Tip of the Week, May 31, 2009

Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together. Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time. Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time. As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

Conflict and Relationships: Predictors of Success

TV or no TV in bed?
Photo by Todd Turner

What makes some people “masters” with conflict?
How do they listen attentively and keep from being pulled in to fighting during the disagreement?
How are they able to handle the stress of an argument or disagreement calmly and rationally?
What can I do to develop those skills?

We will be writing about these today and in future blogs. Today we want to address the question of the characteristics that make people masters of conflict.

Some people are “masters” if the conflict does not affect them personally. Many lawyers are excellent in court but put them with someone that they are in a relationship with and they display the “fight or flight” response. So it is not just about being able to think quickly, it is also about being able to listen carefully and thoughtfully and respect the thoughts and rights of another (even if they ARE 10 years old.) while also standing up for yourself.

People who handle conflict are able to do the following:

* Keep themselves calm, or knows how to soothe him/herself, while listening to the other person’s point of view.

* Believe that the other person in the discussion has a right to her or his viewpoint and that, for them it feels “right” or correct.

* Is able to listen and verbally as well as nonverbally, let the other person know that they have heard them and understand their thoughts and feelings.

* Recognizes that, while they may hear and understand another’s side to an argument, they do not have to agree or even like what they have to say.

* Recognize that others have rights and that their rights are just as important an any other person.

* Is able to stand up for him/herself and present their point clearly and directly.

* Is able to continue to share their own point of view even if they feel “bullied”.

Easier said than done? Check back with us and we will offer you some ideas for how you can put this into practice for yourself.

Tip of the Week, May 25, 2009

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.  ~Vicki Baum

Tip of the Week, May 17, 2009

Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?

10 Ways To Hurt A Woman’s Feelings, Or, What NOT To Do If You Want A Woman To Like You

1. Give her “constructive criticism” about her appearance. Even if you have a degree in fashion design or are a personal trainer, your ideas may not be welcomed.

2. Lie to her. This can include direct lies and omissions, the idea that “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her”.

3. Tell her that you think she might be emotional or “irrational” and suggest that she may be “hormonal”.

4. Be critical about her family or close friends or just let her know that you do not want to spend your time with them.

5. Ignore her when she is trying to talk with you. Continue with television, reading the paper, the computer or playing your game.

6. “Forget” important dates like her birthday, anniversary or even special memories of your time together. The way that you choose to mark it is less important than the fact that you remember and acknowledge in loving ways.

7. Interrupt her when she is talking, point out that she is talking too much or “correct” her.

8. Flirt with other women, especially right in front of her.

9. Spend more time with your friends than with her. Let her know, even if you do not say it directly, that your sports/buddies/work/time alone are more important ways to spend your time than with her. Check your calendar to make sure that you do not have “more important” things going on.

10. Roll your eyes, smirk; turn away or directly let her know that you do not value her ideas or comments.

Tip of the Week, May 10, 2009

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

Seven Ways To Let A Man Know That You Think He Is Important

1. Notice what he is doing that you like and find a way to let him know 2 things that you really like and appreciate about him every day.

2. Listen attentively to what he has to say and ask follow-up questions in a way that lets him know that you are interested in whatever it is that he wants or needs to talk about.

3. Brag about him to others, in his presence.

4. Be affectionate with him. This includes non-sexual touch as well as initiating sex. Hold his hand, give him a kiss, share a warm hug.

5. Ask for his opinion on things and respect what he says, even if you do not agree with it or decide not to use it. Men want to feel needed, not in an artificial way, but in a real way so look for things where you really could use his help and ask for it.

6. Make sure to begin the day and end the day with a special sign of affection for him. Take leadership in making it happen.

7. Do special things for him: fix his favorite meal and let him know that you are doing it because you care about him, buy his favorite drinks or snacks, rent a movie that you know he will like, buy him a little gift that shows that you have thought about him and what he likes.

Tip of the Week, May 3, 2009

Your children get only one childhood.