Holiday Family Stress and Tension

It is far from the truth that families really like each other. Not all conversation and relationships are loving, easy and nurturing.

Family stress and differences affect celebrations and make holiday gatherings difficult in many families. In-laws that you may not particularly care for, relatives that you do not see often or know well, and changes in families because of separation, divorce or new partners can lead to unease and difficult times.

Planning ahead can help. “Forewarned is forearmed“, as the old saying goes.

Think ahead about the gatherings and imagine how they may go. Visualize the “best case scenarios” and the “worse case scenarios”. Set realistic expectations for them. Talk, plan and strategize with those you love most about how to help and support each other if things get difficult.

Here are a few other suggestions to consider as you plan for family holiday events.

Are you the host or hostess?

If you are the one who is in charge, you can have some control over the situation. Here are some ideas to make the experience the best that it can be.

1. Brush up on your own communication and conflict resolution skills. Find ways to keep your own cool. Learn some words and phrases to use that might ease tension. You will have to think of ones that fit your specific family situation and might include something like:

“We are all different in our ideas. Let’s not try to convince each other to change his or her thinking on this special day. We only see each other a few times a year. Let’s create good memories and appreciate what we do have in common and like about each other.” Then quickly offer a new idea for the conversation.

2. Take leadership before and during the event and set a positive tone.

 Plan some kind of an activity or conversation starters.
 Gather old family photos and get people to share stories. Keep the conversation light and find ways to reminisce about happy times.
 Interview the oldest generation about their childhood memories.
 Play a family trivia game.
 Be creative as you think up ways to keep the conversation headed in a good direction.
 We plan to turn our old videos to dvds for each family and watch a little old time television. We hope that all of the generations will get a smile from some of the clips of our childhood.


3. Enlist a few other trusted relatives as your aides to keep the conversation flowing in a good direction and deflect tension and stress.

4. Remember, when people talk about themselves, they generally feel appreciated and this might help them to be more positive with others. Spend time, or get one of your co-conspirators to spend time, with those relatives who might be more critical or difficult. Help them to feel special by showing interest in what is going on with them and in their life.


Will you attend rather than host events?

1. Find small messages to say to yourself to remember that you are okay and that winning an argument or “putting someone in their place” is not healthy for you in the long run.

2. Take leadership in your actions and your responses. Promise yourself that you will not get into arguments or take negative responses personally. (Is it more important to have family harmony or to win an argument?)

3. If there are relatives that bother or irritate you, find ways to politely avoid them. You don’t have to hang out with people that you do not like and with whom you do not get along.

4. Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

5. Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

6. Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

7. Limit alcohol … or just don’t drink at all. You want to be able to leave the party with dignity and remember the positive ways that you handled yourself.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

You can create a positive or an acceptable time for yourself. You don’t have to let negativity and family tension overwhelm you. Stay in charge of your thoughts and your “buttons”. You cannot control what others say or do, you can be in charge of how you see, react or respond.

Holiday Family Stress and Tension

It is far from the truth that families really like each other. Not all conversation and relationships are loving, easy and nurturing.

Family stress and differences affect celebrations and make holiday gatherings difficult in many families. In-laws that you may not particularly care for, relatives that you do not see often or know well, and changes in families because of separation, divorce or new partners can lead to unease and difficult times.

Planning ahead can help. “Forewarned is forearmed“, as the old saying goes.

Think ahead about the gatherings and imagine how they may go. Visualize the “best case scenarios” and the “worse case scenarios”. Set realistic expectations for them. Talk, plan and strategize with those you love most about how to help and support each other if things get difficult.

Here are a few other suggestions to consider as you plan for family holiday events.

Are you the host or hostess?

If you are the one who is in charge, you can have some control over the situation. Here are some ideas to make the experience the best that it can be.

1. Brush up on your own communication and conflict resolution skills. Find ways to keep your own cool. Learn some words and phrases to use that might ease tension. You will have to think of ones that fit your specific family situation and might include something like:

“We are all different in our ideas. Let’s not try to convince each other to change his or her thinking on this special day. We only see each other a few times a year. Let’s create good memories and appreciate what we do have in common and like about each other.” Then quickly offer a new idea for the conversation.

