Tip of the Week, January 26, 2009

If you point a finger, you have three fingers pointing back at you.
Source Unknown

How Can I Build Trust In A Dating Relationship?

Question:
I have had bad luck with dating. The guys that I go out with either end up leaving me or have some problems like pot, alcohol or dating several at the same time but not letting me in on this. Trusting a new person is hard and yet I really want a new relationship. Can you give me some ideas about how to find someone that I can trust and when I can decide that it is okay to let down my guard.
Tara

Answer:
Congratulations to you, Tara, for recognizing that you want to go more slowly and be more careful before beginning a new romantic relationship. Dating is and should be about learning about yourself as much as it is about finding the right person for the rest of your life.

Think about these ideas when you are looking for a new romantic partner.

We tend to be drawn to the “familiar”, even if it is not necessarily healthy. Our radar seems to just “hone in” on partners who feel comfortable to us, even if the comfort level is not a good one. Hence, we may find ourselves drawn to “thrill-seekers” or engaging alcoholics or players because their behaviors remind us of other significant relationships with parents or former loves.

We have to find ways to get over one significant relationship before beginning a new one. Finding a new love is really not the best antidote to getting over an old one. Take time to mourn the loss and grieve the hopes and dreams for what might have been.

Take the time to do a “post mortem” about the relationship. Was this just about your “picker”? Or would you say that you did some things that you know that you want to do differently the next time around?

What about that picker? Have you chosen the same kind of person only with a little different look? Are you always with someone that you have to “fix” or take care of? Do you tend to choose men who are romantic and exciting but with no history of commitment?

What about your own half of the relationship? Are there things that you did with communication or with conflict that you know you need to do differently?

These are just some points to ponder. Please call or email us if you have comments or questions. We offer online counseling by phone and by email and would be glad to work with you in more detail about your specific situation.

Tip of the Week, January 19, 2009

Soul mates are not found, they are made.

Dating Advice: What Are Some Things I Should Look For In Choosing a Partner?

So, what are some of the things to count in and count out when looking for someone to date? Remember, in choosing someone with whom to partner, it is important not to look for someone who might want you; but rather, someone that you think can be a mature, healthy fit for you.


Maturity
Has your new interest been able to hold on to a job for a while, have healthy relationships with friends and family or be able to explain honestly some of his or her decisions about distance or disruption in a relationship? Is he or she able to be nurturing and supportive? Does he/she struggle with “old baggage”?

Values
While you may be of different political perspectives, can you respect the differences? Are they too large? Do you believe that your partner is honest and has integrity? What about spirituality? Is he/she a loyal person? Responsible? Trustworthy?

Money
Is your new interest able to handle money effectively? Is debt appropriate for his or her status? (Student loans are a lot different than a large credit card balance.) What do you notice about how he or she handles money when you are together?

Interests and Lifestyle
Do you have things in common? Like similar music interests? Activities? Hobbies? What about social activities, do you both enjoy generally the same level of activity with others? Does one of you really like to be out and about while the other is more of a “homebody”?

Education and Intelligence
Do you have similar educational backgrounds? Relationships work best when there is similarity although it certainly does not have to be equal. It is also best when intelligence is similar. It enhances conversation and interests.

Marriage
What does your interest think about marriage? What are his/her thoughts about roles for a husband and wife? What about children? If he/she could describe an ideal marriage, what would it be?

Appearance
While beauty is only skin deep, there are also some physical characteristics to consider. Certainly, physical attraction is one of the first things that you notice but, in the long run, some aspects may remain important. Is being “fit” important to you? Are neatness or stylish dressing important to you?

Tip of the Week, January 12, 2009

Studies have shown that people who actually write their goals have a better chance of achieving them.

For Singles: How Ready Are You For An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?

Consider these questions and answer them honestly about yourself to determine if you know how to be part of an emotionally intelligent and healthy relationship. Think about friends and especially about those you date as a way of determining if they are able to be part of a healthy relationship with you.

1. I am able to communicate my needs in a relationship with others.
2. I am able to listen well and resist giving unsolicited advice.
3. I am able to say “no” when I need to.
4. I can be clear about preferences for closeness or distance in friendships/relationships.
5. While I do not consider myself to be one who likes conflict, I am able to talk about disagreements and remain in the discussion.
6. I know how to calm and soothe myself in a stressful or conflictual situation.
7. I know what “healthy boundaries” are and I am able to respect my own and those of others.
8. I am able to be nurturing and allow nurturing in a relationship.
9. I am able to reach out and repair a friendship/relationship with words and actions when it is needed.
10. I have identified characteristics in a partner that are important and I am able to end relationships (get out of ones that are not healthy) when I need to do that.
11. When there are differences in the kind of partner who attracts me and the kind of partner who fits with my values and life, I am able to make the distinction and make choices that are healthy for me.
12. I have made decisions about what part I want sex to play in a relationship and can communicate those clearly and stand by them with my partner.
13. I have a good sense of humor.
14. I know how to say “I am sorry”.

If you can answer “yes” to 12 out of 14, congratulate yourself on your emotional intelligence and seek dating partners and friends who reflect these characteristics as well.

Tip of the Week, January 5, 2009

The higher the expectations, the lower the peace.
Alcoholics Anonymous