Sunday, July 20, 2008
Tip of the Week, July 21, 2008
Problems are generally not as bad as they seem. Thinking about them from a perspective of how life will be when they are solved can help to put things in perspective and often lead toward a resolution.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tip of the week of July 7, 2008
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin
Mignon McLaughlin
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Couples and Money
Finances are one of the most common areas of disagreement for couples. When we work with couples experiencing this problem we hear comments about trust, control, stinginess, irresponsibility, lying and dishonesty.
When couples start out with different ideas about money, they can get even further apart with time as each responds to the other. The one who is more frugal can become even tighter when he or she sees a spouse spend in a way that feels superfluous.
When a spouse who is freer with spending feels “controlled” with conversations, criticism or checking, they may find ways to hide spending. What begins as a simple
difference can escalate out of control and erode good will within the couples’ relationship quite quickly.
Here are a few tips that couples can discuss that might help them move from opponents about the family budget to players on the same team.
Talk together about a reasonable amount of money that each of you can spend without consulting the other one. Depending on each individual couple and their finances, it may be as small as $10 or as large as $1,000. Both agree that you will talk about it before any purchases are made (other than necessary ones such as groceries) and problem-solve around the decision.
Work on a budget together. Make sure that you both know the amount of money you receive in your paychecks, any additional income, and the amount of regular bills. Discuss other bills that may not need to be paid monthly but are regular and expected expenses.
Talk out your money differences. Couples with different ideas about spending may not really understand that thoughts of their spouse. For specific purchases that are controversial, talk about your position and why you feel as you do. Try to explain why this purchase is important for you and get a good understanding from your partner about her/his thoughts and feelings about this purchase.
Recognize that finances may just be something that is normal for you to differ on; however, if you remain respectful to each other in the conversations, you will be able to make decisions about expenses that will work for each of you. Think positively about this as a problem to solve, not an attack on your character.
Have conversations about the meaning of money for each of you. What did it mean when you were growing up? How did your parents handle money? How does that affect the way you think about money? Get a better understanding about your spouse and their thoughts about so money so that when you hit these normal roadblocks, you will be able to travel over them more easily.
Consider a financial planner. If you cannot afford one on our own, check with some churches in your area. Some churches and community centers have people who volunteer to help others with this.
Above all, continue to remain positive with your partner and know that you both have the same end goal in mind … a sound financial plan.
Do you have some ideas to share for what helped you to figure out financial differences?
When couples start out with different ideas about money, they can get even further apart with time as each responds to the other. The one who is more frugal can become even tighter when he or she sees a spouse spend in a way that feels superfluous.
When a spouse who is freer with spending feels “controlled” with conversations, criticism or checking, they may find ways to hide spending. What begins as a simple
difference can escalate out of control and erode good will within the couples’ relationship quite quickly.
Here are a few tips that couples can discuss that might help them move from opponents about the family budget to players on the same team.
Talk together about a reasonable amount of money that each of you can spend without consulting the other one. Depending on each individual couple and their finances, it may be as small as $10 or as large as $1,000. Both agree that you will talk about it before any purchases are made (other than necessary ones such as groceries) and problem-solve around the decision.
Work on a budget together. Make sure that you both know the amount of money you receive in your paychecks, any additional income, and the amount of regular bills. Discuss other bills that may not need to be paid monthly but are regular and expected expenses.
Talk out your money differences. Couples with different ideas about spending may not really understand that thoughts of their spouse. For specific purchases that are controversial, talk about your position and why you feel as you do. Try to explain why this purchase is important for you and get a good understanding from your partner about her/his thoughts and feelings about this purchase.
Recognize that finances may just be something that is normal for you to differ on; however, if you remain respectful to each other in the conversations, you will be able to make decisions about expenses that will work for each of you. Think positively about this as a problem to solve, not an attack on your character.
Have conversations about the meaning of money for each of you. What did it mean when you were growing up? How did your parents handle money? How does that affect the way you think about money? Get a better understanding about your spouse and their thoughts about so money so that when you hit these normal roadblocks, you will be able to travel over them more easily.
Consider a financial planner. If you cannot afford one on our own, check with some churches in your area. Some churches and community centers have people who volunteer to help others with this.
Above all, continue to remain positive with your partner and know that you both have the same end goal in mind … a sound financial plan.
Do you have some ideas to share for what helped you to figure out financial differences?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tip of the Week, June 23, 2008
If you feel yourself getting angry, take a break. Think about something positive or get busy doing something. After a while, think again about what made you mad and decide if it is worth talking about or not. If so, think of a calm and positive way to talk about it.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Men and Depression
My husband is depressed … and I do not know what to do to help him. How can I be helpful?
Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.
If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.
Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.
1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site www.CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.
2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.
3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.
4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”
5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.
6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.
Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.
If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.
Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.
1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site www.CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.
2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.
3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.
4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”
5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.
6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.
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