2. Take leadership before and during the event and set a positive tone.

 Plan some kind of an activity or conversation starters.
 Gather old family photos and get people to share stories. Keep the conversation light and find ways to reminisce about happy times.
 Interview the oldest generation about their childhood memories.
 Play a family trivia game.
 Be creative as you think up ways to keep the conversation headed in a good direction.
 We plan to turn our old videos to dvds for each family and watch a little old time television. We hope that all of the generations will get a smile from some of the clips of our childhood.


3. Enlist a few other trusted relatives as your aides to keep the conversation flowing in a good direction and deflect tension and stress.

4. Remember, when people talk about themselves, they generally feel appreciated and this might help them to be more positive with others. Spend time, or get one of your co-conspirators to spend time, with those relatives who might be more critical or difficult. Help them to feel special by showing interest in what is going on with them and in their life.


Will you attend rather than host events?

1. Find small messages to say to yourself to remember that you are okay and that winning an argument or “putting someone in their place” is not healthy for you in the long run.

2. Take leadership in your actions and your responses. Promise yourself that you will not get into arguments or take negative responses personally. (Is it more important to have family harmony or to win an argument?)

3. If there are relatives that bother or irritate you, find ways to politely avoid them. You don’t have to hang out with people that you do not like and with whom you do not get along.

4. Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

5. Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

6. Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

7. Limit alcohol … or just don’t drink at all. You want to be able to leave the party with dignity and remember the positive ways that you handled yourself.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

You can create a positive or an acceptable time for yourself. You don’t have to let negativity and family tension overwhelm you. Stay in charge of your thoughts and your “buttons”. You cannot control what others say or do, you can be in charge of how you see, react or respond.

4 Ways to Put the Fireworks Back in Your Relationship

The 4th of July is a day to celebrate our independence with parties and fireworks. Let this be a chance to you to look for ways to put some sizzle back in your relationship.

We offer you 4 tips to put the fireworks back in your relationship.

1. Try something new and different. Experiment. Take a few risks. Go outside your comfort zone. Notice the feeling of an ”edge” and the accomplishment of doing it together.

2. Flirt. Look deeply into each other’s eyes for a full 5 minutes without touching. Act like you are meeting for the first time and getting to know each other all over again.

3. Heat up the loving exchanges. How do you feel about sexting? This can be a good thing with your spouse.

4. Start dating again. Recreate some of your favorite early dates and look for new opportunities to dress up (or down) and be together. Put the technology away and focus on your time with each other.

CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com

7 Things That Men Wished Their Women Knew About Them

1. Men like to be touched, hugged and kissed and it doesn’t have to always lead to sex.
While many men may seem to have a higher libido than many women, most men really do appreciate simple positive physical touch.

2. Men like it when their partner is a playmate.
Companionship is very important to men and they especially appreciate women who will stretch themselves and learn to enjoy some of the things that they enjoy.

3. Men like to feel needed.
While men may appreciate a woman who is independent and not needy, they also want to feel needed by her and in her life.

4. Men like to be appreciated and to have words of affirmation and appreciation.
Efforts that are made and are noticed and acknowledged go a long way with anyone, and especially with men. Recognizing, thanking and affirming positive acts and efforts will go a long way.

5. Men like and need respect
Men are okay with disagreements if handled respectfully. Men want to know that their wives talk to and about them in respectful and loving ways. Men want to feel their wives respect even if they have a complaint about them or their marriage.

6. Men need women to recognize that nagging is not motivating.
Women need to recognize when their requests turn to nagging and find a different way to discuss the problem or the issue in a calm and respectful way. There are a lot of reasons why men may not do what women request. Finding out the answer is a quicker way to have needs met.

7. Men like women to have their back.
Men need to feel that their women are on their side with others in life. They want to know that their partner will stand up for him with family and friends. Men really don’t need a “devil’s advocate”, they need someone who is on their side and supports them through life.

Tip of the Week

"Love knows no reasons, love knows no lies. Love defies all reasons, love has no eyes. But love is not blind. Love sees but does not mind."

~Hemant Kumar

Five Ways to Avoid Divorce

Here are some strategies that you can do to avoid divorce. It is, of course, best if both halves of a couple are working in the same direction; however, one person can make a change on their own and take steps to avoid divorce.

1. Take responsibility for being a good partner.
You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. If you change, your spouse will change in response. Hang in there as it may take a while to see the change you would like to see and avoid divorce.

2. Communicate!
No one can read your mind. Even if you feel like you have said it many times, say it, lovingly, again.
If you are pleased and happy, be sure to talk about that. (A great way to avoid divorce.) If you are hurt, disappointed or angry, you probably need to talk about that as well. Holding negative feelings and thoughts or trying to sweep them away, is generally not healthy for a relationship. It is also entirely possible that you might also be wrong.

