, their main hope is to find a way to quickly help her feel better.

Women may appreciate their partner’s willingness to help; however, solving the problem may not feel like the best response and she may believe that her thoughts and feelings … even she herself … is just being dismissed.

So ... what is a man to do? If her tears are not about a concern with him, his best response is just to be a “shoulder to cry on” … someone who can just be good a sounding board. Women generally feel much better after they have talked about a problem and often, once some of the emotion has been drained away, can then come up with their own ideas about how to approach the situation. A good thing for men to remember … men or women actually, is that when listening to another person talk about a situation that is upsetting to them, do not offer advice unless asked, or until their partner thinks that they truly have a clear understanding of the situation.

Reignite Feelings of Passion and Romance

Most couples that have been together for some time, know that excitement and passion can wane. Some of the biggest contributors are fatigue, lack of time, loss of “newness” and falling into routines that do not engender excitement. Of course, it is also common to hear about a lack of interest in couples with a lot of unresolved conflict. Distance, hurt and anger in the relationship also contribute to a loss of feelings of connectedness and respect.

Many men, as well as many women, report that they need intimacy outside of the bedroom before being at all interested in intimacy inside the bedroom.

Here are some thoughts to remember when you and your partner are looking for ways to fire up the relationship.

· It is very important to tend to the needs of the relationship, to learn healthy communication and conflict resolutions skills.
· Are old wounds so deep or does the behavior continue in hurtful ways? If so, you need to pay special care and possibly talk things over with a professional therapist.
· Are the wounds old and has the behavior changed? If so, are these past injustices or hurts ones that you must just find ways to let go of them and forgive your partner?
· While it is not always the case, sometimes it is good to just reconnect with intimacy and let that be the lubrication for reconnecting in other ways.
· Make sure to find ways to let your partner know that he or she is very important to you and that you want to reconnect because he or she truly is the one that you love and want to be with.
· Offer to help your spouse with housework and childcare. One research study showed a clear positive connection between increased sexual frequency and men who helped with housework.
· Make sure to find time during each day to connect with your spouse and to protect sacred time with her/him on a regular basis.
· Talk out loud with your partner about what you like, find interesting and attractive about each other.
· Since the brain is the largest sexual organ, find time during the day to think, for just a few moments, about romance with your partner.

These are some beginning ideas. We will share more with other topics and would welcome your comments on our blog.

Tip of the Week, December 3, 2007

The way that you think about your relationships and your life affects the way that you feel about yourself, your life and others. When you are able to think positively about life, you will feel better. Try an experiment for today. Choose one relationship that is troublesome to you … and find a way to look for a positive in that situation or that person.

If your boss is difficult, think of one thing about her/him that is positive such as “He does have a good smile” or “She did say that she likes the way that I handle customers.” If that is not possible, think of a positive thing about the situation such as “I am only at this job 40 hours a week and have many other things in my life that are fulfilling such as my spouse, children, home, etc. … and I can put this all in perspective.”

One woman recently told me that she was surprised by how much better she felt after she changed one habit. She no longer spent time with co-workers who were unhappy with the job and constantly complaining. Instead, she tried to only talk with others about neutral or positive things about the job … or about her life. Her job and the problems did not change but they were no longer so overwhelming for her and she no longer found herself thinking so much about them.