Do You Wonder If Someone You Love Depressed?

Is Someone You Love Depressed?

Living with someone who is depressed can look and sound very differently than what you would normally expect of a person suffering from depression. For some it may have more the appearance of anger and irritability. For others, it may seem like laziness or irresponsibility. While for others it may seem like a deep sadness with a lot of tears and sad, unhappy and negative talk.

Here are some questions for you to consider when thinking about someone you love who does not seem to be acting in ways that are healthy and positive.

* Has there been a change in sleep habits? Does your loved one sleep a lot more or a lot less than in the past?

* Has there been a marked change in his or her eating habits, eating a lot more and gaining weight or eating a lot less and losing weight?

* Does your loved one seem to be a lot more unhappy and negative and have difficulty recognizing the good things in life?

* Does he or she seem to have a lot of trouble with making decisions?

* Is your loved one more forgetful and seem to have difficulty concentrating?

* Do you notice frequent irritability or an underlying anger?

If you answer “yes” to several of these questions, the answer may be that your loved one is suffering from depression.

Some beginning things for you to consider as a way to be helpful are:

* Educate yourself about depression. Learning more about it may help you find ways to talk with the person you love about your concerns.

* Talk with them and acknowledge the positive things about him/her and your life together. Know that it may be hard to hear positive talk. You do not want to come off as “fake” so you will want to keep comments small, specific and behavioral like “Thanks for getting the children today.” “That color really looks nice on you.” “I appreciate your ideas about this and will absolutely use them.”

* Recognize that depression is not something one chooses and can readily change. It is not about being lazy or irresponsible and a “cure” does not happen overnight. Some live with sad or down times off and on throughout their life and will often struggle with and look for ways to cope with it effectively.

* Remind your loved one of things that they have done in the past to feel better and get through tough times. It may be that these same things will work once more.

* Take care of yourself to make sure that you, and your children, do not “catch” the depression. The “blues” and negativity can be contagious so you want to find ways to immunize yourself and prevent its spread.

* If your loved one will not talk with a therapist or the doctor, consider going yourself.

Do you have other ideas about what has been helpful for you? We welcome your comments and feedback.

Men and Depression

My husband is depressed … and I do not know what to do to help him. How can I be helpful?

Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.

If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.

Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.

1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site www.CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.

2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.

3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.

4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”

5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.

6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.