3. Try new things. Have new experiences. Go on new walks. Check out different restaurants. Create interest rather than the boring same old, same old.

4. Learn how to disagree and resolve conflict.
This can be one of the hardest things for couples to learn in order to avoid divorce. All couples disagree. It is destructive to argue as well as to walk away from figuring out differences. Resolving conflict is a skill that can be learned.

5. Get help.
It is a sign of strength, rather than weakness, to ask for help with your relationship. Be careful who you ask; however, as friends or family may only hear your side of the situation and agree with you. This is generally not a good idea. Look for mentoring couples, people in healthy relationships and credible marriage and relationship counselors.

Tip of the Week

In the pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Way,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.
Lao-tzu

Resolving Conflict

So many of the couples that I see every week in my practice have a great deal of difficulty talking about differences and resolving conflict.

Some of the time, it is because it is hard to figure out how to talk about differences. Other times, it is because their partner is unwilling or unable to hang in with the conversation until they reach a place of resolving conflict.

Just this week, I have met with 3 couples where husbands have had an affair. In all three of those cases, the husbands were unhappy in their marriage and had serious concerns but chose to talk with a woman other their wife about their unhappiness. What a bad decision!

Each man blamed his wife for the problems in opening up and resolving conflict. Not one of them recognized his part in the decision to avoid conflict and turn, instead, to another woman.

Failure to resolve conflict leads to distance, disappointment and unhappiness in relationships. Men and women have to find ways to do their part in resolving conflict.

We have written several articles about resolving conflict on our website, CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com. Click here to read more about how you can become a better half of a partnership in resolving conflict.

Small Talk: The Art of Keeping the Conversation Going

Conversational skills are important in any relationship. In many good relationships they are easy and fluid; however, for many, especially in new relationships, they can be tough. Some people are clearly better than others; however, here are 5 tips to help with conversations.

1. Show genuine interest in the other person.

Almost everyone feels flattered if you seem interested in what is going on with them … in their job, in their day, in their family, etc.

2. Share something about yourself, especially anything that you may have in common.
It is good to establish any commonality. Look for ones that might fit and start a conversation about it. Some ideas may come to you because of the setting you are in. Others may take a bit of exploring. Exploring can be fun!

3. It is okay to talk about the weather.
Talking about simple subjects like the weather are great ice breakers. You can carry this forward with follow-up questions like “What is your favorite time of the year?” “What would you be doing today if anything were possible?”

4. Ask advice.
You don’t want to ask doctors medical advice or lawyers for legal advice .. or therapists for personal advice in social settings but it is good to ask for advice about things that you both might have in common like ”How did you decide what you wanted to do in your life?” or “What are your favorite travel spots?”

5. Have one or two topics that you know something about … current events, movies or television shows, the latest technology and, if it seems to interest your conversation partner, share a little of your thoughts and opinions.

Tip of the Week

At this holiday time, remember, lower expectations lead to a higher sense of peace.

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON ... ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS

KEEP CALM
and
CARRY ON

ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS



Here are 5 tips to help you KEEP CALM and CARRY ON so that you can ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.

It’s all in the attitude
The more that you think your way to remaining calm, the more likely it is that will happen. Much of stress is in the way that you think about it. Remember that there is a reason for the season. Keep that reason in the forefront of your mind. Enjoy your family, friends and rituals.

Planning makes a huge difference
Because this is such a stress filled time of year, it is not a time to “fly by the seat of your pants”. Rather, have a plan. Make lists. Decide what is manageable for each day and try to keep within that plan. You do not have to do it all. Life will go on if everything is not decorated perfectly or the “right” gift is not under the tree. Your enjoyment of life is far more important to you and your loved ones than a purchase or another light in the yard.

Delegation
Reduce holiday stress by remembering that everything does not have to be on your list. Ask for help. Give others duties. Have pot lucks rather than fixing all of the food yourself. Work with your neighbors to help each other out. Working together can be a whole more fun and far less stressful than handling it all alone.

Deep breath
Do you know some deep breathing or meditation techniques? If not, this might be the time to learn them. You can use a simple app on your phone, practice 3 slow deep breaths in and out 3 times a day and whenever you are in stress or give yourself an early gift and take a class in meditation. More and more research is showing the benefits of meditation and mindfulness for physical and mental health.

