How Can I Build Trust In A Dating Relationship?

Question:
I have had bad luck with dating. The guys that I go out with either end up leaving me or have some problems like pot, alcohol or dating several at the same time but not letting me in on this. Trusting a new person is hard and yet I really want a new relationship. Can you give me some ideas about how to find someone that I can trust and when I can decide that it is okay to let down my guard.
Tara

Answer:
Congratulations to you, Tara, for recognizing that you want to go more slowly and be more careful before beginning a new romantic relationship. Dating is and should be about learning about yourself as much as it is about finding the right person for the rest of your life.

Think about these ideas when you are looking for a new romantic partner.

We tend to be drawn to the “familiar”, even if it is not necessarily healthy. Our radar seems to just “hone in” on partners who feel comfortable to us, even if the comfort level is not a good one. Hence, we may find ourselves drawn to “thrill-seekers” or engaging alcoholics or players because their behaviors remind us of other significant relationships with parents or former loves.

We have to find ways to get over one significant relationship before beginning a new one. Finding a new love is really not the best antidote to getting over an old one. Take time to mourn the loss and grieve the hopes and dreams for what might have been.

Take the time to do a “post mortem” about the relationship. Was this just about your “picker”? Or would you say that you did some things that you know that you want to do differently the next time around?

What about that picker? Have you chosen the same kind of person only with a little different look? Are you always with someone that you have to “fix” or take care of? Do you tend to choose men who are romantic and exciting but with no history of commitment?

What about your own half of the relationship? Are there things that you did with communication or with conflict that you know you need to do differently?

These are just some points to ponder. Please call or email us if you have comments or questions. We offer online counseling by phone and by email and would be glad to work with you in more detail about your specific situation.