Is it more important for you to protect your relationship than it is to win a fight?
Can you disagree without being disagreeable?
Are you able to keep the love showing while conflict is flowing?
If your answer is “yes” to all of these questions, then you may not need to read any further. If any of these presents a strain for you; however, there may be some useful tips here for you.
All couples disagree. According to researcher, Dr. John Gottman, it is usually about the same things over and over again. In fact, his research points out that about 2/3rds of all disagreements are usually about the same issues.
Some couples are masters at working through conflict and keeping a good relationship as their primary focus. They truly disagree without being disagreeable.
Couples who can find ways to repair any damage to the relationship while they are having a disagreement, or, as some might call it, a fight, have more than half of the battle won. It makes so much more sense to compromise with or acquiesce to someone that you like and with whom you have a good relationship.
For others, repairing damage during conlict requires learning new habits and skills.
In future posts, we will discuss 6 different ways for you to repair damage to your relationship while you are having an argument.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tip of the Week, June 21, 2011
One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in love again.
Judith Viorst
Judith Viorst
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Discover Ways to Stay Calm Even in Conflict
Every couple has differences. Some of those issues need to be discussed while others will work themselves out over time and may not involve any conflict.
While there may not need to be a reason to fight about the differences, there are certainly reasons to have discussions and figure out ways to handle problems when you disagree. Conflict is not inevitable.
With volatile couples, those who are quickly triggered and have trouble avoiding a fight or conflict, it is important to signal ways to recognize when either partner is getting flooded and take a time out so that he or she can calm down before having any kind of conversation about their disagreement. Areas of conflict are handled much more successfully this way.
With couples, or maybe just half of a couple, who are more likely to run away from conflict, it is also important to recognize that the urge to run also comes from feeling flooded. If you give yourself or your partner the time to calm down, then it is likely that you can find a way to talk about the problem with out erupting into conflict.
Learning how to identify when you are flooded and calm yourself down is a skill that can be learned. Learning this skill can make you a master at handling conflict.
Click here to read the rest of the article which includes steps for staying calm during conflict.
While there may not need to be a reason to fight about the differences, there are certainly reasons to have discussions and figure out ways to handle problems when you disagree. Conflict is not inevitable.
With volatile couples, those who are quickly triggered and have trouble avoiding a fight or conflict, it is important to signal ways to recognize when either partner is getting flooded and take a time out so that he or she can calm down before having any kind of conversation about their disagreement. Areas of conflict are handled much more successfully this way.
With couples, or maybe just half of a couple, who are more likely to run away from conflict, it is also important to recognize that the urge to run also comes from feeling flooded. If you give yourself or your partner the time to calm down, then it is likely that you can find a way to talk about the problem with out erupting into conflict.
Learning how to identify when you are flooded and calm yourself down is a skill that can be learned. Learning this skill can make you a master at handling conflict.
Click here to read the rest of the article which includes steps for staying calm during conflict.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Tip of the Week, June 5, 2011
TWO WOLVES
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Proving Your Point Can Be Hazardous for a Relationship
Some people are able to remain calm during a disagreement while others avoid conflict completely. Still others blow up quickly and seem to enjoy the fight. Letting go of the conflict and the need to “win” or prove your point is hard for many but crucial for the relationship.
Jill and Jim fought a lot. Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.
While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.
Jim and Jill liked their passion. It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.
Both halves of the couple agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting. They could agree on that when they were calm, that is. Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.
Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights. They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started. Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.
Many people, those who avoid conflict, will flee when fighting begins. Others find that they cannot let go of any argument and will fight until the end. (The fight or flight response to conflict is a common pattern for many couples.) The seduction of an argument is powerful.
A high level of disrespect and contempt can erode love and kindness in any relationship.
Problems arise, however, with high conflict in any relationship. Things that are said and done, even if there is no physical violence, can erode love and respect in any relationship. Contempt is one of the biggest killers of a marriage.
One of the skills that I first teach couples is the importance of taking a time out when flooded. (When their heart rate starts to rise.) Finding ways to soothe themselves or to help their partner calm down is the only way to protect the relationship and work toward finding solutions to any problem. While in the heat of a fight, it may be hard to let go, it is crucial for the long-term health of the marriage.
Jim and Jill had a really hard time pulling themselves away from conflict. When one of them “drew a sword” or pushed a button, it was hard not to defend themselves or accuse the other of causing problems. While they both agreed that, when they did take a break, they were able to think more clearly and rationally, they had to work extremely hard to take a break when the conflict started.
Over time, with lots of practice, they were able to change their behavior which led to a change in their thinking and in their feelings about themselves, each other and their relationship. It never became “easy” to resist the seduction of an argument but most of the time, they were able to put their relationship first and find ways to let go of their destructive pattern.
The main question that couples have to ask themselves at times like this is “Which is more important, winning … or the relationship?”
Jill and Jim fought a lot. Their friends referred to them as “The Bickersons” and kept their contact with them as a couple to a minimum, especially when it included drinking.
While their fights did not include throwing things or hitting each other … yet, there was still a lot of passion and volatility.
Jim and Jill liked their passion. It went quite well in their bedroom; however, it was pretty destructive to their feelings about themselves and each other and, now that they had 2 children, they were especially concerned about their style.
Both halves of the couple agreed that they could share equally in the escalation of the fighting. They could agree on that when they were calm, that is. Otherwise, things quickly deteriorated to blaming and accusing the other of being the aggressor.
Both also agreed that they knew each other’s “hot spots” and even confessed to using them to gain power in fights. They also acknowledged that they really had difficulty resisting the fight when it started. Both felt a need to prove their point or win the argument.
Many people, those who avoid conflict, will flee when fighting begins. Others find that they cannot let go of any argument and will fight until the end. (The fight or flight response to conflict is a common pattern for many couples.) The seduction of an argument is powerful.
A high level of disrespect and contempt can erode love and kindness in any relationship.
Problems arise, however, with high conflict in any relationship. Things that are said and done, even if there is no physical violence, can erode love and respect in any relationship. Contempt is one of the biggest killers of a marriage.
One of the skills that I first teach couples is the importance of taking a time out when flooded. (When their heart rate starts to rise.) Finding ways to soothe themselves or to help their partner calm down is the only way to protect the relationship and work toward finding solutions to any problem. While in the heat of a fight, it may be hard to let go, it is crucial for the long-term health of the marriage.
Jim and Jill had a really hard time pulling themselves away from conflict. When one of them “drew a sword” or pushed a button, it was hard not to defend themselves or accuse the other of causing problems. While they both agreed that, when they did take a break, they were able to think more clearly and rationally, they had to work extremely hard to take a break when the conflict started.
Over time, with lots of practice, they were able to change their behavior which led to a change in their thinking and in their feelings about themselves, each other and their relationship. It never became “easy” to resist the seduction of an argument but most of the time, they were able to put their relationship first and find ways to let go of their destructive pattern.
The main question that couples have to ask themselves at times like this is “Which is more important, winning … or the relationship?”
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tip of the Week, May 29, 2011
Begin a gratitude journal about your spouse and your marriage. Each day, write down 3 things that you like or appreciate. Focus on the positives. Pay attention to what you like and what is working.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
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