Eat, sleep, pray, love
Take care of yourself in all ways.

Tip of the Week

"When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff."
Pat Love

Financial Infidelity: What Can I Do?

Some folks who are even in the best of marriages find that their spouse has been hiding debt, purchases, bank and credit card accounts or money from them and are devastated by uncovering the information about financial infidelity.

A first reaction is rarely the best course of action. Rather, it is recommended that you take time to calm down and clearly think through the situation so that you can make a calm decision about how to handle the knowledge of financial infidelity.

Here are some suggestions for how to handle financial infidelity in your relationship.

1. Make a date to talk with each other about your finances, goals and plans. Be sure it is in a neutral setting. Can you go out for coffee? Sit on the deck? Choose a place that promotes calm and neutrality. Never talk when either of you are upset, defensive or angry even if you believe that your partner has been financially deceptive.

2. Frame your thoughts, questions and ideas in neutral and non-judgmental ways. For example, start your conversation with phrases like:
“I think we have different philosophies about money and I would like to see if we can come up with a plan that will fit for us both”.
or
“There are spenders and there are savers, in this relationship, we have one of each. Let’s see if we can find a way to balance each other out.”

3. To further ward off financial infidelity, be sure that each of you does have some discretionary money on a regular basis. Each of you will be more likely to follow through with a plan if you do have some money of your own that you can spend without consulting with or “reporting” to the other.

4. Talk out loud about money differences. Respect the fact that there is more than one way to make things work and there can be a “middle” ground.

5. Agree to be open and up front about all money and debt. Hiding only brings about more hiding, feelings of betrayal and anger about financial infidelity. Acknowledge that you may see this differently and agree to talk out loud about the differences rather than hiding them.

6. Be willing to change yourself and your spending and saving habits. No one is right about everything and you do have to give in order to get.

7. Keep a positive attitude as you two talk together. Find ways to emphasize ideas like “there is a solution here, we just have to keep working toward it” or “we are a team and together we can figure this out”.
Would you like more ideas for ways to handle financial infidelity? Check out our articles on Counseling Relationships Online.com.

Financial Infidelity

Is financial infidelity affecting your relationship? Are you, or your partner, keeping secrets about money with each other?

Financial infidelity, lying to your spouse about money (assets, debts, purchases, etc.), happens in about 30% of all marriages or relationships with combined income. Disagreements and fighting about finances (financial infidelity) are a leading cause of divorce.

According to a 2014 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education, one spouse admits to lying to his or her partner about money, in 1 out of 3 marriages. In that same survey, more than 75% noted that this financial infidelity and dishonesty has adversely affected their marriage.

Money and the control of money is crucial to many people. We all develop styles of handling finances (frugal, spendthrift, saver, etc.) from our childhoods and experiences that we have as we mature. When two halves of a couple have the same style, money is often not a problem. When styles are different, that can lead to stress and conflict or financial infidelity.

Financial Infidelity Self-Test
Answer these questions honestly about yourself and/or your partner.

1. Is it hard to talk about finances with each other?
2. Is one of you likely to become argumentative or defensive when the money is discussed?
3. Do you know each others' style or relationship with money and can you respect any differences as part of a healthy balance?
4. Do you know each others' salary and any other source of income?
5. Are any large purchases made without consulting the other?
6. Are any large purchases “hidden” from the other?
7. Are you financially naked with each other?
8. Do you know each others' passwords? Credit card information? Checking accounts?
9. Do there seem to be big gaps between income and debt?
10. Do you know how much total debt you have as a couple as well as any individual debt?

If you answer “yes” to many of these questions, you are not alone. Remember, 1 in 3 couples do have problems with money and experience financial infidelity. In future posts we will share suggestions with you.

Tip of the Week

A recent research study noted that one of the hallmarks of a successful couple is that they celebrate each other's success and are there for each other when things are going well. This seemed to be even more important than being supportive at times when things are hard.

Great Gifts for Couples

Looking for a thoughtful gift for a special couple? Want to find a way to celebrate and enhance their relationship. Here are 5 suggestions of gifts for couples … newly married, having a special anniversary or “just because”.

Gifts for Couples

A Gratitude Journal. Recognizing and feeling grateful for each other and for the relationship is a wonderful way to build up an emotional bank account and is a wonderful gift for a couple. A leather journal with a pen and candle would be a wonderful way to encourage the couple to focus on what it good and right about their relationship.

