Is Someone You Love Depressed?
Living with someone who is depressed can look and sound very differently than what you would normally expect of a person suffering from depression. For some it may have more the appearance of anger and irritability. For others, it may seem like laziness or irresponsibility. While for others it may seem like a deep sadness with a lot of tears and sad, unhappy and negative talk.
Here are some questions for you to consider when thinking about someone you love who does not seem to be acting in ways that are healthy and positive.
* Has there been a change in sleep habits? Does your loved one sleep a lot more or a lot less than in the past?
* Has there been a marked change in his or her eating habits, eating a lot more and gaining weight or eating a lot less and losing weight?
* Does your loved one seem to be a lot more unhappy and negative and have difficulty recognizing the good things in life?
* Does he or she seem to have a lot of trouble with making decisions?
* Is your loved one more forgetful and seem to have difficulty concentrating?
* Do you notice frequent irritability or an underlying anger?
If you answer “yes” to several of these questions, the answer may be that your loved one is suffering from depression.
Some beginning things for you to consider as a way to be helpful are:
* Educate yourself about depression. Learning more about it may help you find ways to talk with the person you love about your concerns.
* Talk with them and acknowledge the positive things about him/her and your life together. Know that it may be hard to hear positive talk. You do not want to come off as “fake” so you will want to keep comments small, specific and behavioral like “Thanks for getting the children today.” “That color really looks nice on you.” “I appreciate your ideas about this and will absolutely use them.”
* Recognize that depression is not something one chooses and can readily change. It is not about being lazy or irresponsible and a “cure” does not happen overnight. Some live with sad or down times off and on throughout their life and will often struggle with and look for ways to cope with it effectively.
* Remind your loved one of things that they have done in the past to feel better and get through tough times. It may be that these same things will work once more.
* Take care of yourself to make sure that you, and your children, do not “catch” the depression. The “blues” and negativity can be contagious so you want to find ways to immunize yourself and prevent its spread.
* If your loved one will not talk with a therapist or the doctor, consider going yourself.
Do you have other ideas about what has been helpful for you? We welcome your comments and feedback.
Showing posts with label marriage and depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage and depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Can I Make Myself Happy?
Pam has been through some really difficult times. She is a single mother with an ex-husband who is cannot be counted on to pay child support regularly or to show up for his time with their two girls. Pam likes her job but not the pay and occasionally has to work overtime to make ends meet. She is close to her family and they help when they can but they have lives of their own. She has a couple of really close women friends but is not dating anyone, partly because she has not met the right person and partly because she does not have a lot of time for herself.
If you met Pam, you would think that her life is in such a sunny place. She always has a smile on her face and if you ask her about things in her life, she will share a cute story about her children or something interesting going on in her life or job right now.
To Pam’s closest friends, they know that she struggles and has times of feeling angry, disappointed or sad but they would tell you that she does not let things get her down. She has the attitude that you only worry about things that you might be able to change and that the worry should be more about solving problems than stewing about the injustices and wrongs. Pam would also tell you that she has decided that she must find ways to let go of the things that she cannot change, maybe accepting that the situation is not a good one but also knowing that her energy is better spent on making her own life, and that of her daughters, the happiest and healthiest that it can be.
You may be wondering how Pam can see the good even when life is tough. You also may be wondering if she is deluding herself about reality. Pam is actually one of the lucky ones, born with the ability to think positively on her own. She was reared in a loving and supportive family who, while they were certainly not perfect, found many ways to help her know that she was a good person with lots of good qualities and the ability to achieve whatever she put her mind to doing. Pam grew up believing in and liking herself.
Others in tough situations are not as fortunate as Pam and have to struggle with finding ways to appreciate the good in their lives. They have to teach themselves new habits of thinking, talking and behaving. They have to find ways to focus on the good that is present in their lives rather than the bad. Very, very hard to do when you are, or have been, programmed to think of, talk about and act as if all of the bad things have and are happening to you … and yet not impossible.
If this is something that you are struggling with, check out our web site (CouplesClinicofLouisville.com) for some suggestions for books that might help you begin. Consider calling or emailing us, or a therapist near you, to talk over what you might do to think and feel better about yourself and your life. There are times that depression can be helped with some clear specific suggestions for change. Other times, a medical assessment may be needed. A professional can help you best decide the best direction for you. You don't have to fight this alone.
One place to begin is to end your day each night by writing down three things that you are proud of or grateful for, in your life … just that day.
If you met Pam, you would think that her life is in such a sunny place. She always has a smile on her face and if you ask her about things in her life, she will share a cute story about her children or something interesting going on in her life or job right now.
To Pam’s closest friends, they know that she struggles and has times of feeling angry, disappointed or sad but they would tell you that she does not let things get her down. She has the attitude that you only worry about things that you might be able to change and that the worry should be more about solving problems than stewing about the injustices and wrongs. Pam would also tell you that she has decided that she must find ways to let go of the things that she cannot change, maybe accepting that the situation is not a good one but also knowing that her energy is better spent on making her own life, and that of her daughters, the happiest and healthiest that it can be.
You may be wondering how Pam can see the good even when life is tough. You also may be wondering if she is deluding herself about reality. Pam is actually one of the lucky ones, born with the ability to think positively on her own. She was reared in a loving and supportive family who, while they were certainly not perfect, found many ways to help her know that she was a good person with lots of good qualities and the ability to achieve whatever she put her mind to doing. Pam grew up believing in and liking herself.
Others in tough situations are not as fortunate as Pam and have to struggle with finding ways to appreciate the good in their lives. They have to teach themselves new habits of thinking, talking and behaving. They have to find ways to focus on the good that is present in their lives rather than the bad. Very, very hard to do when you are, or have been, programmed to think of, talk about and act as if all of the bad things have and are happening to you … and yet not impossible.
If this is something that you are struggling with, check out our web site (CouplesClinicofLouisville.com) for some suggestions for books that might help you begin. Consider calling or emailing us, or a therapist near you, to talk over what you might do to think and feel better about yourself and your life. There are times that depression can be helped with some clear specific suggestions for change. Other times, a medical assessment may be needed. A professional can help you best decide the best direction for you. You don't have to fight this alone.
One place to begin is to end your day each night by writing down three things that you are proud of or grateful for, in your life … just that day.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Men and Depression
My husband is depressed … and I do not know what to do to help him. How can I be helpful?
Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.
If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.
Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.
1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site www.CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.
2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.
3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.
4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”
5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.
6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.
Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.
If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.
Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.
1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site www.CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.
2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.
3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.
4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”
5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.
6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.
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