Rebuilding the Friendship After an Affair

Because we specialize in relationships, we meet with a lot of couples. Many of those couples come to us because of infidelity.

The fallout and pain that come from an affair are many. Because of that, recovery from an affair is often more like a roller coaster with a lot of ups and downs than like an escalator with steady upward growth.

The hard work of recovery cannot be completed from a well of feelings full of anger and upset. Much of it must come from connection through love and a genuine desire to understand and repair damage to the relationship both during and before the affair.

We often encourage couples to find times to talk, question and share feelings about the betrayal on a regular basis but to limit that time to only a small percentage of their waking time together.

We help them to find ways to rebuild the friendship that brought them together so that the friendship can help them through the long talks about the affair and the relationship struggles.

Have dates. Take walks. Watch movies. Remember the good times in the past. Work together on household tasks. Plan weekends together. Spend time with friends … all ways to nurture the friendship as a foundation to guide the hard work through recovering from the affair.

Counseling Relationships Online
Couples Counseling of Louisville
Healing from Affairs

Tip of the Week

Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Then write a list of your spouse's positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the lists and reread them frequently. 

~ Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

Tip of the Week

For a marriage to have any chance, every day at least six things should go unsaid.
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Long Distance Relationships, Top 10 Survival Tips

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Does distance in a relationship make hearts grow fonder … or fonder of someone else?

Definitely there are more challenges to having a successful relationship when there is a separation but many couples have been able to do it successfully and others can as well.

Here are 10 tips for growing and maintaining a healthy relationship even when separated by many miles and long periods of time.

1. Discuss together the level of commitment to each other and to the relationship.

Have lengthy discussions about what you want from yourself and each other in this relationship while you are apart. Some couples believe that they are in the same place when really they are in different spots, they have just not talked out loud about their differences.
Assume nothing. Discuss everything.
Will you be monogamous when apart as well as together?
How will you deal with attractions to others?
How will you handle loneliness?
What about time alone with co-workers of the opposite sex?

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Counseling Relationships Online.com
Couples Counseling of Louisville.com

Tip of the Week

Write a pledge for your marriage.

In this statement, vow to do what you can to be a good spouse … specifically … and note good things about your relationship and your time with each other.

Your pledge might sound something like this.

“I, ________, promise to act in loving and respectful ways with you. I cherish you for your honesty and caring commitment to me and to our relationship. I promise to answer questions that you have openly and honestly and listen to you without judgment.”

Read your pledge to each other every night. Update them as you go through your life together.

The P, Q and Rs of Marriage

P = Being Positive can go a long way in the health of a marriage. Focus on what is good and working rather than what is wrong and needs to change.
Q = Quality Time is important. In healthy relationships, couples understand that they may not have a lot of time together, especially when they are building careers and family, so they make sure that they time that they do have is of high quality.
R = Resilience. Couples are able to repair damage to their relationship quickly rather than let angry and negative feelings fester for a longer time.
S = Couples in healthy relationships have Sensitivity to how what they say and do affects their partner. They choose their words and how they say them in ways that show respect and care, even when feeling hurt or angry.
T = Talk to each other always as if she or he was someone that they love.
U = Develop Understanding for their partner’s point of view, even if they do not agree with or like it.
V = Veracity with love. They strive to be honest with each other and yet do not believe that they must always “tell it like it is”. There are no secrets and always kindness.
W =Wondering, questioning and seeking ideas for new and interesting things to do as a couple.
X = Xerox. When couples find something that works, they are likely to try it again. Rather than “correcting” mistakes, they look to repeat what works.
Y = Yes. Couples in healthy relationships are more likely to say “yes” to their partner than they are to say “no” for any reasonable request.
Z = Zing. Successful couples know that looking for ways to add interest and excitement to their relationship keeps it vital and healthy.

IJK's of Marriage

I = Are Inquisitive about their partner’s day and life. This helps your partner to feel cared about. Learning about what happens in each other’s life helps to build a couple’s love map.
J = Bring Joy to the relationship. Joy breeds joy.
K = Kindness, even on rough days, can turn things around quickly and change negative interactions to positive ones.
L = Couples in healthy relationships laugh a lot. Humor together repairs much damage, especially during a disagreement.
M = Motivated, always, to be a good spouse. When one person is a good spouse, it affects the other’s willingness to reciprocate.
N = Nurture the relationship and your spouse. It is easy to let the relationship cruise on auto-pilot and yet that is what can take a relationships down a wrong path.
O = Couples in healthy relationships are Open to a different viewpoint, to a change in a routine or ritual, to your partner’s hopes and dreams.