Something for a Holiday Tradition. Rituals are important in cementing a relationship. Choosing a gifts for a couples with a special saying or photo of the couple in an ornament for a Christmas tree, a crèche set, a menorah … something special that will remind the couple every year of their history together.

Date Night Escape. Consider what your budget will allow and choose what would be the best gift for a couple. Anything from an overnight getaway with hotel and restaurant arrangements to a basket of things to use for a date night at home would be a nice choice.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate There are a lot of good books for couples. One of our favorites is Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. In this book, Chapman helps couples identify their own language of love and how they can best show love to their partner.

Experiences. Experiences bring opportunities for couples to grow and learn together. New experiences increase serotonin, that brain chemical that keeps interest alive.

Couples Counseling of Louisville.com
Counseling Relationships Online.com

Tip of the Week

Make sure to spend as much time with your spouse and family as you do with all of your hobbies.

Happy Father's Day

Dating Advice: Questions to Ask as a Relationship Deepens

Should I stay in this dating relationship?

There are lots of things to consider before deciding whether or not you want to deepen a relationship.

While at this point in any relationship, you SHOULD NOT be ready to plan for marriage, even if you believe that you have found your soul mate; however, you do want to find out more about this person and whether or not he or she is capable of a healthy relationship.

You will want to assess for maturity and the ability to form an intimate partnership. You will want someone who can work through disagreements with you and someone who can be trusted.

Here are some to the questions to ask yourself.
* How does he or she handle anger?
* Can we have a disagreement about something?
* Can he/she stay in the discussion or come back later to talk it through?
* What is my gut telling me about this person and this relationship?
* Are there yellow or red flags here and, if so, are they familiar ones to me?

Write a list of the top 10 things that are important to you in a healthy dating relationship and keep that list close at hand. Ask yourself, does this relationship meet that criteria?

Here are some of the questions to ask your partner.
Questions about stability and maturity.
* About employment: How do you like your job?
* What are the positives and negatives?
* How long have you worked at this job?
* What made you decide to change?
* What is your ideal job?
* What would it take for you to get it?

Questions for emotional stability.
* How do you pick yourself up when you are down?
* How do you calm yourself down when you need to?

Questions about the ability to have an intimate relationship.
* About prior relationships: Tell me about other important romantic relationships in your life.
* How did they end?
* How did you heal from the ending?
* What did you learn about yourself from them?
* What did you learn about making choices in a relationship?

About friends and family: Tell me about your family.
If they are cut off from their family or only see them on a very limited plan, learn about
that and what makes their family toxic.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville

Dating Advice: Getting to Know More About You Questions

Important dating advice to remember is that it can help a lot to find out more about your new friend before deepening any connection and devoting more emotional energy and time to a new relationship.

Here are some suggestions for questions to ask a potential new partner in a dating relationship:

Getting to know about someone’s family can be a good indicator of his or her ability to be a healthy part of a relationship. This does NOT mean, of course, that someone who grew up in a difficult or abusive family cannot or has not

learned how to relate effectively. It may, however, help you evaluate whether or not to take the relationship past the introductory phase. (And for those of you with “rescuer” tattooed on your forehead, please examine this aspect carefully.)

When you are just getting to know someone, you must be respectful of their desire to talk, or not to talk, about private or personal matters. Choosing to wait before opening up can be a good sign about respecting boundaries so keep the questions light and playful and be sure to share some of the same information about yourself.

. Tell me about your family.
. Who are you closest to in your family?
. What are some of your favorite memories as a child?
. How did you celebrate holidays?
. What did you do for vacations?
. What would your parents say was the most daring thing that you did as a child?
. What did your family see as your strengths or things that you did really well?
. Was there any special role that you held in your family? Were you the peacemaker, the responsible one, the high achiever, the one who made everyone laugh?

As you listen to your friend's responses, do some "gut checks". Find some quiet time and a little distance to ask yourself these questions.

Questions to ask yourself in dating relationships.

. What is my “gut reaction” or what is my intuition telling me about this person?
. Are there any caution or red flags floating? If so, are they familiar ones for me in past relationships?
. How well does this person answer my list of the top 10 characteristics in a healthy relationship?

Have any other thoughts or ideas about this? We would love to see them in the comments section.

Counseling Relationships Online.com
Couples Counseling of Louisville.com