Forgiveness: What It Is and What It Isn’t

Sandy was sexually abused by her uncle between the ages of 5 and 7.

Tom’s wife, Helen, had an affair with his best friend.

Andy was repeatedly bullied and beaten by an older brother until he became big enough and strong enough to stand up for himself.

Each one of these people has a clear reason to be hurt and angry for the treatment that they received by someone with the power to affect them very intensely. They are all on a journey to discover ways to forgive their perpetrator, in their own heart and in their own heads, even if their offender never finds out.

Could you do that? Is it even a good idea to invite the thought of forgiveness for Sandy, Tom and Andy?

True forgiveness brings about an inner peace in your heart and in your mind. It allows you to be different than the events in your life. You no longer define yourself by your injuries.

Let’s talk for a minute about the idea of forgiveness, what it is … and what it isn’t.

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Forgiveness isn’t:

Forgetting. The offense happened and affected your life. Shake hands with that experience but develop a richer and fuller story about yourself, about who you are and what your life is about.

Condoning. There was nothing okay about what happened and forgiveness does not mean that you find a reason to explain, excuse or even to accept part of the blame.

Letting the offender off the hook. You can choose what relationship, if any, you want to have with the perpetrator. You can choose to involve family or legal authorities if needed. You can take control of what, if any, consequences there should be because of the offense, and then let go.

Reconciling. Some offenses require cutting off and do not allow for any reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile.

Allowing it to happen again. With forgiveness, also comes a need to learn self-protection and self-care. It is important to keep from harm’s way and any chance of being hurt or abused again.

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Forgiveness is:

Letting go of the desire for revenge, not investing any energy in fantasizing or planning ways to get back at the offender. It is reinvesting that energy in taking care of yourself in protective and healthy ways.

It starts with a decision to forgive and does not “just happen“ over time.

Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It is a walk, not the destination. Forgiveness is a journey.

Forgiveness involves protecting yourself and not letting the offense continue. It may mean a cut-off from the perpetrator or finding very different ways to be around him or her.

It is more about you than the person you are forgiving. Most likely, you will never tell the offender of your forgiveness, rather you will engage in life with a freer heart and mind.

True forgiveness brings about an inner peace in your heart and in your mind. It allows you to be different than the events in your life. You no longer define yourself by your injuries.

Consider forgiveness with some of those who injured you. Would you be healthier if you could let go of the impact of those injuries on you today?

Would you like to explore this more fully? We would be glad to talk more with you about this. Contact us through our online counseling site, CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com.

Tip of the Week, April 25, 2010

Take into account that great love and great achievement require great risk.
The Dali Lama

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Online Counseling, Can This Work?

Does online counseling work?
Can it help me with my problems?
How does it work?
Do you talk on the phone or text or email?
How can things be confidential and private?

Online counseling of one form or another (email, chat and phone) has been around for over 10 years now. It began with therapists connecting with clients through technology instead of, or in addition to, regular face-to-face sessions. As the use of the computer and the ease of telephones and instant messaging has increased, so has the interest in receiving help with personal problems over the internet.

More and more people are using the internet to search out answers to questions. Some questions are not ones that articles, books or message boards can answer effectively. Some need the individual help and support that only a trained professional can offer.

Online counseling has been shown to be effective with a large number of problems. While not many studies have been done in this area, reports and testimonials from some consumers indicate that online counseling can be as helpful as in-person therapy for many problems.

One study did show that it was as effective in treating depression as in-person therapy when clients received regular sessions, completed homework and workbook assignments and took part in online forums. Research continues on this delivery system for counseling and we will update this guide as we receive more information.

In-person, live therapy, is still the preferred choice for most therapists and clients; however, in today’s world, sometimes online counseling is the only choice.

Before deciding if online counseling might fit for you, you should ask yourself a few questions. A couple of them are:

Do I want a relationship with a therapist?
A relationship with an online therapist, even if it is with the phone and with a video camera, does not have the same personal qualities as sitting in a room together. You will not feel the same care, concern and warmth over email or on the phone as you would in person. While you can get a good “feel” for your therapist, especially if it is over the phone, most likely there will not be the same connection as sitting in a room together.

How can I decide if this person is qualified to help me?
Some people find a good therapist by checking with friends or their doctor. You cannot do that so easily over the telephone. Be sure to check his or her credentials and affiliation with organizations. For instance, if you are looking for someone who can help you with a relationship, you might want to see if that person is licensed as marriage and family therapist and a member of The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Read some of the articles or book reviews that this therapist has written on his or her website and ask for an opportunity to talk briefly to see if there might be a “fit”.

CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com

Tip of the Week, June 28, 2009

When in doubt, just take the next small step.

Tip of the Week, June 21, 2009

Photo by Walt Ratterman

I talk and talk and talk, and I haven't taught people in 50 years what my
father taught by example in one week. -- Mario Cuomo

Conflict and Couples: Standing Up For Yourself

Remaining calm and hearing out your partner are not the only things that are important in relationships. It is also important to find ways to stand up for yourself. Giving in truly is not always the best response, even if it seems to keep the peace.

There are lots of drawbacks to giving in a lot. The biggest one, of course, is that resentment tends to build as you discover that very little is going your way.

Tim grew up in a family that was loud and angry. He often retreated to his room or to the garage just to get away from the yelling in his family. He vowed never to have a relationship like that so he avoided any kind of conflict with Terry. While Terry found that she often got her way, she also felt frustrated that Tim did not share his thoughts with her and she also noticed that he might go along with what she wanted but often did not seem very happy about it, sometimes even angry.

Tim needed to learn how to stand up for himself in calm, respectful, direct and firm ways. Here are some of the things he said has helped him.

* Tim learned to figure out in his own mind what his needs, thoughts or beliefs were. He learned to understand what it was that was important to him and the reasons for this.
* He began to hear and understand, even if he did not agree with or accept, Terry’s position.
* Tim considered her opinion and determined if there was anything that she wanted or needed that he could agree with and accept.
* He let Terry know that he heard her and respected her as a person but did not agree with her. He told her that his ideas or desires were different than hers and directly and calmly explained them.
* There were a few times that Terry tried to dismiss Tim, especially at first when she was not used to him disagreeing so directly with her. At those times, he again stood up for himself by telling her that he felt dismissed and needed for her to listen to him. There were several times that he had to do that, and eventually Terry learned that she could not always have her way about things.
* There were even a few times that Terry continued to be loud and disrespectful and Tim told her that he was not willing to continue the conversation at that point. He promised to come back to talk with her when they were both calmer and in a better place to listen to each other.

Tim got very good at sorting through the things that were important and that he needed to stand up for and what things were less important and he could lovingly let go and allow Terry’s needs to prevail.

Contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com if you would like some coaching on how you can stand up for yourself.

Feel free to leave questions or comments here and maybe we can have some discussion about what has worked for you as you have learned to stand up for yourself.