Before Asking for a Divorce, Ask Yourself This Question 4. Have I rewritten the story of our marriage?

Am I consciously refusing to acknowledge the good in the relationship because of anger or unresolved concerns? Have I found someone “better” who makes me look at the duration of my marriage in negative ways that are unrealistic?

When you give up wanting to stay in the marriage, you often give up on the positives in the marriage. Thoughts and memories tend to just drift toward the negative and you forget all of the good reasons for getting into the relationship and staying there for as long as you have.

Tip of the Week

The higher the expectations, the lower the peace.
Alcoholics Anonymous

Tip of the Week

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.
Frank Pittman

Question # 3

3. Is my brain thinking normally? Or is my brain clouded by interest in another person, a mid-life crisis or the single life?

We know that there is actually a change in brain chemistry for folks who have an affair. This change in brain chemistry brings about amazing feelings of euphoria or the belief in finally having found a soul-mate. As with all new relationships, this change does not last. Eventually calmness and normalcy return. It is only during a time of calm and normal brain processing that someone should even consider a divorce.

The same can hold true for a mid-life crisis. At certain stages in one’s adult life, there is often a period of wondering “what if? … “ and mentally or actually playing around with the idea of exploring a single life and new relationships. If this might be the case with you, a change in your marital status may not be the solution to the underlying angst. There are many different ways to explore change. Ending your marriage is a pretty drastic move.

Tip of the Week, January 8, 2012

Take a vacation from worry. Determine a certain length of time …. A few hours, a day, a week and decide not to let worry hang around and interfere with your enjoyment of life.

If worry creeps in to your mind, try to put it away. If it won’t go willingly, write the worry on a piece of paper and tuck it somewhere that you can later find. Then get busy and do something else.

Before Asking for a Divorce

Ask yourself these questions.

Question #2.

Have I examined the normal stages of marriage in reference to where I am or we are right now?

Do I know about the typical course of a marriage and where my spouse and I fit into that?

Are we having problems that are “typical” for couples at our stage of life and marriage?

Do I know what others have done to find their way through?

There is some truth to that old adage about a “7 year itch” and the “empty nest syndrome“ to name just two. Understanding and recognizing that phenomena can make a real difference in how you view your marriage.

Tip of the Week, January 1, 2012

This is the time for resolutions.

As you think about ways to improve your relationships, consider some of these possibilities.

Couples:
Resolve to spend 20 minutes a day … every day … with each other just talking about your life and your day.

Parents:
Resolve to visit your children’s rooms, go into their space, for 10 minutes every day and ask about their music, their friends, subjects of interest to them as people, not to you as a parent.

Those going through divorce or death of a spouse:
Resolve to build your friendship network with people of the same sex rather than rushing to find a new partner.

Everyone:
Practice random acts of kindness.