Small Talk: The Art of Keeping the Conversation Going

Conversational skills are important in any relationship. In many good relationships they are easy and fluid; however, for many, especially in new relationships, they can be tough. Some people are clearly better than others; however, here are 5 tips to help with conversations.

1. Show genuine interest in the other person.

Almost everyone feels flattered if you seem interested in what is going on with them … in their job, in their day, in their family, etc.

2. Share something about yourself, especially anything that you may have in common.
It is good to establish any commonality. Look for ones that might fit and start a conversation about it. Some ideas may come to you because of the setting you are in. Others may take a bit of exploring. Exploring can be fun!

3. It is okay to talk about the weather.
Talking about simple subjects like the weather are great ice breakers. You can carry this forward with follow-up questions like “What is your favorite time of the year?” “What would you be doing today if anything were possible?”

4. Ask advice.
You don’t want to ask doctors medical advice or lawyers for legal advice .. or therapists for personal advice in social settings but it is good to ask for advice about things that you both might have in common like ”How did you decide what you wanted to do in your life?” or “What are your favorite travel spots?”

5. Have one or two topics that you know something about … current events, movies or television shows, the latest technology and, if it seems to interest your conversation partner, share a little of your thoughts and opinions.

Tip of the Week

At this holiday time, remember, lower expectations lead to a higher sense of peace.

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON ... ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS

KEEP CALM
and
CARRY ON

ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS



Here are 5 tips to help you KEEP CALM and CARRY ON so that you can ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.

It’s all in the attitude
The more that you think your way to remaining calm, the more likely it is that will happen. Much of stress is in the way that you think about it. Remember that there is a reason for the season. Keep that reason in the forefront of your mind. Enjoy your family, friends and rituals.

Planning makes a huge difference
Because this is such a stress filled time of year, it is not a time to “fly by the seat of your pants”. Rather, have a plan. Make lists. Decide what is manageable for each day and try to keep within that plan. You do not have to do it all. Life will go on if everything is not decorated perfectly or the “right” gift is not under the tree. Your enjoyment of life is far more important to you and your loved ones than a purchase or another light in the yard.

Delegation
Reduce holiday stress by remembering that everything does not have to be on your list. Ask for help. Give others duties. Have pot lucks rather than fixing all of the food yourself. Work with your neighbors to help each other out. Working together can be a whole more fun and far less stressful than handling it all alone.

Deep breath
Do you know some deep breathing or meditation techniques? If not, this might be the time to learn them. You can use a simple app on your phone, practice 3 slow deep breaths in and out 3 times a day and whenever you are in stress or give yourself an early gift and take a class in meditation. More and more research is showing the benefits of meditation and mindfulness for physical and mental health.

Eat, sleep, pray, love
Take care of yourself in all ways.

Tip of the Week

"When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff."
Pat Love

Financial Infidelity: What Can I Do?

Some folks who are even in the best of marriages find that their spouse has been hiding debt, purchases, bank and credit card accounts or money from them and are devastated by uncovering the information about financial infidelity.

A first reaction is rarely the best course of action. Rather, it is recommended that you take time to calm down and clearly think through the situation so that you can make a calm decision about how to handle the knowledge of financial infidelity.

Here are some suggestions for how to handle financial infidelity in your relationship.

1. Make a date to talk with each other about your finances, goals and plans. Be sure it is in a neutral setting. Can you go out for coffee? Sit on the deck? Choose a place that promotes calm and neutrality. Never talk when either of you are upset, defensive or angry even if you believe that your partner has been financially deceptive.

2. Frame your thoughts, questions and ideas in neutral and non-judgmental ways. For example, start your conversation with phrases like:
“I think we have different philosophies about money and I would like to see if we can come up with a plan that will fit for us both”.
or
“There are spenders and there are savers, in this relationship, we have one of each. Let’s see if we can find a way to balance each other out.”

3. To further ward off financial infidelity, be sure that each of you does have some discretionary money on a regular basis. Each of you will be more likely to follow through with a plan if you do have some money of your own that you can spend without consulting with or “reporting” to the other.

4. Talk out loud about money differences. Respect the fact that there is more than one way to make things work and there can be a “middle” ground.

5. Agree to be open and up front about all money and debt. Hiding only brings about more hiding, feelings of betrayal and anger about financial infidelity. Acknowledge that you may see this differently and agree to talk out loud about the differences rather than hiding them.

6. Be willing to change yourself and your spending and saving habits. No one is right about everything and you do have to give in order to get.

7. Keep a positive attitude as you two talk together. Find ways to emphasize ideas like “there is a solution here, we just have to keep working toward it” or “we are a team and together we can figure this out”.
Would you like more ideas for ways to handle financial infidelity? Check out our articles on Counseling Relationships Online.com.

Financial Infidelity

Is financial infidelity affecting your relationship? Are you, or your partner, keeping secrets about money with each other?

Financial infidelity, lying to your spouse about money (assets, debts, purchases, etc.), happens in about 30% of all marriages or relationships with combined income. Disagreements and fighting about finances (financial infidelity) are a leading cause of divorce.

According to a 2014 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education, one spouse admits to lying to his or her partner about money, in 1 out of 3 marriages. In that same survey, more than 75% noted that this financial infidelity and dishonesty has adversely affected their marriage.

Money and the control of money is crucial to many people. We all develop styles of handling finances (frugal, spendthrift, saver, etc.) from our childhoods and experiences that we have as we mature. When two halves of a couple have the same style, money is often not a problem. When styles are different, that can lead to stress and conflict or financial infidelity.

Financial Infidelity Self-Test
Answer these questions honestly about yourself and/or your partner.

1. Is it hard to talk about finances with each other?
2. Is one of you likely to become argumentative or defensive when the money is discussed?
3. Do you know each others' style or relationship with money and can you respect any differences as part of a healthy balance?
4. Do you know each others' salary and any other source of income?
5. Are any large purchases made without consulting the other?
6. Are any large purchases “hidden” from the other?
7. Are you financially naked with each other?
8. Do you know each others' passwords? Credit card information? Checking accounts?
9. Do there seem to be big gaps between income and debt?
10. Do you know how much total debt you have as a couple as well as any individual debt?

If you answer “yes” to many of these questions, you are not alone. Remember, 1 in 3 couples do have problems with money and experience financial infidelity. In future posts we will share suggestions with you.

Tip of the Week

A recent research study noted that one of the hallmarks of a successful couple is that they celebrate each other's success and are there for each other when things are going well. This seemed to be even more important than being supportive at times when things are hard.