Roles in Relationships

Pam’s mother was an attorney and a very strong woman. Her dad traveled with his job in sales. They were very business-like in their decision-making and handled most things jointly.

There was a lot of humor in Pam’s family but not a lot of warmth. Caring and concern were usually shown through purchases and experiences. Pam was very clear that her parents loved her and each other but it was shown more through gifts, money and travel rather than affection.

Jim’s family was somewhat different. He grew up in a family that was very loving and openly affectionate. His mother worked part-time as a nurse and still managed to do all of the cooking, laundry and child care. His dad helped out a bit with chores inside and handled everything outside. Jim’s dad handled the family finances and made most of the decisions about money. They had a lot of family time together and his parents really protected their time alone.

When Jim and Pam married, they had different ideas for how a marriage should be lived and what the roles “should“ be in relationships. Neither one was wrong. They were just different. They brought to the marriage what many do, their own ideas and expectations for their roles and that of their spouse in the relationship.

We all come to relationships with ideas of how we and our partner “should“ behave. Sometimes our ideas and expectations for roles in relationships are similar. Sometimes they are different. Problems can arise when partners have different ideas for each of their roles in relationships.

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